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MIL has p*ssed me off - but i can't decide if i'm being a cow

8 replies

Moomin · 02/04/2006 10:31

sorry this is so long.

We're getting our dds christened on easter sunday and really looking forward to it. we're having immediate family (parents, dh's brother and his 2 kids and my auntie & cousin) plus godparents (5 of them), all their kids and some more of our mates. we've also invited dd1's childminder and her old one too. so far. so boring...

MIL and PIL are perfectly pleasant and lovely, although MIL is a big fusspot and I'm not really a fussy type of person so she gets on my wick a bit from time to time but her heart is definitely in the right place. MIL and PIL have some friends, a couple, who live quite a way away but each time we've met them we've got on really well, they're a lovely couple. At the end of last year the chap from this couple was diagnosed with bowel cancer and he's had a real struggle coping with the treatment and he was in hospital from christmas until about 4 weeks ago. He's gradually getting better from the op and chemo etc but obviously has been under lots of strain, as has his wife. Dh and I thought that we'd love to invite them to the christening if he was well enough and MIL said that since they mentioned it to him, he's rallied and is really determined to come down. It'll be the first time they've been anywhere since christmas and they're both looking forward to it.

however, MIL has a best best friend who she's known all her life. Best friend is fine but bf's husband is UNBEARABLE - a real bore, very loud, very arrogant, dominates every conversation and dh and i can't bear him. PIL came round yesterday and said that MIL has been fussing about how to tell her bf she's not invited to the christening in the light of this other couple having been invited. PIL asked if we would be so kind as to invite MIL's bf and husband to stop MIL mithering so we said yes, reluctantly. PIL knows we can't stand this bloke but he said he appreciated the gesture. WE then saw MIL last night and she thanked us but kept going on that it wouldn't have been fair to invite the other couple but not her bf as bf's feeling would have been hurt. I was a bit drunk last night and actually said 'well at the end of the day, it's our children being christened and we've invited people who are important to us and the dds and your bf would just have had to understand'. MIL looked a bit confused and upset so i said 'but it's ok, your bf and husband can come of course'.
I know i've been very ungracious about it. I've got to get on with things now though because i'm feeling cross about having this awful bloke at the party.

OP posts:
Elf1981 · 02/04/2006 10:41

You're not being a cow.
You invited the first couple because your thought it would cheer both of them up and give them a day away from home. Sometimes that can do a lot to raise somebodies spirit, which is always a good thing when somebody is ill.
Aside from that, it's just immediate family, not every Tom Dick and Harry.
Your MIL should have just appreciated the fact you had agreed to the second couple going and said thanks and kept quiet.
I have the same with my in-laws where we invite people to things out of duty (including our wedding) but instead of just saying thanks, we get the hour long lecture about how we couldn't have invited x without y.
If she mentions it again, just say sorry and blame it on the drink.

Carmenere · 02/04/2006 10:43

Well I think that it is nice that you have done your PIL a favour but just leave it at that. You don't have to be overjoyed at this man being there but tbh there hasn't been a family celebration in the history of the world that everyone was happy with the guest list. AND everyone knows that you are not responsible for the demeanour of your guests. Enjoy the day, don't worry about the rest of it Smile

Freckle · 02/04/2006 10:45

Well, I don't think you're being a cow. Why should you invite someone to a very personal celebration when you presumably don't know them that well and you can't stand them?

As things stand, you have invited them and MIL should appreciate that you did so to spare her feelings.

Family gatherings can be a real nightmare taking into account everyone's feelings, etc. You seem to have done everything you can to ensure no one is left out or left having to deal with upset friends, but that doesn't mean to say you have to act as though these people would automatically have been on your "must come" list.

Go alcohol, I say!

Sparklemagic · 02/04/2006 10:50

moomin, I would have felt the same in your position. I think this is why I just don't DO gatherings anymore!! I can't stand having people at important things who you genuinely don't feel comfortable with and I loathe the 'if you invite x you must invite y' syndrome.

I'm a grumpy bat as you can see.

I think you have done the decent thing so well done. More than I would have done! At our wedding we just gave MIL the hairy eyeball when she started to go down this road and said "Oh, well we won't get married then. It doesn't matter that much to us".

God, I'm horrible...Wink

Moomin · 02/04/2006 10:51

oooh i know! sometimes i hanker after the lifestyle i had married to my ex - he was an orphan!

I'm not that big on family and obligations at the best of times, and i hate all this 'you have to invite x or y will be upset'. I've not invited my other cousin because she'll want her daughter to come (who is a mare) and daughter's husband (who is an ignorant b*stard), although i get on well with my cousin!

Trouble is though i have problems really letting this sort of thing go - i want MIL to know EXACTLY why it's inappropiate to push her friends onto us. she even said last night 'well, i'll make sure i keep him entertained' and i felt like saying 'oh brilliant, so you'll do that meaning that you can't spend time with my dad or our friends or the kids, will you?'

OP posts:
Moomin · 02/04/2006 10:52

LOL! was x posts - was saying 'oo i know' to the alcohol comment by freckle, not to you being horrible, sparkle!!!

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Sparklemagic · 02/04/2006 10:59
Grin
Moomin · 05/04/2006 21:55

ever wish you hadn't started something....?
Now BIL (dh's brother) is making faces, asking why SIL (his wife) hasn't had an invite for the christening, as dh asked his brother and 2 kids to come tonight (BIL didn't even realise we were having them christened until tonight, despite numerous mentions - he's not on the planet half the time).

errrrr, could it be because SIL hates my guts? hasn't spoken to me for over 2 years now, didn't ask after me once when i was in hospital with potentially life-threatening condition having dd2, and hasn't even acknowledged that dd2 has been born (6m ago)?????!!!!! BIL thinks we should try to build bridges by inviting her. I GIVE UP!!!!

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