Feeing Depressed is the wrong topic, I'm not depressed, I don't feel depressed, I'm usually fine, buoyant and sorted. I'm just such a mess tonight. Won't bother changing my name.
ds is 10 months old. He's never slept through, not that I'm aiming for it, he wakes between 2 and 6 times a night and cries immediately, and I feed (bf) him, and I don't mind, I work and I don't want to give up the feeding, the closeness, something that is exclusively mine and not dh's. And we had a real struggle stablishing bf, and I love it. He is such a light sleeper and wakes at the slightest thing. There is no way to keep him away from noise as we live in a one-bed flat, bedroom right next to living room. We don't get him off to bed/sleep until between 9.30 and 10. Again, usually I can live with this (it seems to be just the way he is, he needs relatively little sleep, he's perfectly fit and healthy, developing like a dream). He was asleep, I went to bed, he woke, I fed him, laid him in his cot (next to our bed), I was just drifting off and dh, who has an obsession with airing the rooms, banged the balcony door shut, waking ds. We had a row, I cried buckets, am now feeding ds back to sleep, he does this awful thing where he arches his back and cries and he's been doing it again tonight and it's just so upsetting. I'm so scared the neighbous will have heard ds crying, me crying and saying 'stop it, ds, please' and think I'm hurting him :( I already find it very difficult at nights as I'm always haunted by an irrational fear that someone has told lies about me/us and ds will be taken away, or we will be arrested. In the daytime I don't have this as I'm too busy, but at night it always haunts me and means, however tired I am, I sometimes have to really pluck up my courage to go to bed.
I work ft and dh is a sahd and is supposed to be doing his doctorate. Because I'm a lecturer and we live very close to uni I can do a lot of my work at home and am very flexible in the timing of it. My contact runs out in a year (it won't be renewed, my boss had to fight tooth and nail to et me a year's extension, it's an admin decision) and after that I don't know what we'll do. I'm just trying to be both, a SAHM to ds (after all, I am around most of the time) and a WOHM, and be as good as I can, becuase I need to be good so I can get another job. last semester I would rush to classes then rush home to bf ds. dh is supposed to be applying for funding - if he got some I could probably go part-time for a while, assuming my next job is on a similar level -, but needs permanent kicks up the ar*e. I give him plenty of time for his work, but a lot of it he tbh fritters away - and it's NOT always my job to sort out his work time, he should be coming to me and saying 'II need this and this time then and then'. We are thinking of ttc again soon and I'm saving like mad to support a period in which I could stay at home, but again all of the initiative to comes from me. Because of the way his studies are and the job situation over here is he couldn't earn nearly as much as me atm and also the doctorate fits in best with what he's done so far (it's in a very specialised area he got passionate about and did loads on during his degree). He is really great in so many ways, wonderful with ds, great with housework etc, supportive, adores me, but there are some things he's just so ostrich-like on and he has a habit, which I find really hard to handle, of interpreting me wrongly, or over-interpreting, if I ever criticise him or something even a bit, which I almost see as an attempt to head the criticism off - for example, if I say he really needs to be getting down to his work, we've only a year before my job runs out etc he'll immediately say 'oh, I'll get a job' - meaning any old job, both in the way he means it and in practice due to the job market here, and he knows I don't want or even mean that - it's almost like he says these things so he doesn't have to engage with my point. I'm often unfair to him too, I know it. But I really do feel like I'm holding it all together, mapping out our future, and he just doesn't take this or indeed me seriously (he knows how scared I am that the doorbell will ring in the night, and yet he finds it funny - suggested that as an April fool's joke he'd go downstairs at night and ring the bell 
). FWIW, I love him very much, and I could and would not contemplate leaving him. But how to get through to someone who can do such a good impression of a brick wall. I'm not like that; I'm very communicative and (over-?) engage with everything he or others say. Bu he never, ever, or very seldom, lets me know how he receives anything I tell him that I feel is not right between us.
And I do my best to support friends and other people and know I can't do enough, and there are a couple of MNers I've promised to do things for and I just haven't got round to it (if you're reading this - so sorry!). I wish I could be there more for other people, be wiser than I am, be of more use to them.
I am happy, I'm certain I don't have PND or similar, know how very very lucky I am and it's almost like I feel it's not my right, it's been too much luck, it's all going to go wrong. That's where the fear of being unjustly accused comes from, I think. I never seem to stop trying to hold it together, be good and better, be all things to all people. I've dealt with OCD and keep a firm lid on it usually, but occasionally it starts (as it were) crawling out of the bin. I always have a lot of energy and can usually deal with these things, but there are times I just can't, and I fail, and I don't have to, tonight I just let go far too easily.
This is hideously long, thanks for staying with it if you have :)