oh dear what have i done?

[dannylastrasse]

posted a letter today to my mum who wouldnt come for xmas dinner, didnt send the children a card or us, and she gets depressed in the winter and i know i should have more patience - but i have run out. so i sent her this letter that tells her off for being selfish - and now i feel a proper fishcake. the last time i saw her she accused "everyone" of always wanting things from her - well i narrowed it down to everyone she sees and "everyone" means me. i told her that too. i found it offensive. my mum lives a some distance away in scotland and if she thinks i would travel ( which would cost me £40)just to get a fiver out of my sons birthday card i dont know what planet she is on and i dont know what i have done to deserve being treated like this, which has basically been for all of my adult life. i understand depression i am a self confessed depressive and i dont always have a reason and to other people my reasons sound stupid. but ma has been like this for a long time. she will not seek outside treatment and not getting a card at xmas was the last straw. now she will not speak to me ever again

Read your message and really feel for you. I have an depressive alcoholic mother who also goes off the rails at xmas and new year, birthdays - any old time really. Anyway with 2 children I have had to stop it ruining my xmas aswell. Hope the following helps:

1. Detatchment - try not to get involved in the 'I'm going to make you feel guilty' routine and tricking you into thinking that if only you and the children were here to prop her up emotionally at xmas you can stop her from falling into depression. Wrong only your mum can stop herself.
2. Try to stop "reacting' when I have the same horrendous phone calls it is usually because I've allowed myself to react to what my mother is saying, know which buttons she presses that gets those responses from both of you and stop the phone call before it gets worse. It's like 'pass the emotional parcel' then I feel down, get snippy with my dh and my d's - don't let your mother win. Try instead of responding to just listen to her ramble then say you have to go to the children now, and run a hot bath, glass of baileys (the patron saint of knackered mothers!!) and wind down.
3. Your mum will speak to you again - she is bluffing, she is testing you, probably because she doesn't know any other way of getting help. Explain you are not the one to help her and try and talk to her again when she is out of her depressive episode. 4.Your life is for you and your children now. The way I've coped is not to allow myself to get tangled up in my mothers feelings and behaviour. I went on a 'transcendental meditation course' which helped me to distance myself and rise above it when the' !!!! hit the fan' also went on a 'nvc' course to help my communication skills with my children so I wasn't doomed after 32 years of conditioning to repeat my mothers behaviour (nvc stands for non-violent communication or compassionate communication. see "www.cnvc.org". Good luck

DLR - I feel for and was only going to say that I am thinking of you - as I have a MIL who is an alcoholic / depressive. She soooo knows how to "push DH's buttons" and it sends aftershocks though our family for days.

However - I have now read shrub's response - which to me seems like ultimate pearls of wisdom - so much so - I have printed it off!!
Great advice shrub - thanks from me !! and thinking of you DLR xxx

just seen your response crystaltips and glad it helped - its so good to know we're not alone - there are many others out there going through similar feats of endurance; a bit like swimming through treacle!!

just seen your response crystaltips and glad it helped - its so good to know we're not alone - there are many others out there going through similar feats of endurance; a bit like swimming through treacle!!

DLR, feel for you - my mum is also a depressive (with obsessive compulsive disorder thrown in for good measure) but it can be so bloody hard to stay compassionate and sympathetic sometimes. She also refuses help ('no-one can help me, no-one's got what I've got' etc etc) and so the entire weight of caring for her/supporting her falls on me and my dad, basically, and sometimes it's just too much.

I've screamed and shouted, refused to see her and so on, just out of pure frustration and helplessness sometimes - don't feel bad about what you have done. Sometimes you do just have to distance yourself, for the sake of your own sanity. Shrub has excellent advice which I can't really add anything more helpful to - but just to let you know you are not alone.

Dannylastrasse,
Sorry to hear of your difficulties with your mother, but i am glad to know i am not the only one with a dysfunctional family.
I always feel that i am the only one dealing with these sought
I had a christmas family breakdown too. Not with a mother though ( idont have one of those) but with my brother ( the only real family i have left) he came over from australia to visit me. i felt i made after every attempt to make it a special holiday for him , taking him on a weekend break to germany ,( and plannign a trad christmas in a cottage in the welsh countryside- ) he informed me that he has an anxiety disorder and left after one week into his 3 week holiday. The worst thing about it is that he wasnt even planning to tell me he was going home ...he just took off saying he was going to visit a friend in Brimingham..i got suspicious and caught up with him at the bus stop and when i asked if he was commign back he said no. I was devestated and still am. After having made so many attempts over the years to show my brother i care about him , i feel i have constantly been rejected. He has done simialr things in the past but not on this scale. i feel i cant make anymore attempts so i have to accept that i have no family that actually cares for me and DS and that apart from DH i am alone in the world.

CORI- for my own reasons i feel much like you at the moment- I know I should to be 'grateful' that I have 3 lovely boys and a 15yr old marriage (i'd like to say "and a man who loves me" - but cannot type that without questioning it. )
But I,like you, feel alone -in that 'all' I have is my husband and sons - and what family I have, are doing their best to exclude me from their lives- SHRUBS advice is pretty much what my Psychologist steers me on every week- so I can recommend that 100%.... but it is hard when you have children to 'function' as if nothing is wrong. At the moment i feel like withdrawing into my shell - with my boys and not coming out till all my family have gone as far away as they can- at least then i can 'blame' the distance on their behaviours.....at the moment it is hard to understand when they live 5 minutes car journey away. I must stress this is my 'inlaws' i am referrring to - however to my children there is no difference between any side of the family- and if it were just me being 'shut out' I would think less of this- but because my son's do to- i feel angry.

Mrsforgetful, i feel i should be grateful for my blessings too. Have a lovely son , a supportive loving husband , finacial security. but there is always a longing what i cant have. I admit i am a born worrier.
My son is not old enough to understand that he doesnt have any extended family. I worry about how he will feel when he is old enough understand. I hope my love and his fathers will be enough.
I grew up with the usual extended family around me , but having them didnt help me in any way really. they certainly never provided me with any emotional support. When my Mother died they made my life more difficult than it needed to be.

I dont know how to shake this feeling though.
this feeling of being alone. i know i need to make new friends but meeting other mothers at toddler groups etc just reinforces my feelings especially when they all seem to supportive families members on their door steps.