Living abroad - am i being selfish

[Latz]

Hi folks,

Not been around for ages hope everyone is OK.

Dh and myself are thinking of moving to Australia. Initially for a year but with the option to stay if we like it.

We are doing it mainly for the lifestyle (have both been there several times) and better (hopefully) opportunities for our dd.

Feel guilty about leaving my mum - although live 500 miles away and only see her once or twice a year anyway. She will have my brother and her sister and friends close by and we will pay for her flights over every year.

Just feeling kind of unsure.

Is there anyone out there who has done something similar or who would like to comment?

Ta

Hi Latz,

I moved to Canada 4 years ago with dh and I think the guilt at leaving my mum was the worst thing. The only time in my entire life I have seen her cry was when I said goodbye at the airport and it brings tears to my eyes even thinking of it now. I know without a doubt I have done the right thing (did it for same reasons as you)as does she. I used to see her about once every couple of weeks, but I'd say we are closer now as we talk on the phone at least once a week and have managed to see her every year. She was straight on the plane when dd was born last year and I phoned up crying saying I needed her.
I did feel homesick and guilty off and on for a couple of years but now I'm fine and my mum not only enjoys holidays in Canada she never would have had, but can see how well we are doing and is proud and happy for me. I know Australia is further but when you arrange visits, just make them long.

Sounds like a fantastic opprtunity so go for it!

Thanks Bobblehead - makes me feel a bit happier now :)

anyone else??

I say give it a go, if it doesn't work out for any reason you can come back.

Don't feel guilty.
Life is to be lived.
I am in Turkey a lot of the time,one sister is often in in Korea,the other in France (but about to move to Martinique) and parents in Saudi (they have been abroad for 40 years.)
'Abroad' isn't like it used to be,not with cheap airfares and e mails.
You will probably see even more of yuor mother assuming she comes over once a year or so for a good long holiday.

I moved to Australia last July. My mum isn't too thrilled tbh, but we only saw each other once a year when we were in the same country.

I expect we'll see more of each other as I'll have to make an effort to go home and see her.

We use web cams & video mails to stay in touch with friends back in the UK & Holland.

Dh and I remigrated ( or returned in my case) to Australia in 2004 - taking MIL's only grandchild and pregnant with her second grandchild. Whilst dh's sister is still in England with them - it is tough at times - dh's grandma died late last year at the same time as his dad finding out he had a heart problem and undergoing triple bypass surgery jsut before Christmas... that was tough - we would have given anything to be there with them but we couldn't afford the flights for four of us.

MIL ( fabulous woman) has not seen our dd2 and she is coming up 2 this year. Theya re now thinking about coming out to visit us next year - can't wait.

It was a big step in some ways for us - but some was easy - I already had a house prior to going to the UK, but we arrived here with just some savings, me 20 weeks pregnant and a child with sn. Dh managed to find a job within a few weeks and now is on his second job - which he loves. The sn provisions for our daughter with Down Syndrome are just amazing compared to what we could access in the UK and the lifestyle is just great... I am a SAHM mum with 2 dds and our lifestyle and standard of living is not compromised. Despite leaving two very good paying jobs in the UK.

Although we miss family and friends - best thing we ever did. MIL knows it is fab for dd1 and whilst she misses us terribly she knows we made the right decision for dd1.

If you are unsure then as you have said - you would come for a year and then the option to stay - if you never try it you will never know.

Hi Latz,
I think you should try it too.
I moved to Oz in 2002 to be with DH who is an Aussie.
The hardest thing without a doubt is the guilt/ sadness of my parents not being near to their only grandD.
BUT..... I would not have been living close by them anyway in the UK ( same as you) and would have only seen them 2 or 3 times a year.
Now I visit home annually for a few weeks and they visit me too. They see more of me than they do my brother who lives 3 hours away from them, my sister who lives also 3 hours away and definitely more than my little sister who lives down the road from them!
It is a long way, but it's all about your mindset - if you think Oz is too far; too expensive to travel home from; and a 24 hour flight is just not feasible - then that all becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you view it as not such a big deal then it becomes such.
We make a few sacrifices so that I can travel home regularly, but it's necessary.
Phonecalls with cheap phonecards are almost free!
We've just started video phonecalls on the internet ( free with MSN and Skype, I think)
The weather is fab and everyone seems to have a much more positive attitude about life here.
But it is full of Australians ( ha ha, only joking Eids!)
My parents ( who are creatures of habit and very much prefer to be in their comfort zone....same job for 40 years, etc) are thinking about moving out here in a few years.
So, you never know.
I'd definitely give it a go for a year.
Then you'll know whether you can do it or not.
And whether you want to.
It's worth choosing your destination carefully though so you don't end up in a dead end place.
I'm sure some on MN can advise re this if you want.
It's 22 degrees here just now, up to 28 today.
The sun is shining and we're off to the beach this weekend

agree with everything already said.
Personally, I don't have the Is It Selfish? Issue hanging over my decision as Australian DH lived away from his family for a total of 13 years, during5 of which his father was dying and his mother a widow and 3.9yrs with the kids. What I mean to say is it is DH's turn to live in his own country and DH's mother's turn to have us there, she went without for so long. Does that make sense?

And like many of you, I saw my parents less often in terms of actual time spent together when they lived at the other end of the M3 than I will now; they were here for 3 weeks last year and will be hear for a month in October.

And also with email and webcam it's all good.

Come to Australia

Hi Latz ...
When my DH was offered his job in NZ I cried and cried and cried despite the fact that we had made the joint decision for him to go for the job. I didn't want to tell my parents and I was secretly hoping he wouldn't get the job so that I didn't have to make the final decision of yes or no.
When we told my parents my mum wagged her finger under my nose and said, "You HAVE to do this, this is for you and YOUR family ... your father and I have had our time and now it is YOUR turn. I will be angry if your don't go just for us ... " ... It was hard to here those words but what she said was right ... and I will be forever grateful to her for saying it ... it took my guilt away and allowed DH and I to follow our dreams.
I speak to them every week and I have seen them 3 times in the last 4 years ... we have been back twice and they came here for DD's birth and they are coming for Xmas this year. When we see them it is for an intensive 3 - 6 weeks which is great and probably if we put the days together I may have seen more of them than my sister does IYSWIM?
I miss them, it is hard ... I worry about their health and constantly pray that if anything happens to them I will have enough 'time' to get home to see them ... I know that is a bit maudlin but they are not spring chickens anymore ...
I think it is great you will be able to afford her flights every year ... that is the perfect scenario IMHO and if we could do that we would.
Go for it ... THIS IS YOUR TIME
HTH ...

Ghosty, that's a lovely post.
I had a lump in my throat reading about what your parents said when you were considering leaving.
I only hope I will be as understanding and selfless when my DD wants to go overseas.

ghosty - your mum sounds like my MIL - whilst she misses us and the dds dreadfully - she knew it was the best decision for dd1. She is so pleased for us and can now see how great the dds are doing - esp dd1. That is not to say there weren't a lot of tears on their driveway as we left for Heathrow... and MIL gets sad when she sees pics of the dds and how much they are growing up.

It is easy for me to say - I came home to friends and family where as dh left the life/place he had known for his whole life.

However - I left Aus to go and live in the UK where I knew no one BUT did at least have a job to go to.... In 4 years I was there I met and married dh and had dd1, conceived dd2 and made some fabulous friends along the way. I do not regret for one minute leaving Aus and going to live in England.

Same here, my parents were supportive.
However when my boys go overseas, as they will at some point, I will be beside myself and probably not as gracious

I know ... I really don't see how I could be that gracious when my children want to go overseas to live forever ... but by then we may be happy to see the back of them - and their awful wives/husbands who will be dragging them off to get away from the witch of a MIL

I live in the UK and my parents are in America. My mum in particular finds it very difficult as the extent of her relationship with granchildren means that she sees them about once a year. I do feel guilty about this but feel that I can't live my life only doing what they want. It is your life. Things that have made it easier for her have been a very simple email machine (she is stubbornly computer illiterate), all photos go on a family website which can be accessed when she wants, and a weekly chat via computer and webcam. This last one took a while to set up as my Dad had to get a Mac so it was compatible with ours, but we now chat to them and see them (for free!) for 15 min every week, which makes my mum feel more included.
I also try and send packets over with things that the children made in school, drawings, updates from the local newspaper, etc.

I would say that if you can afford it, get a house with an extra room that can be hers to stay in when she comes to visit. Visits are long, and that extra bit of privacy and space is very helpful, for you and for your mum.
Best of luck.

me either ghosty and suzy - both my dds have dual nationality and I am sure they will want to visit the UK and perhaps live there -

God forbid they meet an englishman and want to marry him hopefully I can train them to lay down the law like I did before dh and I got married told him whilst I liked living in the UK i wanted to return to Australia and some time and should we have children they should be raised in Aus.

Although according to dh the girls aren't allowed to go out until they are 30 - so I can't see him letting them go to the UK!!

Latz, my parents and inlaws live in a different country but not too far away - we are lucky in that we get to see them 4-6 times a year. I would echo what others have said about setting up a website and adding photos regularly, also webcams and emails have made the world a smaller place.

However, me and my family do also have experience of being the ones who were "left" - my brother went to NZ nearly 5 years ago and married a local girl and they now have a baby. Unfortunately they are not very good at staying in touch and this has caused a lot of hurt to my parents and siblings. So things to do/not do to avoid causing hurt are:

Decide on a regular day and time to phone (each week if possible). Take it in turns to call each other if necessary. It is very cheap to phone Australia from here now, don't know if the opposite is true. Because of the time difference and the work they do, it is very hard to get hold of my brother and his wife. Would be easier if we knew they would always be in on a Sunday night, for example.

Get someone from here to send you a diary each year so you know when Mothers Day is, for example (it's different in Australia). Write in all the family birthdays and send a card in time to arrive by the relevant day. It is probably expensive to post gifts and your family will understand if you can't do this. If you do want to send something you could maybe order it via the internet from a UK company.

Let your family know when you or your dd receives a gift from them, just by sending a text or email. When things are being sent a long way it's nice to know they arrived safely. Of course thank-you letters would be nice but not necessary!

Send actual photos as well as emailing digital ones and get them to send some to you. Have these on display in frames or albums that your dd has access to so she doesn't forget her relatives back here. My ds knows he has an uncle, aunt and cousin in NZ and what he looks like. I'm not sure I could say the same for my nephew over there

Oh and I almost forgot the worst thing my sil did - when my mum was visiting last year sil told her she didn't like flying and wasn't going to let my brother ever get on a plane again (effectively ruling out him ever going home to visit)