Got very drunk before going out on Saturday night and proceeded to drink at dull dinner party. And did the following:
Sent a friend a "voicemail" message of me having a pee. It wasn't just a straightforward pee, it sounded like a symphony - long gushes, little drips and stopping and starting. 
Entertained other friends with drunken text messages all evening which included such gems as "F*ck me, I'm dribbling" and "Have spilt casserole all over my tits, do you think X (another guest) would lick it off if I asked him?"
Repeatedly told the woman's cat to fuck off and that it was the ugliest cat I'd ever seen. She loves this cat to bits and it is virtually her only friend.
Told woman her food was better than her usual effort and had she had a few lessons since we last ate there?
There is probably a lot more - this is all that I remember so far or that friends have "helpfully" pointed out to me.
I am cringeing...