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Original poster

How can I be non-confrontational / avoid arguing about friend?

22 replies

Mosschops30 · 17/03/2006 16:02

Desparate advice needed. Some of you may remember that last year at a wedding I had a terrible argument with one of dh's friends and we havent spoken since. DH told me that he had said he was no longer welcome at our house and wasnt to phone either. DH went to this blokes birthday party against my wishes and they still see each other at some things.
I am in the process of sending out baptism invitations and obviously wont be inviting this person. dh says he would like him to come but we havent discussed it any further. I need to do invites this weekend how can I tackle it without causing an argument?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 17/03/2006 16:46

bump

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fireflyfairy2 · 17/03/2006 16:49

Can you ask your Dh to maybe go out for a drink with him later on in the day after all the people have went home? Is this guy married? Most single fellas I know wouldn't go to a baptism on their own anyway, so chances are, if he isn't married then he won't come anyway.

Can you reach a compromise seeing as your Dh and he are still mates? It's a difficult position to be in, but, just for one day, I would swallow my pride and be the bigger woman

Mazzystar · 17/03/2006 16:49

Well I guess it depends why you fell out and if it was unforgiveable.

One of you is going to have to compromise so I guess it depends how strongly you feel and whether you and this bloke could get on - even if jsut for the day - for your DH' sake.

wannaBe1974 · 17/03/2006 17:43

Agree with Mazzystar, depends on why you fell out. Also, think of how you would feel if the situation was reversed. If your DH fell out with one of your friends would you be happy to exclude her because he and she weren't speaking? or would you cut her out of your life on your DH's say so? The fell out is between you and your DH's friend, he still has a right to be friends with him, and it's his child's baptism as well?

CarolinaMoon · 17/03/2006 17:47

I think I remember you posting about it and it being pretty unforgiveable.

You need to say calmly that you are still very upset about what happened and you can't make this bloke welcome at a special family event (after all, a christening isn't just any old party).

Whether that'll avoid an argument is another matter

mandieb · 17/03/2006 18:50

OK I have to ask why did you fall out .

Freckle · 17/03/2006 19:08

Hmm, a baptism suggests that you have religious beliefs. So why not offer the olive branch to this person? You could send the invitation with a covering note saying something like "I know we fell out over x, but, as this is my child's baptism, I feel it is time to forgive and forget and both dh and I would like you to be there".

fireflyfairy2 · 17/03/2006 19:37

Oh I think I may have read this too.. was it at a party or something and he said something rather rude to you?

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 17/03/2006 20:04

yes he was very abusive and made racist comments, shouting right in my face in front of other guests. regardless of my religious beliefs I wont tolerate this and have no desire to speak to him (have seen him at several events, he offered me a drink at one and I politely refused and now we just keep our distance), I dont want him to be part of this special celebration I just want to not argue about it with dh and want to know how to be diplomatic and sound like I'm being reasonable whilst still getting my own way

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tigermoth · 17/03/2006 20:16

your dh must see that you are deeply upset about this friend of his. Shouting racist comments at you sounds awful. If seeing him at the baptism will spoil a special day for you , there is no getting away from this. There is also no deep reason for this friend to be there - he is not family. So I think your dh should give in to your wishes and I don't think you are being at all unreasonable if you take a stand against your dh.

If you want to sound more reasonable, can you say to your dh that you will not object to meeting him on a purely social occasion - and will be civil to him as long as he is civil to you.

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 17/03/2006 20:25

yes thats always the case, I dont make a show at social occasions and we just keep our distance. So when do I broach the subject, shall I wait until I am writing the invitations, or shall I sit down now and do a list, asking him who to invite

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Freckle · 17/03/2006 21:21

Oh I see. I didn't realise what the issue was.

I would make a list and ask dh if he wants to add anyone to it. If he suggests x, then just say that, on this particular occasion, as it is so special and meaningful for you, you would rather not invite someone who so offended you and who has made it clear that you are not someone he likes. If dh objects to his exclusion, ask him why it is so important that he should be there when he knows how upsetting to you his presence would be.

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 20/03/2006 14:35

I did tackle this over the weekend, I sat doing the list and said to dh 'we need to talk about the x issue' and he said 'well I want him to come' and I said 'why would you want to invite someone who upset me so much'.
This ended with dh screaming at me to stop hassling him and he didnt want to talk about it.
Now I am back to square 1. Part of me wants to bite the bullet and just invite him, but why should I and why should his feelings come before mine.

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quanglewangle · 20/03/2006 15:32

Oh dear. Can't be of much help but have a idea how you feel. My dh too prefers to do a shout and a flounce instead of talking. What a shame it is spoiling what should be a lovely occaion.

wannaBe1974 · 20/03/2006 15:46

well tbh given the circumstances of the falling out I think your DH is being very unsupportive. If someone was that abusive to my DH I would most likely never speak to that person again, after all, you insult my DH, you insult me, so your DH should be on your side in this matter, after all it wasn't exactly just a little tiff now was it, and no doubt things were said that couldn't be unsaid.

I think you have two options, either ask your dh why he refuses to talk about this issue, and put it to him that by refusing to discuss it, he is inadvertantly siding with the man who was so horrible to you, of course by doing this you are potentially setting yourself up for more confrontation. Alternatively, as you're the one sending the invitations, just don't bother to send him one. If your DH is the non talking type then I'd imagine he's the non doing type as well? If he wants this man invited, he can take it upon himself to send him an invitation, just don't tell your DH that you haven't sent one, then if he asks after the event why x didn't come you can say it was because you didn't send an invitation and thought that your DH would do it. bit underhanded I know but ..

quanglewangle · 20/03/2006 15:56

Good strategy wannabe.
Works with xmas cards too. After years of being on xmas card duty I left cards to some of dh's friends to him (the ones I didn't like). Of course he never got around to it and lost touch. Don't think it was underhand, just letting things take their natural course...

Bink · 20/03/2006 16:03

It does sound as if there's a raw nerve for your dh here too - why could that be? Your not wanting this person to come sounds (and is) completely reasonable; your dh's wanting him to come sounds totally, weirdly unreasonable - a baptism isn't something that every single person you've ever known comes to, is it - not like a wedding or a 100th birthday party ...

What is the relationship between them? Is dh godfather to one of his children, or something? Or an important business contact? What does dh get by demanding this person comes?

I'm just musing, because it seems so out of proportion. Anyway, in your shoes, I would stick simply to "this is a special event so we should only be asking people we both want", matter-of-factly repeated as many times as necessary.

Bink · 20/03/2006 16:05

Oh, yes - agree with others - do the invitations yourself (leaving him out), and don't actually raise the issue again unless dh does.

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 20/03/2006 16:59

dh likes to keep everyone happy all the time, oh apart from me. Even when the original thing happened he didnt step in until someone actually said 'are you going to let him talk to your wife like that'!
This guy has no children or partner, he is a sad loser, spends his time internet dating and slobbing about his house. The only thing that dh gets by inviting him is not looking bad in front of his mates.
wannabe I think you are right on so many aspects. I think I will try and confront the situation again as its going to run and run otherwise. Just dont want a big row with dh

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Original poster

Mosschops30 · 20/03/2006 17:00

I will do the invites anyway but just like dh so mention it to him and for him to turn up and ruin my day

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Feistybird · 20/03/2006 17:06

Mosschops, I would be seriously pissed of with my DP if he continued an active friendship with someone who publicly insulted me.

I'm probably of no help when I say it, but I would absolutely refuse to have this person at my child's celebration, it would be a slap in the face if he went against my wishes. I think you need to write a letter to your DH, (as he won't discuss rationally) explaining in no uncertain terms how this man's verbal abuse made you feel and how you absolutely cannot have him at your child's baptism.

Am furious on your behalf.

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 20/03/2006 17:08

thanks feistybird, I know, I have been through these feelings myself so many times, I feel unsupported and sometimes as if I have lost some respect in dh because of his handling of the situation.
dd's christening party was ruined by my exp's ex turning up, I just want this to be a nice affair!

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