Help! mum feeling very depressed

[Chandra]

I am feeling very depressed, I have been trying to combine my PG studies with having a baby and going back to work and of course, it's not working... but leaving one of them is not possible... 2 weeks ago I went to the doctor and she diagnosed a mild depression, I'm feeling very frustrated with no energies to do anything, very lonely (I am not from this country) and on top of that my DS eczema has come back very badly so he spends a good time of the day crying and scratching himself making the thing worse. Is any body out there in a simmilar situation???

Chandra - I am an advisor for part time students, like yourself, at a HE institution. Although my situtation is not really similar to yours, I do know how hard it is to juggle all these different "lives" that you have, ie your life as a mummy, student and worker. I work full time at the moment and have 2 small children, and find it hard enough juggling the 2 acts let alone 3.
I suggest you contact your College's student advisory service. They are not just there for counselling etc, but also for support and guidance. They can perhaps liaise with your academic tutor so that your PG workload could be lightened, or your deadlines could be rearranged a bit to give you a bit of slack to cope with everything else.
Also, your student advisory service can put you in touch with other students who are parents, or are not from the UK. Where are you studying?
Most institutions are now aware that students need all the support they can get, and are usually more than willing to provide these support networks.
I don't know what to suggest regarding your ds's eczema as I don't have direct experience of it with my children, but I'm sure other mumsnetters will be able to offer some advice soon.

Thanks BadHair, I have already asked for an extension last term so I am a bit embarrased about asking for another one besides...the more time that I left in the middle the more difficult to start again...
I have had a lot of contact with the family's association of the Univ. but we decided to leave it for a while as the group have become a bit too gossipy and very judgemental, it's mainly composed by latin americans which unfortunately in this case -and I stress that it's just in this case- are bit 'macho' oriented and I'm tired of them making jokes about my husband because he helps me at home or, as it happened last week, to be called a 'bad woman' and a bad influence to good woman who take 'proper' care of their husbands... this definitively has not helped me feeling any better because it makes me realise even further that I am not only a foreigner in this country but I have started being a foreigner even on my own...

Dear Chandra,
I was a postgrad student when I had my ds (2.5) and I agree it is very difficult. The thing that helped me was a full time nursery place, though we had to use all our savings to afford it even at the university nursery. The second year I got two full days as we couldn't afford full time that year, but that still really helped, as for those days you can concentrate just on your studies and then you can forget them and concentrate on the baby the rest of the time. Both research and babies are things that demand full concentration, so I found it worked best to segregate them timewise.
I got VERY depressed in the first year, only helped by seeing lots of people and grimly carrying on with the course for dear life. In retrospect I think I should have got antidepressants - you've done the first step and gone to the doctor, so well done - I never got that far!! If she's given you anti-d's I think they take a couple of weeks to kick in, so it might get better soon. If not, might it be worth asking about this option?
I also found the local National Childbirth Trust group quite helpful - they picked me up for their meetings as I didn't have a car, and although there was a little distance as they had all bonded and I was new, ( and I was the only non - stay at home mum!), they were very nice and it was more people to talk to which I needed.
Hope it gets btter. Where in the country are you?

Hhhm, the families association sound a bit "suspect" in their views of women, particularly for people studying in a supposedly enlightened academic environment. It might be worth mentioning this to the group's organiser, or is he/she one of the people who hold these ridiculous views? Honestly, you'd think they'd be glad to hear that your husband was doing his share at home - this is the 21st century!! Perhaps your dh could give my dp a lesson or 2!
Whilst I don't know you and I don't want to make an easy judgment, it does sound as if you'd be able to cope better if you had some friends for support. Is there anyone on your course who you think you might have something in common with? Perhaps someone else with children, someone not from the UK, or someone who does a similar job to you outside of studying? Is there perhaps someone at work who is also studying or has children, who would understand how hard it is to fit everything in?
Have you thought about Homestart , or something similar? Or joining a mothers and toddlers club (but I know this is difficult when you have time pressures). Just something to get a bit of extra support and a good chat now and again.

Thank you very much for your advise, I have taken note of both the Home-Start and the National Childbirth Trust, I will try to contact them soon.

I think one of the reasons of my "isolation" is that with so many things to do I barely find time to go out without feeling guilty about the amount of things that are still to be done...university homeworks, keeping the business alive (I'm working from home), find the time and the energy to play with DS and do the house work... I have not been able to be out and about much during this year as DS eczema went wild during the summer and he only needed 5 min under the sun to get the skin so dry and cracked that we forgot about outings...

I have got two full days at the nursery (is the only we can afford at the moment) and I spend half of the time working, half time studying, and have been separating the time I spent with DS from the time I spend working and studying, I'm getting very behind with university work and business issues but... it's definitely helping...

I used to go to a mums group organised by my health visitor, but as there was a lot of background noise in the place I was not able to follow a good part of the conversations and started to feel a bit stupid about my contributions and stopped going..(I have a mild hearing problem and even though I do lip reading in Spanish, I can't in English..)

....

Chandra, have you thought about drawing up a kind of timetable for yourself, flexible of course, not a Gina Ford-style thing? Just so that you can organise yourself round all the things you have to do. It sounds like your dh is very supportive, perhaps he could help with this so that you manage to rota in all the things that need to be done. Although it will no doubt go to pot from time to time it might make you feel better in yourself. I did this when I first went back to work after having ds1, and although it was hardly ever adhered to I did feel that I had some control over my time.
Can some tasks be done at the same time, eg doing some housework with ds so that you're getting time with him aswell. He'll see it as playing, and will probably be delighted to be given a duster and allowed to wave it around the sideboard, and you get 2 things done at once.
Also, don't be embarassed about asking for another extension for an essay. Most tutors are perfectly aware of the pressures that students are under, and as HE institutions are incredibly keen to recruit and retain part time students they should be sympathetic. Mine certainly is.
It also sounds like you really do need some time to yourself, even just an hour every few days to go shopping, or for a walk, or just a long, hot bath with no interruptions. I know it sounds impossible to do, but if you can manage it, you really do feel refreshed. Perhaps you could do it while your ds is at nursery?
Re the mums group - don't be put off because you don't feel you can communicate. Once you get to know one or two mums better you could invite them to your house, or go to theirs, where the noise levels would be lower. Or could you mention to the group organiser that you have difficulty, and he/she might be able to introduce you to some of the mums on a one to one basis?
Also, in 6 months time your ds will qualify for nursery vouchers, so he could have a few more hours with his friends while you get some more time for everything else. I don't know what to suggest re your ds eczema, but perhaps your gp could help?
I do know how difficult it is to fit everything into one day, and its not easy but with some planning it can be done.