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Original poster

Does your mother spend much time with your children?

25 replies

lavender1 · 12/12/2003 18:16

Hello, have to talk about this someone as think am being unreasonable, and wondered if anyone else in the same boat.

The fact is in the last 3 years my mother has not spent one night in our house, yet I have been to visit her many times for days at a time. She is not invalid at all, has been to Australia, Crete, Cornwall and tomorrow is going on a 3 week safari with her new man. I chatted to her on the phone and she said oh you must come up at half term...why won't she come here..I live on an estate and see grandparents in and out of lots of houses...Am I asking too much to ask for 2 days with us in 3 years...She can even have a bed in my daughter's room....Do grandparents do what they like come retirement as have spent years bringing up own children? Please help I'm confused.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 12/12/2003 18:21

My parents have never stayed overnight with us either but they visit for the day (nearly 2 hour journey each way).

twiglett · 12/12/2003 18:21

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twiglett · 12/12/2003 18:23

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Original poster

lavender1 · 12/12/2003 18:25

Thanks Twiglett, although I have invited her many times, personally and she always makes up an excuse...she even went to America to visit my sister for 10 days last year, and she hasn't visited us in 2 years, not even a drive down...Wouldn't you take that personally?

OP posts:

Original poster

lavender1 · 12/12/2003 18:30

yes Twiglett she is doing lots of things, 6 holidays so far this year and I'm extremely proud and happy for her but I don't think 2 days at our house is too much to ask?...Why do some grandparents do it and others it's so much effort, every grandparent has brought up children yet some spend time getting to know grandchildren...I know what you mean though about going out and enjoying herself.

OP posts:

twiglett · 12/12/2003 18:36

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Original poster

lavender1 · 12/12/2003 18:42

Twiglett, thanks, this website is just great! I have asked her, she never gives a reason. I have no fear am cheery person but just want her to make the effort here, as other grandparents on my estate do it a lot, probably with 5 children as well,(there are 5 of us and she had a tough time, husband didn't hand over his wages when we were young so she had to work hard to look after us). Thanks I feel better for this chat

OP posts:

Davros · 12/12/2003 19:07

Simple answer to the title of this thread, "NO".

countrylady · 20/02/2004 21:17

My parents emigrated to Australia when they retired about 18 years ago. They never came back to see their only grandchildren, but they have paid for us (that is myself, dh,ds and dd) to go and see them a few times lately, but they didn't show a lot of interest in the children when they were little. Maybe some grandparents show more interest when the children are older. Ours are now 13 and 9. I was hurt by this when our children were young, especially as my parents-in-law died when the children were still very young.
It's also hard as we've no other relatives here that we see.

Dreams · 20/02/2004 21:48

My mother is the same! i have a son who is 17 months and i have been with him 24/7 since he was born nobody in my family has wanted to look after him! I asked my mother once why and i got the same answer as someone else has put ! " i have had my kids and brought them up and i don't want to bringing up anymore! She said to me you wanted a baby you look after him!
My point to this is i am not asking her to bring him up i am asking for one night to relax and maybe haave a lie in in the morning!
I dont think people understand how hard it is bringing up a child and being with that child 24/7 never being apart since the day they have been born it does get hard at times and i believe everyone needs a break!
My family all live with in 10 mins down the road is well!
My partners mum and dad would love to have our son but they live nearly 4 hrs away! She loves being a Grandma though and its sad to think my son is missing out on not having a proper Grandma who he can spend time with! She sees all her other 3 gran kids and they love her to bits but when we go and visit he does not even know who they are !
Its hard and makes me feel very sad inside!

carla · 20/02/2004 21:54

My mum invites herself for the day - London to Oxford and back, by coach. No choice. Bless

noddy5 · 20/02/2004 22:40

when it suits her

auntymabel · 20/02/2004 23:03

My mum changed when I had ds. I have seen a softer side to her - something I probably last experienced when I was very little. She looks after ds for half a day a week and brings him home in the evening so I get chance to get home from work and have my tea in peace. She also has him to sleep quite regularly, if I'm going out for the evening and dh is working. She really spoils him although she denies this when I tell her! I didn't really realise how lucky I was, until I read about other people's circumstances. My dad also says that ds is the best thing that's ever happened to them (not sure how to take that!). I do feel like she's there for us if I need her but I try not to take advantage

HiddenSpirit · 21/02/2004 00:27

The answer for both mine & DP's mothers would be no.

I haven't seen my mother in nearly 3 years. She hasn't met DP, DD or DS2 and she doesn't seem to interested in arranging it. It would be a different story if I offered to pay no doubt, but we can't afford to and tbh I wouldn't want to waste my money on her (that's a different, very long story though).

DP's mum is different. We used to see her a lot more than we have recently, but she is full time carer for DP's nan too now, so she doesn't have much free time to come down to visit. She has had the 3 kids stay with her for a week twice before though and said the offer is there when we want it, which has been a godsend, even more so as she isn't in the best of health herself.

I would love to move to live closer to my MIL (I even call her mum) but DP aint so keen on the idea lol

Lisa78 · 21/02/2004 00:50

Dreams and others - did your grandparents never help your mum out with a spot of babysitting? I'm sure they will have done

emmatmg · 21/02/2004 06:32

Since DS3 was born 5 months ago my mum has seen the children about 3-4 times. They came for the day this week and we haven't seen them since Xmas so it's quite irratic. I wouldn't mind more visits but equally I'm not bothered by the lack of visits so I'm happy either way.

MIL is another thing altogether, she's staying with BIL this weekend and will visit, hopefully very briefly tomorrow seeing DS3 for the first time and DS1+2 the first time in about a year.

I'm soooo happy with life at the moment, my DH and my children are my world but when I was told yerterday that she was coming it felt like that world was crumbling and she's caused it

I know that's extreme but I couldn't even talk about it last night,DH knows how I feel about her and believe me I have good reason to feel it, but he just humours me when I feel like this as his loyalty always seems to lie with her and that kills me.

Skara · 21/02/2004 07:28

Mine is brilliant with them but in very short (2 hour) bursts. Has taken them overnight about 3 times, but very much like Lavender's is of the opinion that she is having her life now and we're not going to get in the way. She travels a lot too and does a lot at the weekends, which is lovely but she got a LOT of help from my grandmother when we were growing up but claims not to remember it. However my grandmother has pointed it out to me on several occasions so I know I'm not imagining it! The ILs on the other hand are very good with the children but live at the other end of the UK and seem to think there's a force field repelling them - they've visited twice in 5 years. It's becoming increasingly difficult and expensive to trawl the ever-enlarging family across the country to see them, but I feel terribly guilty at the thought of them not seeing the children. Shame they don't feel the same way
I read an article recently saying that we're the products of a different generation, who are more inclined to think of themselves first and family after, which is certainly true in our case. I'd love the children to have the sort of grandparents who were around a bit more, but it's not going to happen.

tigermoth · 21/02/2004 07:49

My boys only have grandparents on their father's side now, as my parents are dead. I have noticed that as the boys get older, their grandparents are more keen to spend time alone with them. They were not so hands on when they were toddlers or babies. Two reasons:

Firstly it's a demanding time. PIL have been through it once so feel they have suffered their fair share of stress and exhaustion.

Secondly, they don't want to upset me or the children - I had my own way of doing things and my sons were naturally attached to mummy.

The problem is the last reason ends up justifying the first reason for a bit too long in my opinion!

Lavendar, you say you have asked you mum why she will not stay with you and she won't give an answer. And you've specifically invited her too and she still refuses. Poor you, that would really get to me.

I'd expect an answer at least. Have you tried suggesting ones to her ie 'is it the children? does their energy tire you out?'. Do you think she is trying to be tactful and doesn't want to criticise your children to you so that's why she's dodgimg the issue? Or is she picky about having her own room to sleep in alone, and again doesn't want to imply that your house is not up to her standards? is she a light sleeper? I think older people often get more fussy, especially if they have lived in a childless house for many years.

You say your mother visited your sister in America - does she have children? Do you know what the living arrangements were and have you spoken to your sister about how the visit went? That could spread some light on things.

tallulah · 21/02/2004 16:34

My mum has been to visit us more since my dad died 7 years ago than they did in all the previous years. They used to say our house was too small (!) but we knew it was because they didn't think it was clean enough and we don't eat meat! They used to come to see us (allegedly) then spend the whole weekend with my dad's sister & my cousin! That used to really hurt.

I used to prefer to go to them when the kids were tiny because it meant I could hand them over, relax & be "off duty" while we were there. Grandma's house, grandma's rules! She'd have kept them if she could- she didn't feel I was capable!

Now they are teenagers she never misses an opportunity to tell me what I great job I've made of raising them. If only she'd told me that when they were little and I was constantly stressed out (& she criticised their hair- too long- their clothes- too dirty & just about everything else. )

BadHair · 21/02/2004 16:46

When ds1 was born my mum used to regularly (every month or so) do a 2 hr train journey to come down to see us, sometimes staying overnight. My dad, however, couldn't even be rsed to come to the hospital when he was born, despite being offered a free lift.
We now live 10 mins away from them and I have to beat both of them off with a shtty stick - they'd move in if they could.

Tortington · 21/02/2004 17:32

my mum threw the kids pictures at me and called them EVIL...erm..that would be a no then!

aloha · 21/02/2004 17:42

As a grandparent I really don't think I would like to leave my comfortable house and my double bed with my partner and sleep in a child's room and wake up at the crack of dawn etc etc. Actually, I loathe staying overnight with anyone! It seems your mother is very happy to spend time with you and the children but wants to stay in her own home, which doesn't really seem so bad. Is it a very long drive? Could she easily come to visit you for a day? I can understand it is a big deal to uproot all the children to take them to grandma's, but she does sound as if she had a long, hard time of it bringing up five kids and really enjoys her life now.
Re your other question, my mum lives just down the road and spends a lot of time with ds - sees him at least twice a week normally - for a morning or afternoon or comes out with us for a daytrip. But she goes home to sleep in her own bed! MIL is older and lives in Yorkshire (we're in London) so we visit her, not vice-versa, these days.

eidsvold · 21/02/2004 18:37

I am the only girl in my family and when I had my first child my mother was not present..having said that - she has seen dd once in two years for a week... BUT she lives in Australia. Despite a number of offers from friends to fly with her - she has never visited me in the UK - been here almost four years. She has seen my neice a lot more - but again - they live a 2 hours flight away from my mum and it is them who always go to visit her than her going to visit them.

Wonder what wil change when we emigrate and will be living 15 minutes drive from her.

See dh's parents about once a month or so.

nutcracker · 21/02/2004 18:48

My mom only lives over the road from me at the mo so my kids see her nearly every other day, and they stay the night at hers sometimes. When we lived a bit further away she used to come over once a week to see them. My dad very rarely comes to visit, but we visit him every saturday.
I think i would probably feel a bit hurt if it were me.

countrylady · 22/02/2004 14:49

As Dreams has said above, my mother and my aunt both said to me when our ds was 3 and our dd was a few months old, and I said I'd just like a few hours break occasionally as our son wasn't well, that "If you want breaks and time with your husband, you shouldn't have a baby. Nobody made you. You chose to have them, now you look after them". My mother also said that she wasn't maternal and both she and my father don't really like little children but, in their day, it was expected of a couple to have children. I think my parents also disapproved of our having children later in life, ie our late-thirties.

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