ARGH! Please can I rant about my mother?

[GeorginaA]

I'm not asking for advice. I'd just like to vent somewhere where she's not like to see it. I know others have much more serious issues with their mothers but mine is just driving me nuts at the moment.

We're doing Christmas at hers this year, which is fine, except it tends to be a little "quiet" (in-laws Christmas my mum is invited to as well, plus all of ds' cousins, and it's a really roudy family full Christmas spirit affair... great fun). It is well past her "turn" though, so that's okay.

She was asking for ideas for what to get ds for Christmas so I made a list of several things she could choose from and it still be a "surprise". However, before I could send it to her she phoned me up and announced that she had already bought his present - an expensive wooden dollshouse.

We've been through this before, she's always wanted to get one of these (more for herself than my kids) and has been pestering me to have a girl so she could buy one (as if I had a say in the matter!) Then at ds' 2nd birthday this year asked if he'd like one, and I said probably, but only get a cheap plastic one as he's unlikely to get more than a couple of years play out of it and it'd be a waste of money (he's really into cars, books, trains, etc. Will play with some dolls housey stuff but only for limited periods of time and with the best will in the world, I can't see him spending a lot of time with it).

I'm fuming inside, but outside saying "oh that's nice". What a waste of money! It's huge as well - we've only got a tiny house, god knows where we're going to put it. I'm also (if I'm honest) slightly miffed that ds' big present will be from his nana rather than from us (we certainly can't afford anything to match that, not that he needs anything that expensive anyway - we'd planned to get a mix of smaller things for him to open this year), but I wouldn't mind if it was something he really wanted that we just couldn't afford - but this gift is solely for HER not ds!!

Okay, I have issues with my mother anyway, as this post probably shows plainly

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My MIL bought DD a dolls pram when she was 22 months old. She didn't ask first, there was nowhere to put it & DD didn't even like dolls! It was broken within a couple of months because DD decided it might be nice to ride in/on. MIL paid a lot for it but bought it because she wanted a DD & didn't have one, not because she thought DD would like it.

A few years back MIL asked what I wanted for Xmas & I told her this particular paperback. It had just come out, all the shops had it on display. Gave her the name & author. What did I get Xmas day? A book token! My one chance to just sit & read quietly but all the shops are shut Xmas Day. Why bother? Since then I haven't bothered even thinking of anything & just get money.

popsycal, her other favourite trick is to give me money to buy something for the children ON their birthday...

Crystaltips: I'll sell it for you on Ebay, or help you sell it, if you like. Just send me a digital photo and use 'Contact Another Talker' to email me & figure out the other details.

ps: My mom always bought me the most poor taste gifts, She honestly could not understand my taste (we never understood each other, at all). My Dad & I called a truce on Birthday/Xmas gifts years ago; he rarely sends gifts for the kids on Xmas/Birthdays, but sends regular "care" packages with stuff for the kids all year long.

DH's Father & Step-mum tend to buy very cheap tat for the kids for Xmas, so awful I'm embarrassed to even give it to Charity shops. Given we only see them once a year, wouldn't want to damage fragile relations with any criticism.

My American relatives are all very generous, and buy the most noisy, battery-greedy electronic and violent toys. Don't see them often, and can't explain how different my cultural sensibilities are, now.

But MIL -- she's great. Always asks for ideas, and I'm delighted she's generous and spends more than us because we can't afford to treat the kids to much at all. Maybe some of your MILs just need a bit of talking to?

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I have to say that after zebra's comment about her mother-in-law I have to confess that I too have the most superb MIL. I really did luck out there. She's above and beyond nice and generous, really supportive of all the things I do with ds and away from ds. Always drops me an email to tell me "you're doing great" when I'm feeling a bit low.

I think the part about understanding each other's tastes really hit home to me. It's probably a personality thing. I really struggle to find something for mum and I guess she finds the same for me, dh and ds - we don't really have a lot in common, which is a shame.

But mil, dh and me (and it looks like ds will be as well) are real book people, and if all else fails we can natter for hours about books. MIL can buy books I'd never even consider reading and then I find that I can't put them down for weeks.

I'm loving reading all these stories, btw... I know the underlying frustration behind them, but they are very funny - have laughed out loud on many of them!

My Mother always used to buy dd dolls that were far too old for her, with fussy, frilly clothes. She would then be pissed off that dd would want to take the clothes off the doll. I think she thought that she should just look at the doll. I had to stop her buying dd (then not 2 years old) a 2 foot high doll with china face and hands.

Oh, it's soooo nice to know that it's not just my relatives who buy pressies for themselves not the kids. Perhaps we can all get together after Christmas and do a Swap Shop!
I'll start the ball rolling with the 4ft remote control fire engine that PIL bought ds1 for 3rd birthday, knowing full well that most of it was liable to kill or maim ds2 who was just crawling at the time. I'd swap for a well-crafted, decorative wooden toy that they can play with quietly together on the carpet. OK I'd settle for anything without sirens, batteries or wheels.

oooh zebra ... thanks ... it is in the attic ... give me a day or so to get myself together !!

Thanks so much XX

add my MIL to the list - last year she got dd a horrible cheap plastic purse (the ones on cards found in local newsagents shops for atbout £1) and a Mars Bar! The purse was actually really sharp and dangerous for a young child!! She has never been interested in dd but now that I have just had a ds she is suddenly my best friend... lots of issues there ...don't want to bore you all...

my MIL told me the kids were geting mony this year - oh and all the grandchildren were geting money this year..except for favourite sons kids who she is geting presents for "becuase i see them all the time"

then there is my mother - who never phones or writes and recently has taken to not sneding birthday cards becuase she is convinced the only reason i contact her at all is for her money - of which she is paranoid about and which has eternally imprisoned her and her feelings - and of which there isnt really that much actually!! and i definatley dont want. there is something twisted in thinking i send her letters and photo's - i drive 300 miles to see her and my nan - because i am somehow desperate for that fiver she sticks in a card for the kids

quite franlly this xmas ( which i deplore anyway becuase i always get this shit) i feel likewriting them all letters telling them to stick their money.

i understand that money is easy to post - its easy to give. i also understand that if they get a prezzie its been chosen with love. its the thoughtlessness

i dont want to feel greatful for my kids getting a tenner from MIL and MUM ( combined)
grrrrrr

Having read some of these accounts, I've just realised that my parents and parents-in-law are both fab! (despite all their faults), and treat dd very well (with thoughtful and considered gifts). I'm going to appreciate them a bit more from now on (a bit early for a New Years resolution but still...)

And sympathies to those of you with less considerate relatives.

I do worry that I will mess up my relationship with my kids the way my parents did with theirs. Like you, Georgina, I hope that working things out and through might make it better...

Custardo, I feel exactly the same about xmas now
I used to love it , it was actually my fave time of yr but now it just brings tension and stress and causes arguments every yr between me and dh about the inlaws, who basically just ignore me and my children but love to bits other sons dw and mil has even just gone to stay with them as their fist baby has just been born. Ywt she won't say two words to me.