really funny email jokes

[perfumelady]

How to Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry
hamper according

to lights, darks, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom
wearing long

dressing down. If husband seen along the way cover up
any exposed flesh

and rush to the bathroom. Look at womanly physique in
the mirror and

stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower.

Look for facecloth, armcloth, loincloth, long loofah and
pumice stone.

Wash hair once with cucumber and lamphrey shampoo with
83 added

vitamins. Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey
conditioner with

enhanced natural crocus oil leave on hair for 15 mins.
Wash face with

crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red
raw. Wash entire

rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse

conditioner off hair taking at least 15 mins to make
sure that it's all

come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving
bikini area but

decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when
husband flushes

toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn
off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots
with tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with a towel the size of small
African country.

Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel. Check entire
body for

remotest sign of spots. Attack with nail/tweezers (if
you can find

them). Return to bedroom weaing long dressing gown and
towel on head.

If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then
rush to bedroom to

spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How to Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in
a pile. Walk

naked to the bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her
while shouting

"Way Hey"!!! Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your
manly physique.

Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and
smell fingers for

one last whiff. Get in shower. Don't bother to look for
wash cloth!

Don't need one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how
loud farts

sound in the shower. Wash bollocks and the surrounding
area. Wash

arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use
conditioner.

Make mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain
to see self in

mirror. Piss in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower.
Fail to

notice water on floor because shower curtain outside
bath for whole

shower time. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror,
flex muscles

and admire size of knob again.Leave shower curtain open
and wet bath mat

on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to
bedroom with

towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel,
grab knob, go

"yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterday's
clothes.

Hippie joke

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her:
"Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver.

"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver "

Aeroplane joke

A man boards a plane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and
sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is
heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes
over him.

Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a
conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa, he thinks !!!---Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen,
sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular
myths about sexuality.
"Really," he says, swallowing hard "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the
most well-endowed when, in fact,it is the Native American Indian who is most
likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are
the best lovers, when actually it is men of Irish descent!! Suddenly, the
woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I
shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Murphy"

Message withdrawn

cod do you like anything? surely one of them must have brought a tiny smile to your face?

I thought they were funny