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Original poster

What would you do if you ended up with a teenage 'brat'

63 replies

Blandmum · 23/02/2006 08:23

Having watched 'Brat Camp' last night I had my usual semi-panic over what I would do if dd/ds ended up this bratish.

What stratagies would you/have you used to curb excessive behaviour in older kids.

Can you ground them, if they are big enough to just walk out of the house? Stop pocket money....will they then just steal from you?

Seeing some of these kids...one had been reported as a missing person 70-80 times, one was smoking 20 spliffs a day, one was extremly violent....yuo are left wondering what the parents can do. And in my experience (school wise) social services tend not to be much help.

What would you do?

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 23/02/2006 08:30

It's always puzzled me how you ground a teenager who refuses to be grounded. In between the excessive turmoil (experienced with dd2)you continue to plug away with love and don't give up on the small things.

GeorginaA · 23/02/2006 08:31

I don't know - I really don't know.

Many years back, I had a friend whose 14-year-old daughter was violent. My friend was really petite and physically not a huge presence and was a single parent (her ex-husband had been violent but left when her daughter was very tiny and had no contact since).

It was a really scary time for her - any sanctions she attempted to impose were pretty much crushed for much the same reasons as you outlined. At one point, she talked to a police officer (out late looking for her daughter who had gone missing again) and in desperation mentioned social services. The police man's advise was NOT to involve social services, because in his opinion/experience the moment you put them into care, even for a short duration, then you've lost them - just goes into a downward spiral from there.

Then just at breaking point, her daughter started getting more under control - was about 2 years of hell though

I really don't know how she coped and got through it, looking back.

batters · 23/02/2006 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Blandmum · 23/02/2006 09:04

I'm like yu Batters, I watch it , horrified and transfixed, addicted to the shear awfulness of the kid's behaviour. I keep trying to persuade myself that all the graft now, naughty step pasta jar etc, will somehow keep it all away

I reality I know that most teenagers are just fine, but I still worry! I have worked with a few that would slip into Brat Camp just fine and I've met the parents too.....some of them are fantastic people who are at their wits end

OP posts:
batters · 23/02/2006 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveMyGirls · 23/02/2006 09:18

i think its about bringing them up with love and respect - respecting the fact that they are becoming an adult and its a confusing time for them.
i was a bit of a rebel and i know that i responded better to being asked what time i was coming home or asked where i was going in a casual way instead of my mum/ dad demanding to know, as sometimes i wasnt quite sure myself and now with mobile phones its easy enough to find out where they are or to ring if they are going to be late etc.
if i did something bad i expected to be told id disapointed them rather than being grounded. i hated to feel id let them down so this worked better.

also always set clear boundaries and be consistant the big thing with me was that i was allowed out til 10.30pm when i was 13 but as soon as i turned 16 my mum wanted me in by 8.30pm because i "could" be having sex! so just as my friends were starting to go out i had to be home, it made me very rebellious so i moved out and lived with my dad got a tattoo and had my belly button pierced and then ended up pregnant by the time i was almost 17.

now im a mum myself i can see where my parents went wrong and i hope i can do something about the way my kids turn out. (if not i will ride the storm and know that one day they will calm down and apreciate everything i did for them - i know as soon as my dd was born i was so sorry for all the grief i had given my parents while all they tried to do was love me)

FairyMum · 23/02/2006 09:25

They won't. They might become slightly bratish, but behaviour like you see on Brat Camp are are caused by growing up in dysfunctional settings. I have no idea how I will be as a mum to teenage children. I think I have been quite lucky so far with mine and will be very shocked if they develop into teenage brats. I guess I will come on MN and beg for advice when the time come. I don't want to think about it........

leogaela · 23/02/2006 09:25

Look at this differently, how many of you were teenage brats and have turned out OK? Think about why.

I haven't seen the program so I'm not sure how extreme these kids are, but I'm sure I could have been almost classified as a teenage brat. I lied to my parents constantly about where i was going (went to over 18s nightclub when I was 14), lied about where I was staying (often I didn't know before I went out and once had to hitch home at 2 in the morning!), smoked dope, retook first year of a'levels as I was bunking school so much, got drunk several times a week, had physical fights with my dad, was promiscuous, etc...
I wasn't happy at home which I think was a big problem, I was lucky to come out the other end safely. I think I came out OK because my parents values (maybe not quite the right word) were instilled in me and the teenage nightmare was just a phase.

The important thing that was really missing for me was parents that I could talk to and that could understand me and let me make my own decision without trying to force their opinions (eg. my mum was VERY anti sex before marriage, but I saw she had a very bad relationship with my dad so no sbm didn't do her any good) and also probably not enough attention when I was a young child. Those are the things I hope to give to my ds (and any other children that we have).

leogaela · 23/02/2006 09:27

Lovemygirls - crossed posts, you make the point better than I have !

spacedonkey · 23/02/2006 09:31

My dd (14) has been heading brat-campwards in recent months with several disappearances (police involved) and four suspensions from school.

I haven't been watching this series of Brat Camp, but I did notice in previous series that the family backgrounds of the kids were widely varied in terms of class, parenting styles, single/dual parent families and so on. There is no simplistic formula for producing a well-behaved teenager, and there is no such thing as "perfect" parenting which will result in a happy, respectful teenager when that time comes.

The modern world is complex, parenting is difficult, shit happens.

In our case, there has been a lot of turmoil, including an acrimonious marriage breakup, and I'm sure this has contributed to dd's behaviour in recent times. But equally, it's down to the personality and character of the teenager themselves, and the inner conflicts they experience as they develop. Children aren't a tabula rasa.

It's easy to demonise badly-behaved teenagers, but in my dd's case, along with all the crap she's put us through, an amazing, fantastic, funny, clever, complex adult is emerging who gives me as much joy as pain.

So there!

puddle · 23/02/2006 09:33

I was a bit of a rebel too but stopped going completely off the rails by the values my parents had instilled in me and the love and respect I had for them deep down. I think sometimes you do have to ride it out with teenagers, trusting that they will 'come back' and my parents certainly had a couple of bad years with me. Agree with Fairymum that the kids on Brat Camp do have big issues going on at home and - but always the parents fault though, just circumstances. .

puddle · 23/02/2006 09:34

sorry - 'but NOT always the parents fault, just circumstances'

3princesses · 23/02/2006 09:40

Well said spacedonkey. I was going to make the same point you only have to watch the girls on Brat Camp to see that personality is everything. I'm not denying that their home background has an influence, but it is the personality of the individual that makes them react to a situation in the way they do. I notice this all the time in my own 3 dds- -two of which are naturally sunny and positive, and one who is absolutely a 'glass half empty' kind of girl the one most likely to be heading out to Utah at sometime in the future...

tiredemma · 23/02/2006 09:42

a colleague from work had the research crew from 'Bratcamp' out at her house yesterday for the next series, her son is wild and they see this as the last resort.

zippitippitoes · 23/02/2006 09:42

for each of those on brat camp I think there are a whole lot more who find teenage years difficult regardless of how they have been brought up

puddle · 23/02/2006 09:43

What do you think has caused the problem with their son is emma?

Original poster
Blandmum · 23/02/2006 09:45

I would fully support the fact that it *isn't always poor parenting that is the issue. I have met lots of out of control kids who's siblings are quite 'normal'. That is part of what worries me if I am honest.

It is true that dysfuctional familes often have dysfunctional kids. But not all dysfuctional kids have poor parents, far from it.

OP posts:
tiredemma · 23/02/2006 09:47

the kids that he hangs around with, thats the impression that i get, he is a bit younger than them ( he is 15 ) and she knows that he smokes (cannabis), both her and her husband are at the end of their tether, and they are not soft touches, they really have lost control of him.

FairyMum · 23/02/2006 09:51

True true martianbishop, it isn't always the parents fault.

Enif · 23/02/2006 09:51

god knows what I would do. Send them to Brat camp I expect

One of my brothers is a brat - graduated from smoking many many spliffs a day to hanging with a very scary gang in North London and taking heroin. He lived at home all this time and treated my parents appallingly. Tbh because they were terrified of the truth they stuck their heads in the sand and didnt deal with it from the beginning, even when the warning signs started to show (eg being expelled from art college for dealing drugs). They just left it up to him to deal with. they were also petrified of anyone else finding out aobut his problems which meant that there was no way they were going to seek help. They were scared to exert any discipline over him at all - they were the same with my sister and me and my other brother but luckily we all had our own strong internal boundaries.

so i guess I will try and commmunicate as much as possible and never be scared to ask for help with my child if I think we might need it.

cod · 23/02/2006 09:52

Message withdrawn

Enif · 23/02/2006 09:53

oh and clearly having functional children is no indicator of good parenting - some of us do it ourselves without any parental input

cod · 23/02/2006 09:53

Message withdrawn

zippitippitoes · 23/02/2006 09:55

I think some of it is inner immaturity and lack of self confidence coupled with a desire to grow up quick

puddle · 23/02/2006 09:55

MB do you think that children from stable loving homes with good parents may go wild but will calm down eventually, if their parents continue to be there and support them? Compared with kids who don't have that kind of background who may end up in a downward spiral. I am making generalisations, based on my experiences as a teenager and the friends I had.

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