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Original poster

34 years of age - plenty of time or get a move on?

18 replies

emkana · 20/02/2006 22:16

I have a friend who's been in a disastrous on-off relationship with a total loser of a guy for over 10 years. Currently debating again whether to leave for good or give it another go. [sigh]
I don't know what to say to her when she tells me she is not worried about having children, as she feels there are plenty of examples of people who had children late, so she feels she'll be fine in that respect. Would you agree with her there or would you think it a good idea to encourage her to be concerned about the time left to her to have a family? (I know she would be devastated if she ended up childless in 10 years' time.)

OP posts:

alexsmum · 20/02/2006 22:18

if they've been together 10 years and its not going anywhere, she should get out. he's not going to change after all this time.

Hattie05 · 20/02/2006 22:20

Personally i wouldn't dream of encouraging her to be concerned. (she's probably already concerned enough).

Sometimes life doesn't pan out the way we expect, but shes not exactly in control of that. Most important factor when planning children is that you have a happy environment for them to be brought up in. If she's not sure she's got that then i don't think its fair to pressurise her into changing it.

brimfull · 20/02/2006 22:20

can't see why she'd want a child with a loser purely because time was running out.

get out know i'd say

lalaa · 20/02/2006 22:20

i'm 34 and i was diagnosed with cancer last year. if i hadn't had my daughter before now, i would have left it too late. apart from the having a child debate, doesn't she want to have a life?

Original poster

emkana · 20/02/2006 22:22

Just to clarify: I certainly don't want to encourage her to start a family with him just to have children. On the contrary, I would love her to get a move on with finally finishing with this guy, so she can find somebody decent to possibly have children with! At the moment though she seems to feel that she can dither and still spend time with him as there's plenty of time.

OP posts:

Hattie05 · 20/02/2006 22:25

Yes thats the way i interpretted your post emkana. But i still think i wouldn't go there. If she really knew it was the end, she'd make it the end wouldn't she.

I'm a believer in things happening when they are supposed to. Life isn't as simple as dumping one man and immediately finding another. Who knows? She may find Mr Perfect whilst she is still with her man, and that could give her the strength to end the relationship.

I just think by trying to encourage her, could make her feel more down than she possibly already does (obviously i don't know if she is down but ykwim! )

Caligula · 20/02/2006 22:28

Is your friend an ostrich? I'd go against the grain here and say that as a friend, I would definitely tell her she has to make a choice now. If it doesn't work out with him, it might take her 3 or 4 years to find someone else. So 38 for her first baby and yes there are loads of people who've had babies late, but there are loads more who have had problems having them. Fertility plummets after 38, and a few exceptions don't change the statistical reality.

RedZuleika · 20/02/2006 22:28

Aside from this bloke's worth, I personally would say that time was pressing. Yes, there are many cases of women having children into their early 40s - but what happens if you have some problem with prevents your getting pregnant? Or causes recurrent miscarriage? I have a clotting disorder which causes the latter and it's quite easily diagnosed and treated - but the NHS criteria for diagnosis / treatment are that you have three miscarriages. I managed this in a very short space of time, but if it takes you several months to conceive (still within normal NHS guidelines) and then you lose it... and then you've got to try again... which takes several months... and all the time your fertility is diminishing.

Sorry - not to labour the point, but that's my reasoning for starting earlier in my 30s (particularly knowing that I come from a family of bad breeders )

Aside from which - 10 years???

Original poster

emkana · 20/02/2006 22:31

Yes, 10 years - sometimes I just want to shout at her "FFS you're wasting your life away here"
I think part of the problem is that she feels she has invested so much time in him that it feels even worse to give up on him now - 10 years down the drain

OP posts:

Caligula · 20/02/2006 22:34

That's the tragedy of the extended courtship process for women. It's like throwing good money after bad isn't it, staying with a useless man because you've invested your youth in him.

I've done it myself so I understand what her logic is. But i'd like to shake her.

Original poster

emkana · 20/02/2006 22:35

What made you get out, caligula?

OP posts:

Caligula · 20/02/2006 22:42

The realisation that it was never going to change.

A lot of "crunch" decisions needing to be made all at the same time

DS was 2, it was time to start thinking about baby number 2, but how could I have another baby with this loony?
We were supposed to get married that year, but how could I marry this loony?
I was supposed to be buying a house in London, the mortgage of which I realised was always going to be my burden, never his or ours.
the realisation that I had just had the same conversation about our future, that I'd had 3 years before, and the certain knowledge that if I stayed, I would be having exactly the same type of conversations 5, 10, 20 years down the line.
the realisation that I was the only one trying to make the relationship work. He was just going along with me.

All of these things came together at more or less the same time in about 3 months, and it was decision time. I've never regretted it (though I'm glad I sneaked my DD in - had we split up 6 weeks earlier there would have been no her).

Original poster

emkana · 20/02/2006 22:44

Well done you, caligula!

God how I wish my friend would finally see sense...
am getting extremely tired of having the same conversations with her over and over and over again!

OP posts:

Caligula · 20/02/2006 22:46

I sometimes wish some of my friends had said to me earlier "this bloke is not good husband material, get out".

But otoh, I don't know if I would have listened to them. If she's got doubts, her friend's bad opinion of the guy may spur her to dump him. otoh, it may just isolate her from her friends. Really difficult one.

Original poster

emkana · 20/02/2006 22:49

She knows very well that I don't think she has a future with him, but she has rose-tinted glasses on when it comes to him, in spite of everything she still thinks he is so attractive and intelligent and that no other man can measure up to him.
I despair, I really do.
Just really don't look forward to the day when she realizes she has missed the boat .

OP posts:

Caligula · 20/02/2006 22:58

It's very sad. I have a friend like that who is 40 this year and still single and childless, because she spent all her mid to late twenties and early to mid thirties with a time-waster. She's just broken-hearted, she really wanted to be a mother by the time she was in her mid thirties. And it looks like it'll never happen for her now.

Women just can't afford to have their time wasted like this.

cece · 20/02/2006 23:10

It sounds like she should leave him - if it hasn't worked now, whyu will it in the future especially if they have kids?

34 is a time when you should think about having your first. I had my first at that age and second at 37. So having more than one or two is quite tricky unless you have small gaps.

expatinscotland · 20/02/2006 23:14

34? i'd bail. sorry, it took me six months to conceive dd2 at 34. imagine if we'd have had fertility problems?

sure, plenty of people fall pregnant later than that and do fine. but plenty of people also have BIG problems. and you can't argue w/the fact that fertility does start to drop off w/age and the potential for complications during pregnancy and some disabilities does increase.

besides, question of kids aside, she's been on and off for 10 years?! and is 34? and he's a loser? time to grow up and move on.

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