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Original poster

What do you do when a friends kid is getting on your nerves?

51 replies

changednameforthis · 18/02/2006 17:54

As its happening to me right now and im not sure what to do.
Completely trashes the place without actually playing with anything, hes 5, emptys boxes and tips out but does nothign with the contents, just moves on to the next stuff.
Roots through drawers looking for things without a thought to whether he should be or not.
On way out the door always seems to have something of my kids to borrow like we are a lending library.
When given juice/crisps/food/pressie never says Thanks, always moans and wants more or different colour/size/packet.
What can I do to minimise the irritation.
Have started to rearrange my house so things are less accessable but he will pull up a stool to reach etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
changednameforthis · 18/02/2006 18:45

Likes xbox, playstation etc buts gets bored with games and swops every 4.5 mins without putting the poxy games away.
I have now moved those out of reach.
Doesnt have any fav anythings actually no.
Its my best friends ds. I cant not see her/him.
Cant wait till summer to throw them outside

OP posts:
messagedeleted · 18/02/2006 18:45

lol
no mongrels then

Twiglett · 18/02/2006 18:46

if she's your best friend ... tell her

jowen · 18/02/2006 18:47

I find jolly but very forceful works.

I have a friend like this, who doesn't enforce good behavior from her child at my house but does everywhere else! Her child (aged 4) runs riot, tips things everywhere and is very very bossy, but isn't actually naughty. He will do as he is told, but just doesn't get told by his mum.

So I find, insisting on blanket rules like "In this house we all have to tidy up before lunch/before we leave/when the floor is too messy to play" works well amd avoids giving offense, as mum will usually remember her own manners then and jump in to reinforce me.

Also, I think some children are exhausting, I find this with my friend's 4 year old, and I think sometimes she is so tired she figures if I care that much, I will tell him off, and she doesn't care if I do because she trusts me to be fair, IYSWIM.

Original poster
changednameforthis · 18/02/2006 18:47

She knows, she knows how irritating he is in her own/her relatives house.
She chooses to be very quiet about it here

OP posts:
Original poster
changednameforthis · 18/02/2006 18:48

I think I have been jolly/forceful in the past, but its met with No, Dont want to, why should I...so am now just

OP posts:
muma3 · 18/02/2006 19:08

omg - i have excatly the same problem with my best friends little girls (7 and 5 )
they are here normally with their mum (my friend0 but she has lost control completely of them . i am forever telling them off but to no avail. i feel really sorry for her but more so for the girls as they are completely spoilt.
they wreck my dd's bedroom, break or lose nearly everything. never ever tidy up after themselves. and as my 2 dd's play with them too, when they leave my 2 dd's have to tidy up all the mess. i do help them because they get so upset that their room is a mess . its even worse when my children arent here and they come home to find that my friends children ahve been round and the bedroom has been completey trashed . i can tidy it up but my oldest dd who is 8y always knows whaen someone else has been in her room because nothing is where she left it .

when it comes to lunch etc they never want what i offer and if they do they always ask for more and more .

they always tell me "no" when asked to tidy and talk to their own mum like poo .
i have spoken to her about it and is under no impression they are little angels but she cant control them either . its a night mare.
one time they stayed with out their mum and kept my 2 dd's up so i shouted at them . they carried on untill they woke dd3 up , then i lost it and made them get out of bed .
horrible i know but i took them into the kitchen and said if you keep playing up and waking my children up then i will put you on the balcony !!!! drastic measures where needed . they went back to bed and went straight to sleep !!!. i told my friend and she was fine with it .
the thing is is that they love to come round no matter how strict i am or how much i tell them off or shout they always give me cuddles and kisses and tell me how much they love me?????????

i think they respect the discipline which they just dont get off my friend.

hth

jowen · 18/02/2006 19:13

Then be blunt. say, clearly, "Oh dear, if you aren't going to be good, you will have to go home! You are being too naughty to stay for tea/ to play!" In full view and earshot of his mum. That should make it clear that if she doesn't make him comply, her nice day is over!

fennel · 18/02/2006 19:38

we get this all the time with my neice, who's 3, and is round most days. her parents (who i do like a lot) don't really believe in saying no to children and don't like us to tell her off. which drives us crazy, she behaves rather like the OP's visiting child.

have instigated HUGE list of House Rules. written and pinned on the wall. now my girls remind visiting children constantly what is and is not acceptable. it works quite well.

"Well, in OUR house you have to do.... "

bobbybobbobbingalong · 18/02/2006 19:41

Can't you organise to see your friend for a drink at night, or while they are at school or something. I can't see you being friends for much longer if her ds keeps up like this.

How do your children feel about him?

Original poster
changednameforthis · 18/02/2006 19:53

My kids kick up a fuss knowing hes coming and I will remove boxfuls of stuff out of the way into my room but even so the mess left behind is more than 2 weeks worth of not tidying up my kids mess
They try and monitor him and grass him up all the time, to which she tells them all to not be tell tale tits...but in her house him name would be roared and he would have to tidy up..
...the more I write the more something really needs to be said becomes apparent.

OP posts:
jowen · 19/02/2006 00:00

Announce on their arrival, to all the kids - "Right, I have just cleaned this house from top to bottom, that is the way it is going to stay. I will shout at anyone who doesn't tidy up the mess they make, so don't make any!"

If your friend objects, just say you think it is quite reasonable to want a house to stay tidy once you have tidied it, and to ask that a child picks up his own mess. If she objects that much to you threatening to shout, she'll leave before he manages to make a mess!

LoveMyGirls · 19/02/2006 11:22

i would just tell her, best friends can overcome anything just make sure you point out its the mess you dont like not the child!
or you could take matters into your own hands and make him tidy up.

when my bf's son comes round and i give him anything to eat i make sure he has it in a bowl at the table and i wipe his hands and face when finished as food mess really winds me up (which bf knows) i just treat him the same as my kids if bf didnt like it she wouldnt come round or would say something.

tigermoth · 19/02/2006 17:14

This child's trail of chaos is really winding you up, I can see. Any good locking doors to certain rooms? Any good telling the children that all toys must be kept with one room?

It seems there's a huge, huge gulf of difference between the mess that your children create and the mess this child creates. To be honest, I have never come across this before - normally my children make about the same mess (or a bit more) than other children we have round. I expect the house to need tidying up once guests have gone and expect some toys to be strewn around. The more children and the longer they are here, the more mess is left afterwards IME

What happens when other children come round to play with your children - is the level of mess really that much less?

bossykate · 19/02/2006 17:32

i agree, tigermoth. i thought hideous amounts of toy mess were par for the course on playdates, no matter whose house you're in. i don't let visiting children play upstairs though - this is after one experience where all the clothes were taken out of the drawers and thrown around, grrr!

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 19/02/2006 17:42

declare tidy up time. loudly and clearly. make it an activity with a point "right drink and biscuits all round when everything is tidy". No tidying = no biscuits. unless the mum is a total muppet she should join in too (with cajoling if not tidying)

OzJo · 20/02/2006 06:00

Bite the bullet and talk to your friend about it, you have to or you'll end up really losing it with the child. The boy will keep on doing it for as long as he can get away with it, and is probably relishing being able to do it at yours because he can't do it at home. Be really clear with your friend that you'll be imposing limits, work out what those will be. Your mate probably won't get shirty about it as she hasn't a leg to stand on. Say something as it's really not worth the anxiety it's causing you.
Good luck.

whatsmyname · 20/02/2006 17:15

I'm in same position and I'm afraid I now always suggest we meet up outside the house or at her's. I think best friend knows why but we've both ducked saying anything. I think this is for the best to be honest. Her friendship is really important to me and I would find it hard to forgive someone saying openly that my child was such a menace that they didn't want him to visit. On the other hand, I think the silent message has gone through. I think she knows he has to be brought back into line if we are going to meet up in any comfort in future!

tweeni · 20/02/2006 21:31

as soon as play date begins you should tell all the children that they must put away one toy before getting out another - after all they can't play with 2 toys at once can they?
then if your friends ds doesn't put away something you can say do you remember what i said about putting away one toy before getting out another?if you don't put it away the other toy doesn't come out. that way you aren't exactly telling him off as such, the rules have already been made known and you are just reminding him of them.
And when offering food/drinks say we have this or this and that's it. if you don't want either that's fine as well but there's nothing else.

flashingnose · 20/02/2006 21:52

tigermoth/bk - have you never come across a "tipper"?? A child who empties every single box and drawer and doesn't play with any of it? Lucky you - they're a nightmare when they come to play.

bossykate · 20/02/2006 22:01

flashingnose, er, yes i have, in fact, all the time - i thought it was normal!

in fact, many's the time i've thought of starting a thread about playdates and the mayhem of them... i just thought other parents must be much more laid back (highly likely)

fastasleep · 20/02/2006 22:09

Everyone knows you just thwack em with a broom. Eh cod?

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 21/02/2006 00:33

my dds are tippers (kind of) - but they only do it at home and only when friends come round. It's actually a game - usually going on holiday or making a house udner the stairs or in teh play tent - all of which require whole shelves of books, whole boxes of teddies and every jigsaw puzzle they own. I actually don;t mind cos it keeps them amused for eons and because they have to clear it up at the end. maybe it doesn't count as tipping.

goreousgirl · 21/02/2006 13:33

How about. Whoever tidies up the most gets this (one) delicious sweetie...rots their teeth - but often works a treat (you can always find a sticky/furry one in your pocket for the visiting demon if he doesn't pull his weight!!

flashingnose · 21/02/2006 13:45

Just to clarify, tippers are kids who don't play with any of the toys they tip out, not kids who play with them, but messily .