my mother's treatment of my nephew - long sorry

[wannaBe1974]

Not quite sure where to start on this.

My sister?s DS is 2.5. He spends a lot of his time in nursery as she works full-time, and spends a lot of time with my mother ? she regularly collects him from nursery so my sister can work late, often has him on weekends so that my sister and her DH can go shopping, clean her house etc, it would almost be fair to say that his time is spent 50-50 between his house and my mother?s house.

He?s a tipicle two-year-old, has his moments of course but is generally a lovely little boy, is generally quite advanced for his age. What bothers me is the way my mother treats him. This is kind of two-fold so please bear with me.

Generally, she treats him like a complete baby. He is not allowed to:

Climb the stairs on his own ? he is carried upstairs ?he might fall?
Not allowed to walk from the house to the car ? he is carried
Not allowed to walk from the car to nursery or back ? he is carried from the car right to the arms of the nursery assistant and back to the car when collected
Not allowed to play on slides, climbing frames, or any other toys in the park without assistance. He is lifted up on to the slide, and held as he slides down ?just in case he falls?.
Not ever disciplined by my mother ?he?s too young to understand, he?s just a baby?.

If he and my DS (3.3) play together my DS is constantly told to ?be careful, he?s only little?, DN is taller than DS and much more robust (he?s been in nursery since he was 6 months old so I have no doubt that he can stand his ground) and they are never aggressive with each other anyway.

And yet on the other side of the coin, she puts him down constantly.

If you let him go in a park or anywhere, he will run away, basically because he?s never been given the freedom by her to walk/run anywhere on his own, in her opinion he is ?a little shit and can?t be trusted to be let go anywhere!? I offered to have him for afternoons after my sister has her baby and goes back to work to help save her a bit of money on nursery fees, and was told that ?you?ll never be able to cope with him, he just refuses to walk anywhere?. (I don?t drive so walk everywhere), to which I replied that this will be in about a year from now by which time he will be 3.5 and will be able to be reasoned with? To which she responded ?can?t see it happening?. He is not yet potty trained, my sister has tried on two occasions and has given up, well fair enough it doesn?t always work out first time if the little one isn?t ready but the way my mother views it is ?oh he just doesn?t even have an inklin of what the potty is for! She?s going to have two in nappies ? nightmare!? When I pointed out that there?s still time till the baby arrives and that DN will be nearly three by then and maybe ready, she said ?oh you think he?s just suddenly going to get it do you? Can?t see it somehow!?

I have concerns for this little boy. If it was just granny being like that then I would say that she?s just being a silly cow and would ignore it, but for someone who plays such a large part in his care I really think that this kind of constant treatment/put down could affect his confidence/development. Also, my other concern is that when my sister?s new baby arrives, DN won?t be the baby any more and will constantly then be told to ?mind the baby?, ?shhhh the baby is sleeping?, etc. The same happened to my DS in a way ? he was cute and lovely and the baby until DN came along and then at 8 months old was expected to be quiet because ?the baby is sleeping?. I think it will be doubly bad if the baby is a girl as DM never really liked little boys anyway and "wouldn't it be lovely to have a girl" (anyone would think it was her expecting the baby).

I just feel so bad for this little boy, and don?t know what to do if anything

Have you mentioned your concerns to your sister?

It sounds like your DM likes to play the martyr a bit but you are right it is not doing your nephew any good.

Nothing to suggest though I'm afraid.

oh wannabe, I can see why you're concerned.

Does your sister know what your mum is like with him? How does she treat your nephew herself?

I have to say that even before I got to your penultimate paragraph, I did wonder if it was a "boy" thing. Do you have brothers or is this your mum's first experience of looking after a little boy?

talk to your sister.
tell her to do her grocery shopping online. or take the child with her.or send her dp.
let him help clean up. or live in a mess.
stop relying on her mom to bring up her kid.

yes agree talk to your sister, but back up your concerns with faithful promises to help.

Your mum sounds very controlling and I agree it's going to be one hell of a kick in the teeth for DN when the baby comes along.

Good luck and keep us posted

At least if he's in nursery some of the time, he will get treated normally there. IMO it is very difficult to change the behaviour of members of your family, but children are more resilient than we sometimes give them credit for. My DH's cousin was wrapped in cotton wool by mad parents but grew up outgoing and perfectly normal. Just carry on treating him as you are to help offset the madness....

Miaou funny that you should mention that it's the boy thing - there's only me and my sister so my mum isn't used to looking after boys. When we were little I had boy cousins and my mum always said that she never really took to them and couldn't understand why, until my auntie had a little girl and my mum loved her and then she said "I think I just don't like little boys!" Now she has two grandsons and she loves them of course but I have no doubt in my mind that if my sister has a DD this time round then she will be absolutely ruined and the boys will be sidelined.

My sister has never said anything about the way my mum treats her DS, she does raise her eyebrows if she shouts at him and my mum picks him up and cuddles him, but she's never said anything, partly I though though because my mum gets very defensive if you question her way of doing things (it's either her way or it's wrong), so my sister doesn't like to rock the boat. Also she already had planned out when she was pg with her DS how often my mum was going to be looking after him, how she couldn't wait to give him to my mum to look after etc and that was before he was even born. So I think that she's actually more than happy for my mum to be bringing up her child.

He's perfectly well behaved at nursery although nursery staff have raised with my sister the fact that her DS seems always to be testing the boundaries most on a monday when he's been home at the weekend.