Aargh!

[swedishmum]

Hi
Need to moan before I can sleep.

Mum died on Wednesday. I'm an only child and feeling out of the loop - they were both quite religious and it feels everything is being organised without my input. Fair enough. But dad asked if my baby's ashes could be spread with mum's. Didn't like mum much and she certainly didn't approve of me - I don't do church and she was such a bigot (one of my main gripes with Christianity is double standards). I feel like the worst daughter i the world. Also feel I have to get on with my life now mum has gone. Big long waffle I know. Why do we set up people as fantastic examples of Christianity when basically they were not terribly nice to their families and others? Any Christians please do not be offended - this is just my experience as a vicar's daughter.

PS Baby died at 24 hours 10 years ago leaving her twin. I still have her tiny ashes in my safe - my most treasured possession. Not sure if I'm ready to give them up to my mother.

Give you dad some ashes from the hearth

He will never know and you will be making him happy. As you know much of Christian ritual is symoblic and totemic, so as long as he gets some ashes given willingly he won't be any the wiser.

FWIW I think you should do what you want to do with your baby's ashes.

and if he wants the recepticle (sp) in which you keep your child's ashes, tell him that is something you still want to hang on to

Hope you don't think this is too weird or ghoulish, but it's just what occured to me.

I think you will regret it if you do give them to him. Could you tell him you scattered them 5 years ago in a special place?

Agree with Suzy- you need to do what you want with your baby's ashes.

It sounds to me like you need to do something special with dd's ashes that will remind you of her and only her. I'm sure your dad will understand that you want a special place that is only for your dd. Perhaps he thinks he is helping you by finding a solution to your problem, maybe he thinks you will like the idea of your dd being looked after by your mum. Just explain to him that you need to grieve separately for your mum and for your dd and would like them to be in separate places. Surely he will understand you needing to be in control of your own loss.

Thank you - I know I'll regret it if I go along with dad's idea. Had thought about finding some other ashes but I think I'll just have to be honest. Dad's much more religious than me but my parents have always been detached and unemotional.

You must keep your DDs ashes and do what you want with them, dont be bullied into anything, I dont think your dad should of even asked you to do that.