shyness as an adult

[miggy]

KS' thread on pod people and boring coffee mornings has really made me think about this. Didnt want to hijack her thread so here goes. I have a job that involves meeting people/ talking about intimate things with them/ helping them with grief etc and I can do all that for total strangers-no problem. What I find really hard is going up to people at the school gate and chatting unless I know them really well, especially if they are in a group talking. What I find almost impossible is walking into a coffee morning where I dont know anyone well. Have cried off 2 xmas school things because I dont really know anyone well and cant bear the thought of walking into the restaurant etc. I really want to go and know thats the only way to do it, just cant. Reception class had coffee morning at school few weeks ago and I got to the door and nearly turned round and went home, but didnt. Am I the only idiot here or do other people have this problem and what do you do about it?

You aren't alone. I've always worked in retail - I've never had a problem dealing with complete strangers when its work related, but yes, social situations are a nightmare. I'm always very envious of people who can just chat to people, and can always find something to say!!

I travel a good 4/5 miles to go to the toddler group I go to because one of my oldest friend attends and I could only face going if there was one face I knew. Even after 2 years of going I find it hard to go there if shes not going to be there.

Maybe thats an advantage to the MN met ups, you can chat before you meet. I'm going to my first on friday and I'm bricking it already but I think the only thing you can do is just dive in and do it.

Or get really drunk first.

Or have a baby (thats worked for me - loads of people at school just come up to me now, so I feel more comfortable saying hi - bit drastic though.......)

Or just give up and cultivate the deep and mysterious persona.

love the toddler group thing- that would be me too!
Dont really fancy the baby idea, just got the last one to school.
The drinking one works at the time but then you feel worse afterwards because you are so embarrased at what you might have said, that you can never look anyone in the eye again!
Good luck at the Meetup

Should just add that I've never tried the drinking thing before a school coffee morning

miggy - I felt like this too and I am usually ok with meeting new people but with a mum/toddler group I felt intimidated, no idea why.

I found it really hard for about a month but persevered with trying to remember names and nattering about nothing each week and now feel a lot more confident. Even had a 'mothers meeting' the other day at someones house with wine and nibbles and feel like I eventually making new friends (I moved recently and live in new area).

I found that sitting near people worked as they would involve you in the conversation, maybe next time at the school gates you could stand near some mums, and see how it goes.

I'm shy tooo....and can relate to you all...
I'm so shy that I don't post on mumsnet much either. I log on most days and read all the active conversations, but find it hard to post - others have already said it so much better, and seem to "know" each other and banter together so well.....
saying that, I have posted 5 times today - a record for me!!

I used to be shy, admittedly when I was a teenager. I always thought I was just a natural introvert, but it turns out I'm not!

I think the only way to get over shyness is to force yourself to interact socially. Start with just smiling and saying "hello" to faces you recognise in the playground. Unless the person is a bit odd/a meany, they will smile back and you find that it gives you more confidence to continue doing it. In fact, just smiling works - smiling is infectious and people will appreciate it even if it's on a subconscious level, I think.

When you feel confident enough you might progress to comments about the weather etc.

Alternatively you could try the "deep end" approach. Go to the xmas school things and smile like a cheshire cat. (also here you need to watch your posture a bit. Be aware particularly of "barriers" - where you fold your arms accross your chest - as it makes you look less approachable). Once you start talking to one person, it just becomes easier and easier.

It is hard though, I know. I'm going through it all again now as I live in Spain and find making small talk in Spanish really hard (partly because I'm not quite fluent). Commenting on other people's babies is about as much as I can do so far!

I think everyone struggles with this to some extent.

I recently started going to a toddler group (motivation - its winter, wet and rainy and something to keep dd occupied) and didn't know a soul. Really had to talk myself into going along and was apprehensive about it..however, IME if you steel yourself and force yourself to go up and talk to someone in this sort of situation(at toddler groups / at the school gates etc), its very rare indeed to be cold shouldered or rebuffed. Everybody responds - albeit some more warmly and openly than others.

I've been to the toddler group x3 now, and already its much easier to walk in and chat to some of the other mums

I'm shy too. I find it helps to admit it - at a new toddler group I pick someone who looks friendly and go over and say "Hello, I don't know anyone and I'm really shy" - with a bit of luck they introduce you to all their friends and they all make a big effort to talk to you.

The other thing is to have conversation-starting questions at the ready - where do you live, what's your child's name, do you have a non-mummy-job etc. Then pick someone else who is on their own and wade in (sometimes I pretend I am acting a stage role - "person who is not shy" ). Probably the other person is shy too and will be grateful!

And the really important thing is to remember their names so you don't feel embarassed next time you come!

can relate so much. I think I have low self esteem and I blush alot and I hate it. Even at weightwatchers meetings I feel myself blushing before the leader has even asked me anything. And yet on the other hand I can be quite confident with strangers like you say - weird isnt it. I just have to make myself talk to people.

these are great tips arent they - lots of pople at school who I thought were really snooty/hard ended uo being really nice, butheir shy ness made them look like they didnt want to talk..agree about lurking near nice people or asking them qs about their kids - or paying compliments - I often do that..

really everyone is shy - even me sometimes!

ps go sonnet, go sonnet

sonnet dont be shy about posting on mumsnet - Im not and I type drivel

fio - me too!

I find you both funny.. happier Lucy?

Thanx for the vote of confidence - will post, post, post!!