Feeling singled out...

[reay2010]

Hi, I'm a forces wife and have found that regardless of what baby groups i go to whether its forces ones, or local ones i get singled out. I tend to find with the FW's ones i'm the youngest (as im only 20 - married to a RNP- and have a 2 year old DD) I feel like they will chat to me but wont socialise with me the majority of the FW are 30+, so should i be singled out purely because i'm that much younger?... no!!

now with the local baby groups i find that i fit in until the question is brought up about being married/what my husband works as, as soon as i tell them, i'm yet again singled out because none of them are married to anyone in the forces, most of them are just bf/gf or single parents.

I find it so difficult to make friends because i'm scrutinised for what my husband works as, I'm a very proud RNW and have no issues telling people. It's got to the point where i now give up trying to make friends, which makes me feel even worse. But then it's like... why bother if i get the same reaction everytime?

I'd just like for people to socalise with me because they like me and my daughter and not single me out because i'm too young/married/RNW. Just really irrates me!

I know you are proud of your husband's job but it does come across as though you define yourself by it and that may seem a little strange and off putting to some. What your husband does isn't strictly relevant to a morning of biscuits and toddler chasing - do the other mums talk about their husbands / partners occupations at all?

Other fw might just be put off by the age gap and automatically think you have nothing in common - I think that happened to me at some groups and I was 25 having my first! It's just a matter of communication, going every week and trying to have conversations, even just saying hello, asking after the children etc and gradually building up a friendship. Toddler groups are hard work though - you have my sympathy!

In answer to your question - yes some of the other mums talk about their husbands/partners occupations and I can understand your opinion,i vary rarely bring it up in conversation i only ever tell people when i'm asked.

may i ask what you mean by i define myself by my husbands job?

I just picked up on the fact that you described yourself first and foremost as a "forces wife" and said that you "have no issues telling people" which I presumed to mean you speak about it a lot. Apologies if I've got that wrong. My dad is in the RAF so I know that might just be the lingo but my mum wouldn't necessarily go to a group and talk about her husband's work, she'd speak more about her own work or her children or anything, really.

Why do you feel singled out because of what he does? Do you live on or near camp or the RN equivalent? If so I expect it's quite a common occupation where you are based and wouldn't think this is why you are finding it hard to fit in?

Oh right, i understand! I apprieciate your opinion. What i meant by 'have no issues telling people' is that i know and understand people have different views on the forces and the jobs they do but i'm not worried about telling people incase they are one of the ones that don't support them, It's his job not mine so it's his choice of occupation. I hardly talk about my husband tbh, i tend to say little about myself at first & usually ask people about themselves &/ children so that i don't come across as 'its all about me' kind of thing.

Yes i live a few minutes from the camp. It sounds silly but i find that alot of the wives are a bit... snobby to put it frankly. Dont get me wrong there's a couple i chat to all the time i bump into them or see them around, but the majority sort of have a 'group' i think it's mainly where they live on the patch and i dont. I dont know!

See that's what i thought when i went to groups at local centres and stuff but some of the workers have said they don't often get families from the camp come to the centres - which i personally thought was odd as they are quite close.

Maybe i'm just socially awkward / give off the wrong impression / something?!

Forgot to mention there is a section on here for service families which might be useful for you to have a look at if you haven't already seen it. Maybe someone else has been through similar?

oh right, didn't realise that. I will have a look, Thank you.

I see what you mean now! It's horrible to feel excluded and it's probably nothing that you are doing.

I was married young and as I said had children fairly young too and felt "judged" - no idea why, all my own issues I expect but I did find it hard to rub along with mothers who were always exaggeratedly surprised at my age. Some people live to make others uncomfortable, others are probably shy/awkward themselves and don't realise they are doing it.

Putting a group of women with only one thing in common (the fact that they have children) in a room together is never going to end well IMO!

haha that made me chuckle a bit! I totally agree. Thank you again for your opinion. :)