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Original poster

Mother in law has really pissed me off! Vent needed.

74 replies

mrsmplus3 · 14/03/2012 18:08

My husband and I have said for years that we don't really want the kids getting lots of sweets on a regular basis. This has always been ignored by my pils but because they watch our son once a week and because in general they are good parents/grandparents we always let it go. However, the dentist recently said the kids were beginning to show signs of early decay due to too many sweets and so we've said, in the nicest possible way, that buying them sweets all the time has to stop but they can have a treat after dinner on the weekends. Well today I came in from work and mil had bought kids 2 packets of sweets each! I can't believe it. I'm so pissed off. Why is she deliberately ignoring us/me? The kids were so excited but I had to say no, you can save them for the weekend. There were a few tears but then they were fine but it shouldn't even have been an issue. This has happened for years on and off but this has finally made me want to take a step back and not do all the nice extra things i do like have her over for dinner, get the kids to phone her with good news etc etc. I feel very sidelined, undermined and disrespected. I actually can't wait til my youngest is in school so I don't need to put up with her in my house anymore. Rant over for now. Any positive feedback/criticism appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsmplus3 · 14/03/2012 20:38

Northern.... I have no words for you. You seem very bitter. And the money thing? That sounds more like your issue. If my mil ever complains about watching my kid once a week I'll let you know. And it's not really free. We treat her often as a thank you.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 14/03/2012 20:41

Not my issue. I don't use my pil as free childcare and then bitch about them behind their backs about their behaviour.

Original poster
mrsmplus3 · 14/03/2012 20:43

Plus northern, I meant to say, you keep missing the point. IT'S NOT ABOUT THE SWEETS, IT'S ABOUT BEING RESPECTFUL. I'm all for respecting your elders but I'm early thirties and have been in the family for ten years. Surely I've earned some respect by now?

OP posts:
FishfingersAreOK · 14/03/2012 20:51

What does your DH say about it?

Northernlurker · 14/03/2012 20:52

Look your mil does NOT understand why buying sweets is harming your dcs (I sympathise with her). She doesn't get it. Possibly because you've demanded she respect your rights as the MOTHER and since she gave birth to the child's father she's struggling to see why you as a mother trump her as a mother. Tbh when people start demanding I respect them I automatically lose all respect for them that I might have had. But I'm awkward like that.

Chewbecca · 14/03/2012 20:53

Mrsm, I really do sympathise with you as my mil tends to do her own thing regardless and it used to drive me nuts.
However, I have forced myself to accept the differences. She is not disrespecting me, she is of a different generation and is simply doing what comes naturally to her.
I do think if you use family for childcare you have to accept that you don't have the same level of control as you would over paid childcare.
If you can accept losing a bit of the control and that various things don't get done quite your way when you are not there I think you might find that it is not so bad, it can be quite liberating to stop worrying.

leftwingharpie · 14/03/2012 20:58

I got the impression that the "free childcare" was an arrangement the GP wanted as much if not more than the OP.

leftwingharpie · 14/03/2012 21:01

Chewbecca that wasn't a reply to you, I xposted. Good points you make.

Original poster
mrsmplus3 · 14/03/2012 21:05

Chewbecca, I know what you mean. It is liberating to let go of control. We've actually got on very well for about 3 years now (we had a tough time when babies were born) because I made a conscious effort to accept her ways, knowing her intentions were good. This is why it's even more hurtful that despite me being so easy going in recent years she can still dismiss me so easily.
Anyway....

OP posts:
ohdearwhatdoidonow · 14/03/2012 21:07

Oooooo at the free bloody childcare! It's what most families do! And most families don't expect to be repaid with never ending gratitude.

hugglymugly · 14/03/2012 21:07

Northernlurker - I'm confused by your attitude. This isn't about free childcare, it's about disrespectful childcare. It isn't about money, it's about children's health and about respect for the children's mother.

Original poster
mrsmplus3 · 14/03/2012 21:09

Left wing- gp definitely wants the arrangement more than I do, believe me! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsmplus3 · 14/03/2012 21:11

Northern- I don't demand she respects me, who walks about demanding respect, that would be weird. But she should give me it as a human being, never mind a good dil, wife to her son, mother to her grandchildren. Come on!

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 14/03/2012 22:03

And where is your respect for her - as a loving and generous mother and grandmother? No where at all. You just accuse of her harming her grandchildren and then fume about how you will cut her out of their lives. That's really not very nice.
You've picked a really small thing to make a fuss over. Seriously - 'I refuse to ask my mil over to lunch or encourage the dcs to speak to her on the phone because she bought them some smarties'. Does that seem proportionate to you because it seems absurd to me.

Original poster
mrsmplus3 · 14/03/2012 23:02

Northern- I think you're on the wrong thread. You're really making stuff up now. None of what you just said there is true. You are making stuff up. Cut out if life bla bla bla none of that had been said, you need to calm down. This is not about you. AND you have failed to see all the good in my relationship with my mil. You're actually making me protective of us both so re read the whole thread and then buzz off. Good night.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 14/03/2012 23:30

OP - you said:
'this has finally made me want to take a step back and not do all the nice extra things i do like have her over for dinner, get the kids to phone her with good news etc etc. I feel very sidelined, undermined and disrespected. I actually can't wait til my youngest is in school so I don't need to put up with her in my house anymore'

and

'The phone call thing- my kid got a sticker the other day and I suggested they phone grannie and tell her why. She loves stuff like that. But if she can't appreciate what a good dil I am, or even just appreciate it enough to show me some respect infront of the kids then I am not going to go out my way for her just now. No way'

I think YOU need to re-read the thread. Of course I haven't seen the good in your relationship. You've chosen not to portray it. If you're re-thinking your stance then good for you.

cornsilkidy · 15/03/2012 16:18

no most families don't provide free childcare actually

Original poster
mrsmplus3 · 15/03/2012 17:07

Thank you for fixing your quotes on me northern, the ones before were rather over the top and inaccurate versions of what I really said.

Anyway, speaking of over the top, can I ask you why you're reaction to this thread has been so aggressive/passionate/defensive?

What's your situation with regards to mils/dils? Which are you?

And I'm going to be honest with you- I don't believe you're not a mil who dislikes her dil. Or at least you've got to be a women who's annoyed at her sil for moaning about your mum?

Deary me, all these abbreviations!

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 15/03/2012 18:36

As I have said lower down on this thread I'm a dil. Many years off being a mil actually. I don't have any brothers so no moaning sils either. My reaction to this thread is based on your absurd behaviour. I know nothing about you except that which you have shared here but from that I'm unimpressed. If you only want people to post agreement then you really should make that clear.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 15/03/2012 18:40

Most of mine provide "free" childcare my friends and my work colleague. My parents would have paid ME to let them look after their kids.
WTF is the world coming to?

seeker · 15/03/2012 18:43

First world problems!

Original poster
mrsmplus3 · 15/03/2012 19:03

Ok then northern, I think you and I will just need to agree to disagree on this one. And you really should calm down, you don't come across as nice at all on this, calling me absurd and mis quoting me and exaggerating things. There's a huge difference between giving constructive criticism and just going mental about something at someone, you really seem to have it in for me.
But all the best to you ok, seriously, we will never agree, I don't get you at all and you clearly hate my post so just leave it and let me talk to all the other thousands of dils who are going through this very real situation. It does happen but were family and well get over it so don't you worry about it too much.

OP posts:
Heyyyho · 15/03/2012 21:22

Is there any history to this situation as you sound extremely would up and stressed by a pretty minor infraction.

My dm was my childcare when dd was a baby. She did some very annoying things but the bottom line was she was my childcare and I had to bite my tongue.

leftwingharpie · 16/03/2012 19:15

I agree that Northern's reaction is a bit OTT, but equally this DIL v MIL attitude you clearly have is a bit off OP. This is just a difficult personal relationship that happens to be with your MIL.

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