Mother in law has really pissed me off! Vent needed.

[mrsmplus3]

My husband and I have said for years that we don't really want the kids getting lots of sweets on a regular basis. This has always been ignored by my pils but because they watch our son once a week and because in general they are good parents/grandparents we always let it go. However, the dentist recently said the kids were beginning to show signs of early decay due to too many sweets and so we've said, in the nicest possible way, that buying them sweets all the time has to stop but they can have a treat after dinner on the weekends. Well today I came in from work and mil had bought kids 2 packets of sweets each! I can't believe it. I'm so pissed off. Why is she deliberately ignoring us/me? The kids were so excited but I had to say no, you can save them for the weekend. There were a few tears but then they were fine but it shouldn't even have been an issue. This has happened for years on and off but this has finally made me want to take a step back and not do all the nice extra things i do like have her over for dinner, get the kids to phone her with good news etc etc. I feel very sidelined, undermined and disrespected. I actually can't wait til my youngest is in school so I don't need to put up with her in my house anymore. Rant over for now. Any positive feedback/criticism appreciated.

eh id hardly call a phone call an "extra"...charming!

btw I'm 26, not a mil yet!

MrsM - there is obviously much more to it that just this issue so maybe expand a bit?
Yes MIL is a bit U for giving the sweets in front of the dc but maybe she meant them for the weekend?

You have not answered any of the posts about fruit though - do they eat a lot as this can be a big contributor to tooth decay?

Not aggression, just standing up for myself. You mils are a force to be reckoned with. It's not easy dealing with you, especially the ones who have their sons terrified to speak out.
Better go for now. Bedtime for kids.

My mum is the same and my nan was like it with me. BUT my mum was advised my dentist to cut out the sweets as my teeth were suffering and my nan started buying me fruit instead

Exploited - one day per week free childcare for at least two dcs. Assuming 4 years for your eldest and what 2 for your second? and that you have around 6 weeks each year when you haven't used them - I think you're looking at at least £10,000 that they've saved you in childcare costs. Now you're huffing and puffing because she buys your child sweets? Get a grip.

there is a good reason why there is an ocean and a continent between me and mine!

You choose the man not the inlaws and if you had any regard for your husband,you would make sure that you did your bit and tried to get on with her ....

i wish those who said your post was 'aggressive' would seriously shut their pie holes. They clearly have no idea what its like.

I have had my 'the kids always have to be in a carseat at all times' rule completely undermined and ignored more than twice by in laws, and i know the fury it can make you feel because at the end of the day theyre your kids, YOUR rules. It does feel like, never mind the wellbeing of my children, the pil think they know best, even if the child's safety is compromised. Nobody has any right to question, let alone ignore what you have stipulated for them whilst they are in the care of their grandparents. This is the state of your kids teeth we are talking about, thats not exactly minor. I would say take a deep breath, tell her clearly that its completely unacceptable and that you need her to understand that the kids teeth are going to fall out if she carries on, and then maintain a good relationship with her for the sake of the DC's, husband and the fact you are the bigger person.

mrsmplus3 - I do understand your feelings about this because it is infuriating when people, especially grandparents, ignore/override parents' wishes in this way. There's no need for children to have sweets at all, especially if they're showing signs of early tooth decay.

I really don't understand why grandparents think that giving sweets is a nice thing to do. I'm probably older than your MIL but even when my children were young, some 30 years ago, the message was already getting out that giving children sweets was bad for their teeth.

OP, I'm completely with you on this one. Your children, your rules. Repeat ad nauseum.....

I'm not a MIL!! I can understand how frustrating it is when in laws don't obey your rules (my mum and MIL do this) but I think punishing her by not inviting her for dinner/banning phone calls from children is a bit harsh. Just keep taking the sweets away and explain loudly in front of MIL why you are taking them away. My mum always makes me the bad guy with 'mummy says you can't have that' but I just choose my battles and know she doesn't mean harm, she's just very non confrontational and a people pleaser.

I agree with those saying the decay could have been caused by fruit, drinks etc and not sweets. I'm not a mil, I'm a dil with young children.

I'm a dil too. Pick your battles and don't use relatives for free childcare. You completely undermine 'your child, your rules' when you do that.

Mine fed my 2 year old daughter 4 Tunnocks tea cakes when my back was turned. When she threw up in my car ten minutes later at the start of a four hour drive home she blamed my daughter for "
Guzzling her food"She still brings it up and somehow makes it my fault. I am with you. And, it is not free childcare - anything but if you end up having to do what she wants. Your children are suffering do she can be lovely granny and make you look like an evil parent who denies them treats. Be firm.

By "Brings it up" I meant the incident not,thankfully, the tea cakes!

There is a big difference between assertiveness and aggression. They are not the same things ....

Well I was about to say I thought you were over reacting but all these accusations of "aggression" have put me well and truly in your corner.

Your kids your house your rules!

Don't feel I can really comment on the mil issue but do your children grind their teeth at all? When I was little my mum got told off by the dentist for giving me too many sweets and soft drinks. Well I was only allowed sweets on a Friday after school and we never had soft drinks in the house. I DID grind my teeth all the time though which I think accounted for the 'decay'.

Did you ask her why she'd got them sweets when you'd asked her not to? If so, what was her response?

Phew, some support at last. Thank you. Look, I came on here to vent and I did that and I feel better. No one has been harmed, no one has fallen out so all is well that ends well. I am not aggressive, I was momentarily pissed off. That's ok isn't it? Just as some of you were pissed off with my posts. That's ok too.

A few points I want to address but can't remember who said what so forgive me for any inaccuracies.

I adore my husband and family life and that is one of the reasons why I embrace my mil most of the time. However, that does not mean I need to be submissive in my own home and when it comes to my children I can request whatever I see fit for their well being. If she doesn't respect that then fine but I won't be calling her for lunch on Saturday if shes going to undermine me in front of the kids. That's not me trying to punish her, that's me just having a shred of self respect. Why on earth would I want to hang out with my mil if she's going to be like that with me?

The phone call thing- my kid got a sticker the other day and I suggested they phone grannie and tell her why. She loves stuff like that. But if she can't appreciate what a good dil I am, or even just appreciate it enough to show me some respect infront of the kids then I am not going to go out my way for her just now. No way.

The fruit thing- yes they eat fruit. So let's just say for talking sake that it's all my fault their teeth aren't as good as they should be. That still doesn't excuse my mil ignoring my request to not buy them sweets anymore, surely? That's so cheeky to me.

Lastly, I genuinely would like to know why mils do this- disregard their dils?
I know not all are like this, but far too many are and its not right.
We should get on and treat each other with respect and it should be 2 way.
My mil doesn't do this and I have had enough.
That doesn't mean much will change: the kids will still see her, well still get together at family things etc. It just means that deep down I don't trust her anymore and that is a real shame.
This is not all over sweets, it's the straw that has broken the camels back.
I don't know what else to say. I believe I am right. I am hurt and I am taking a step back for now.

And you are totally allowed to rant here. Vent if it helps you calm down. Ranting can be aggressive - but that is allowed and you do not deserve to get attacked. Take a deep breath. Ignore the attacks.

As for going forward - your choice - deep breath and ignore it. Just reiterate the no sweets and tell you children. Before too long you may find they stick to the rules even if MIL doen't. Ask MIL to stop the sweets but say you understand she wants to spoil them on occasion. Offer her some alternative suggestions for "treats" such as fruit/an activity. Also ask that if she gives them sweets to ask the children to go and brush their teeth immediately afterwards. (Do this with or without sticker charts for children for brushing teeth immediately after sweets you give them too so it becomes an immediate response by your children. It will also get the dentist to re-think if needed). That will soon take some of the appeal off the sweets (believe me it worked on DD1 - the faff of the teeth brushing means we tend to keep sweets for tea time).

And keep the higher moral ground. Stay calm.Try not to let your DCs know you are angry and do not change your behaviour/access etc. She was wrong. She is Grandma and whatever undermining she does (inentionally or not) it is a special relationship. And if you can get DH on board. Get him to back you up and if you cannot talk calmly about it to MIL get him to. But just start with a simple "no sweets please and this is why".

Wow. Only my third ever post on Mumsnet and it is an essay. Sorry. Hope I have not broken any rules/upset anyone.

Hope the rant/vent helps you calm and a hug sent over.

Oh pants. Forgot to correct the typos. hides in ashamed corner

No come back on the thousands of pounds worth of free childcare you've had though?

Look refusing your mil the right to buy her grandchildren sweets is not essential for their well being. It really isn't.

Oh and it was so waffly - remember to check before pressing "post".
As to why she is like this it may come down to the relationships she had with her mother/MIL. These things haunt us. Maybe she was undermined as a mother and she doesn't realise it is undermining she just feels it is "Granny knows best" and that is how she is supposed to behave - her MIL in did it so should she. Maybe her MIL was a right old stingy cow and she wants to not appear that way to your children so overdoes the sweets and treats - her panic about not being seen as mean over-riding any sense about ignoring you. Maybe she just wants you to know she cares. Who knows? Maybe a question worth asking of your DH (if he knows) or, when the dust has settled a casual question about her relationship with her MIL may reveal something.

I have the opposite problem in many ways. My MIL had so much problem with interfering PIL that she now is very very reticent of offering any opinion - even if I ask for it.

Thank you fish fingers. Good 3rd post

Clam, it's funny, you'd think it would be so easy to just ask why? But it's like I froze. I couldn't believe it. And the tension in the air was so tangible I just wanted it to be over, ie she was leaving anyway so I just waited til she left then got on mumsnet!

It's a strange one. And I've had enough. I know myself. I can play along with things for a while and when I finally realise I'm banging my head off a brick wall I just retreat. So there you have it. Or rather, there she has it. I've retreated. My husband can indulge her. I'm done- for now.