Told off another child ... got filthy look from parent

[twiglett]

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twiglett,
for what it's worth, I think you were right. It's the fact that he threw something that's at issue not what he threw, although obviously it could have been much worse. Personally, it really p**ses me off when parents are quite happy to look on and ignore, or even condone, bad behaviour by their children. I was at the swimming pool last night and there were 2 boys aged about 10 who were being a bit rowdy and obnovxious and kept getting told off by the lifeguard. I had thought they were there on their own but was gobsmacked to find out that the parents had been there all the time.

I'm not sure what the ettiquette is, twiglett, but I don't think you said anything out of order, though I'd probably not have asked him to apologise for fear of losing face if he didn't want to! Bit of a minefield, I guess!
Personally I usually don't directly intervene unless I feel that something serious is happening. Instead I talk to MY kids about what's happened in as humourous a way as my mood will muster. E.g.: "Rah! That boy just threw a piece of cloth at you/us! D'you think he's trying to scare us or what? He's cheeky, isn't he?" Usually seems to diffuse the situation without much ill-feeling and I'm a wuss so would choose to do that rather than confront, if there's any choice in the matter.

TBH Twiglett I would of seen his parent first and had a word with them.If nothing would of been done and the "throwing" continued I would of then said something to the child.
I dont really believe in chastising someone elses child.

That's a toughie. I'd be too much of a wimp to ask for an apology but I think you were right to be calm and polite. I think the aim is to help your own child to see that throwing stuff at people is not nice. It's an added bonus if the other child gets the message too.

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I'm with you Twiglett, I do speak to other children about their behavious if it affects my son. At playgroup last week I told a boy not to throw toys around as they were hitting smaller children. This particular child hits others frequently and I would not hesitate to tell him off if he hit ds. The parents should step in and deal with their own offspring but they often ignore it, that's given kids the wrong message.

Im with you on this one doormat. If my children did something inappropriate I would expect the adult to tell me before demanding an apology from them. I would say something along the lines of "thats not nice" to the child in question then if I felt anything more was required would speak to the parent. At the end of the day they may not have realised why you said what you did to their child.

You did the right thing twiglett. I have told children off in soft play for dangerous behaviour, etc. My tack is to act as if the parents aren't there. I don't look round for them, make eye contact, or anything. I just behave like a teacher. After all, their children are behaving as if they aren't there ... I haven't had a confrontation yet, but I do do it tactfully and firmly (like an impression of Joyce Grenfell, LOL), so I think anyone would find it hard to object. It's especially effective if you use a voice that would suit a 3 year old on a 7/8 yr old - very humiliating for the older child, but impossible to be offended by it when parents are earwigging.

I wouldn't ever ask another child to apologise but I'd certainly say, "No, don't throw things. It's not nice." My aim would always be to stop the behaviour, not educate them. But I'd also usually allow for the parent to come over and sort it first, so I'd briefly look around. All too often the parent is nowhere around and doesn't say anything even if they were. The other day ds was playing with something in the softplay/baby gym thing he goes to, when another older child tried to push him off it saying that it was his. No parent, so I just said, "No, this is for all the children to play with. Don't push" in a firm tone. Mind you, a bit later on he batted another child over the head so I didn't feel quit so smug! I did tell him off myself immediately though.

I agree, I think you were right. Either the Mum would have done it herself, in which case she would be grateful. Or in your case, the Mum wouldn't do it herself, in which case (IMO) the child needed to be told that this was unacceptable behaviour! (that's the teacher in me)

I had something similar this morning - the only difference was that I knew that the boy's Mum would have said the same if she was there, cos I know her (but I've never really spoken to the boy). I assumed that because his Mum would also have asked him not to do what he was doing, that he would also respond to my gentle reminder. Not a bit of it - he just carried on, and when I reminded him again, gave me that look you describe. So I said, "you know that's silly, don't do it." (by the way, he was showing off sticking his head through the altar rail, instead of kneeling at it) And he gave me that look again, but did stop.

So even if the Mum is on your side, it's a minefield. But I would do it again.

My ds is pulled up when he is being naughty by my friends and I do it to their children. Nothing overbearing, but when our children are together they know that all adults will frown on any bad behaviour. I like the consistency in that and have no problem with ds being told if he is being naughtly by other parents once it is not done in a angry way etc.
Of course it's seldom required as DS is such an angel

I think the parent should have been keeping a better eye on their child, and noticed the incident at the same time as yourself, and told her child off.
Recently, DH was at a ball pit with our DS's (5yo), he noticed a mother of a younger child telling our DS's off and went over to investigate.
She said, they had been throwing balls at her DS, DH apologised and got our DS's to do the same, but when her back was turned and she was walking away, one of our DS's threw a ball at her. Well, DH was livid !!! He gave them a right telling off and took them home straight away, we later took away their favourite toy for a week, and made it very clear that such antisocial behaviour is unaccepable.
All young children will show antisocial behaviour from time to time, but it is down to the parents, to set the boundries.However, in this situation, I did not mind at all, the woman telling my sons off, as it was wrong of them to behave the way they did.

You were right, Twiglett IMO. I wouldn't have asked for an apology but I would certainly have used pretty much the same words you did.

i was in the Wacky Warehouse with my dd a few weeks ago (she's 2.6) and this little boy, only about a year and a half old hit her and then had the front of her shirt! Obviously he was very young and my dd went through a violent stage so i didn't blame the baby,(as thats all he was) but his mum avoided eye contact and neither apologized to me or my dd and i was VERY offended by HER!

Definitely would have said something, and have done in the past, esp when the aggressor was so much older/bigger. Recently did a god impression of a fishwife at a wacky warehouse, only to discover the mother of the little s**t in question worked behind the counter!

What I really hate is parents who correct other people's kids but are blind to the faults of their own offspring. A member of the post-natal group i used to go to had a dd who was quite difficult. Woman told my DD off for snatching (fair enough, but they were under 2 at the time and really don't think dd could have been expected to say"please may i have a turn" as she suggested) and then completely ignored the fact that her DD was throwing wooden blocks at the other kids. AAAH!

There are very rough kids in the town where we live... The sort of twerps who jump out as you're walking by and spit at you. No reason. You're there and they feel like showing off to their mates.

Anyway, I decided that I heavily respect people who tell off kids when they really need it. Not natural for me, but sometimes you just have to do it. Sometimes the kids on our road tease the old folks who live across the way and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't stand up for the oldies. So answer, Twiglett, is you tell them off when it's obvious their behavior is anti-social. Definitely you were in the right to say something -- ESPECIALLY considering the object was thrown at your child. Depending what it was, I might have been much more direct than you were in telling child that was completely out of order.

I have also told other children that they were behaving badly (in a polite and calm way). As well as making the point that some behaviour is unacceptable it also make the child realise that other adults don't let them get away with bad behaviour, even if their parents do let them get away with things. I wish some of the 11-16 year olds I teach had been told how to behave by someone, anyone, before I got them.

I teach some children who have very little respect for anything or anyone, and they seem to be genuinely surprised when I tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable and that I will not put up with it. For example one 16 year old grabbed the legs of another girl and tried to tip her over, in the middle of a science lab. She couldn't understand why I told her that this was unacceptable behaviour. Similarly the 12 year old who told me to F off and called another child a Dick Head.

Children need to be told when their behaviour is unacceptable. If enough people do it, often enough, them possibly the message will sink in.

hmb - I am becoming more convinced you teach at my school; it is just the same. They have little respect for anyone, not even the head. I belive some of them have never had their behaviour checked at all out of school and they really resent it when they are told to behave.

I have no hesitation about telling off someone else's child (irrespective of whether what they are doing is impacting on me or my children or not), and am very happy for others to do so to mine if necessary. Mine are now 4 and 6 and have quite a lot of freedom, so are not always within my sight. I help out in school quite a lot, so know a lot of the children by name anyway, which helps.

I've never had a bad experience with this, and would love to live in a society with more of a sense of collective responsibility for the welfare of children.

The only time I wouldn't get involved is if I was aware that the parent had noticed and was dealing with it - even if I didn't agree with the method. Even very small children can do malicious things - and it's very easy for a parent to be distracted by the baby and completely miss what the 2 yr-old is up to.

CnR

To be honest, the school I work at isn't the worst in the district! There are some schools that I wouldn't work in.

The boy who told me to F off at least did it in French! So at least his language skills were better than most of the kids in the class. I wasn't quite 100% sure that he knew exactly what he was saying. I have however caught him almost saying it a second time, and reminded him that this time he did know what he was saying and if he said it he was going to the Duty HOY!

That said, I do love the job, but I just wish that I could concentrate on teaching and not crowd control. One of the other teacher once told me that I couldn't expect the kids to have 'nice middle class manners'. As I told her, I came from a working class family, and my mother would have made my life hell if I'd have spoken to an adult as some of the kids speak to me. Nothing to do with class, everything to do with self respect and respect for others. Goodness I do sound like a middle aged 'Disgusted Tumbridge Wells'

You were absoluteluy, totally and completely right and the other mother is sadly ignorant (which is where her son/ daughter?gets it from)

Ps I can spell absolutely (previously was a typo!)

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