Dicaplining children - Me and DH keep falling out over it - solutions??? (long)

[TambaTheDragonSlayer]

Ive realised that somethings I read on here really do affect my life!

I read a smacking verses no smaking thread a couple of months ago and it really made me think.

I did used to smack the boys when they played up and admittedly sometimes it was because I was frustrated and it was only something little they were doing but because it would all build up I smacked there bums iyswim

And I decided to stop for all the reasons posted on that thread and others like it.

I havent had to smack the kids in months, I praise them alot more and if ds1 (3.5) is playing up I tell him we need a talk and I explain to him why mommy is annoyed etc or if he is having a tantrum i just copy him in a whiney voice and stamp my feet - stops him in his tracks!

But

DH does smack and it is pissing me off. I can see that theres no need for it but he is unprepared to listen although i have explained many times. Today for example, ds1 was crying because he was tired and didnt want to get out of the car... DH smacks him, ds1 hits him back and then dh tells him off for hitting (wheres the logic in that???)

I come in and ask ds1 why he is upset, he says he wanted to listen to a song that was onin the car, I saw that i dont think daddy realised that was the reason for him staying in the car... ds says sorry for hitting and having a tantrum.. look to dh to say sorry for smaking him... and he wont say it.

I realise I have underminded dh but I firmly believe my approach is best. I have well behaved children when they are with me, and little monsters when they are with dh.

How can I make him see that smacking them isnt working? And also that every time he does smack them I hate him for it. I dont want the boys t be scared of there father!!!! He thinks its all modern crap and the reason that there are so many thugs on the streets, that parents have gone soft.

Any advice?

The boys are 3.5 and 22 months.

(also meant to say that apart from this little issue dh is a fab father, the kids adore him and when i use the word 'smack' i dont mean punched, hit, etc iyswim)

TBH I don't think you can make him see if you have already explained your reasoning. I used to have this with my kids- I read loads of books and "knew" what I was doing but DH did exactly the opposite. Then one day someone said to me that actually they were his kids too and he didn't have to follow my rules- how would I feel if he was telling me to stop doing something.

I still hated it, but she had a point. (and you shouldn't undermine his authority in front of them- sorry). If it's any help, we smacked all four of ours because it was more normal then, and they aren't frightened of either of us!

I am sorry, but I don't think that I would let anyone hit my kids. It's a total deal-breaker for me. I cannot and will not respect the 'right' of anyone to hit the kids I brought into this world.
I would be very, very angry. This probably isn't helping you though Tamba - though well done on turning it around with the kids. Sounds as though you are doing brilliantly. I don't think you are 'undermining' him in the least btw. He is undermining you. Does he like hitting them or something?

Can you sit him down in front of The House of Tiny Tearaways or something to see how much more effective other ways are? Or Supernanny?

I would think the proof of the pudding (as you say) is that the kids behave for you and they are monsters with him. That should be good enough for him to see that his way is not working.

Could you persuade him to have a day on the weekend when you do all the disciplining and he does none just to show him that it is possible to get through a day without smacking?

Like foxinsocks' idea.

Who does most of the childcare? You, I'm guessing. So you get most of the say in child-rearing then. You spend more time with the children, you have more experience of what works and what doesn't. He has to understand that.

I have a bit of the same prob. on occasion. I have found the best way is to say that you want to try a new discipline method (ie pasta jar) and will he try it too. You need to give him something that feel constructive to replace the smacking.

We tend to spend about the same amount of time with the kids, he works 4 days on 4 days off and on those four days off he does the majority of the childcare.

I think part of it is, is that he works nights so is always very grumpy when he gets up.

We are usually great at deciding things for the kids between us, we talk through everything - except this. This is the first time we've found anything that we totally disagree on. I cant stand him smaking 'my' children and he feels he should be able to disapline 'his' children in the way he feels is right. We both have a point.

But they dont need to be smacked. I have honestly found that sice I have starting having 'mommy and big boy' talks he has been so much better behaved. He feels like he is a big boy and acts like it. Instead of having tantrums and playing up he will ask for a 'big boy' talk. But he doesnt get the chance with dh as he hasnt the patience to listen and they both get frustrated.

I do feel dh is too rough with them but how can I change the way he acts without him knowing iyswim. He would hate to think i was trying to control him but in all honesty i am. But i feel it is for a greater good.

I get frustrated when he smacks them and I admit, when I see him raise his hand I tell him to stop and remove ds from the situation - leaving him feeling underminded and frustrated. I feel he should have the skills to deal with the kids differently, to defuse the situation like ive had to learn to do. He has know excuse as he spends the same amount of time with the boys as I do. He just wont give it a try.

What about telling him that his children will never forget that he hit them and might never forgive him? It's true.
Sorry, but I just want to go round and slap him, which isn't helpful but it upsets me.
Why do people enjoy hitting the people they are supposed to love most? I truly don't get it.

have you tried getting him to watch parenting programmes? Join in with a new scheme of 'discipline'? Read a book? Give up work and take over the childcare? Divorce him?

Bury a claw hammer in his fatuous skull? Sorry....do carry on.....

.

I am totally emotional about this subject, I really am
Does he not see how much better behaved they are for you?

Tamba, you are their mum. And a very good and patient mum from what I have seen. I remember your thread about your little boys trashing your bathroom in the mornings...I remember thinking then what a lovely kind mother you were. You sound very together about your own views on discipline and what is right for your kids. It's intolerable that your husband is blatantly contradicting you and smacking them, when that isn't what you want. I think you should be really blunt and insistent with him about this. You are in the right. It is horrid that your DS1 smacks him back and is then told off for hitting...it must be infuriating for you that your DH can't see the lunacy of this. Their father needs to understand that his relationship with them is under threat from his behaviour. They won't trust him if they remember being afraid of him.