So is this infidelity then?? (Probably long)

[SourOldBat]

About 20 years ago I used to work with this bloke and there was always a bit of a spark between us. Five years ago, very bizarrely, in another country, we ended up working in the same office again. The spark was still there and we often went out for a drink and/or dinner in the evening. DH knew about it and didn't say anything, even when I rolled in pissed once at 1.00 am. Blokey moved to another country two years ago. We e-mail every day - about 20 e-mails and meet for lunch about every 3 months in Paris when he is passing through Europe (now in Far East - him, not me).

Although there is definitely a spark there, there has never been any physical contact between us - not even a social kiss. But a friend showed me an article in, I think, Eve magazine, which said that this sort of thing was infidelity and "unsafe" if you are happily married (which I do consider myself to be - he is still resolutely single, though does have an on/off girlfriend).

So, Mumsnet Jury, is this "relationship" infidelity, wrong or OK?

10 e-mails each per day? Blimey. My gut reaction is that it is a form of emotional infidelity, in that you seem to be devoting a heck of a lot of attention to this guy. I think the general test in these situations is would you be happy for DH to see these e-mails and know how much you were contacting each other/seeing each other. I.e. if you would want to keep aspects of the relationship hidden, you know there's something not quite right about it. How would you feel if DH was in a similar position with a former female colleague that he had fancied?

no! certainly not if you have no intention for anything to happen. I'm assuming that your lunches don't make you feel differently (in a negative way) about your own marriage, but merely pep you up a bit, which can only be a good thing (don't we all deserve innocent peps from time to time? )

i'd say no as long as your not thinking anything other than friendship, this sounds like me with some of my female friends, lots of emails, nights out, what difference does it make him being male

i was thinking that technically its not infidelity

but i don't suppose you email that regulalry with purely platonic friends. and if the friendship has only really lasted because of a sexual spark, i'd say it was a bit dodgy.

DH does see some of the e-mails. There's nothing remotely raunchy in them or that I wouldn't want him to see. I often read him bits out or let him read them over my shoulder. Orangina, yes it does give me a bit of a lift, as I don't feel like dull old mummy when I'm flirting with him!

Maybe it has only lasted this long because there is a spark and we haven't done anything about it? If we had jumped into bed together and got that bit of it out of the way, I wonder if we would still be speaking?

"jumped into bed and got that bit out of the way..."
Oh come off SourOldBat, that's not really how sexual attraction works now is it
no, I don't think it's infidelity
no I don't think it's wrong
no I don't think when you get married that you have to give up any friendships with members of the opposite sex, nor feeling attraction for members of the opposite sex, nor flirting with them even
I think the kind of nonsense in "Eve" is unhelpful and unrealistic. I personally don't see a problem in what you are doing at all. If you trust yourself and your dh trusts you, then what could be the problem.
If you are tempted to take it further, then you need to get a grip.

I was tempted to take it further when we met up again 5 years ago, but only fleetingly tempted over a few drinks. I really and truly wouldn't now, but I do enjoy having an attractive man to flirt with.

And I always get very, very hot sex from DH after I've been out with Blokey!