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Original poster

Please can I have your opinions on....

22 replies

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 19/01/2006 10:31

Egg Donation to a family member.

Hypothetically...

Supposing your mom is 42 years old and has been remarried for the last 3 years. Her and her new partnr have a 6 year old ds. From a previous marriage she has you, and 2 other children aged 19 and 17.

She has been trying unsucessfully for another child for the last 3 years. The doctor thinks that it is too late for her to concieve (approaching the menopause fast)

She is a good parent, her 6 year old is spoilt but is generally a good kid. Her relationship eith her dh has been improving over the years. He origionally lived in a different city and would only be around at weekends due to work but since being made redunant he spends most of the week in the family home. He would also like another child and has agreed to undergoing fertillity tests etc. The 6 year old is his only child.

Although you dont get on great with your Stepfather, you do not dislike him. You dont think he has great parenting skills but the potential is there, given time and support.

Your mother has dropped hints about egg donation if she has no viable eggs of her own. How would you feel about this? Genentically the child would be yours and your step fathers. You would watch your mother raise what is biologically your child. You would be giving your mother the greatest gift in the world. There are many Pros and Cons.

Opinions needed please.

Hypothetically of course...

OP posts:

lucy5 · 19/01/2006 10:35

Im afraid I couldnt do it. I know its selfish as I have already been blessed with the ability to have children but I could not see that child as anything but my own. In your hypothetical scenario, they do already have children so I wouldnt feel under pressure.

Kelly1978 · 19/01/2006 10:36

I couldn't neither. I couldn't watch my child being brought up by someone else. I woudl suggest she adopted.

mummytosteven · 19/01/2006 10:38

I wouldn't - more for the selfish reason of not wanting to go through the onerous and potentially risky process of egg donation.

Flamesparrow · 19/01/2006 10:38

If they didn't already have a child, then I would consider it... but they have one together, and she already has 3 others - she has been blessed 4 times, and her body has decided that it doesn't want any more children. I would go with no - enjoy the children you have and listen to nature.

Before I get things thrown at me - I'm not anti-ivf/egg donation for age related infertility, I just feel that every situation is different, and this imo isn't a case that would warrant it.

Caligula · 19/01/2006 10:38

I wouldn't do it.

WideWebWitch · 19/01/2006 10:39

I wouldn't, I think it would be v weird and there's something just ewww about it.

LoveMyGirls · 19/01/2006 10:42

i dont think i could either i think she should enjoy the children she already has and also enjoy her retirement looking after her grandchildren.

eefs · 19/01/2006 10:43

hard one.
I think I possibly could for my sisters if completely comfortable with thier situations. I think I would not regard that child as mine though if they were doing the pregnancy, birth, raising. Not fair on either of us to claim that child as mine.

I think if, hypothetically, you already have some misgivings about your SD's parenting skills and have already made reference to the child being yours then there is huge potential for fall-out between you all.

It's not an easy process to donate eggs.

harpsichordcarrier · 19/01/2006 10:46

yes I would
I have talked about doing it for my sister (older than the mother in this example)
and I would do it for her
nws reservations about her parenting
I think the pros outweigh the cons

coppertop · 19/01/2006 10:46

I certainly couldn't do it in the situation you describe. Perhaps donating eggs to a childless sister would be one thing but IMHO donating eggs to your own mother, who already has 4 children of her own, is just too weird.

WigWamBam · 19/01/2006 10:46

I couldn't do it, and anyone who could is a stronger person than I am. It's not the egg donation that would bother me; I think that's a wonderful gift to be able to give to a childless couple. It's the fact that the child would be part of my close family, I would see it all the time, and it would devastate me to see him or her call someone else, whoever it was, Mummy. I would be unable to switch off the fact that the child would biologically be mine.

There's also the fact that she already has a large family, so the situation is rather different to donating eggs to a childless couple desperate for children. I would find it far easier to refuse to donate under those circumstances than if they were childless.

In that situation an anonymous donor would, I feel, be better than expecting her daughter to donate. To have to live with the fact that my mother's baby was actually my child, yet not being able to be that child's mother, would devastate me.

Aloha · 19/01/2006 10:47

Absolutely not! Tbh the idea of my baby being fathered by my stepfather is absolutely revolting to me. I also couldn't personally watch my child being brought up by someone else - particularly someone I didn't think had great parenting skills. Not at all. Also egg donation is not risk-free. Plus it's not like she has no children!
Maybe if I had a sister who was infertile and really suffering I might have done it.
Think it is amazing and hilarious in a way that your mother is the same age as me, and my children are 4 and nearly one!

Original poster

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 19/01/2006 10:48

Thanks, those posts pretty much confirmed my feelings on it. (I also forgot to mention she has 2 grandchildren too)

It is difficult to watch somebody trying for a baby and to have the potential to be able to help and then to not help iyswim. I wouldnt be able to detach myself from thinking the child is mine. I wouldnt be able to stop myself from interferring. Also, what do you tell the child when they are older etc.

I know that the time will come when she will ask. There have been hints dropped already. I think she should focus her attention on her 6 year old who I think plays up because he doesnt get the attention he needs - although he gets lots of toys iyswim.

How to phrase that in a non offensive way though.. although I dont need to worry about it just yet as she hasnt actualy asked. They have been referred to a fertility specialist.

OP posts:

FairyMum · 19/01/2006 10:48

Never. Totally agree with Aloha.

Mytwopenceworth · 19/01/2006 10:49

i thnk i could for a woman who has no kids, say my sister or a much loved friend, but for a menopausal woman with several children - including one already with current partner? i would say count your blessings. i couldnt. even if i did, i would probably feel like i had rights over the child and would probably stick my nose in all the time, causing all sorts of hassle!

desperatehousewife · 19/01/2006 10:50

no i couldn't. I would suggest she got an unknown egg doner.

XmasPud · 19/01/2006 10:50

When my sister was having fertility issues we discussed egg donation (I brought the topic up) and said that I would be more than happy to discuss the idea at length with all parties and if we all agreed and were happy with it, would go ahead with approaching the GP about it. For me it was and is simple - she is my sister, I love her, she and her DH will make wonderful parents, are in an emotionally and financially stable relationship.If I could help her experience parenthood by donating eggs I would. Not sure I could be a surrogate mum and carry a baby myself and give it up at the end, but I am fairly sure I could donate eggs and cope with the emotional baggage.
If it were for a family relative that already had a child and I didn?t have a strong bond with the father to be I would think long and hard about it and probably say no at the end of it.
Every situation is different and only you can make that decision. Her GP could well advise against it anyway based on her age.

Original poster

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 19/01/2006 10:51

Ahola - I am her oldest and I am 23!

OP posts:

Flossam · 19/01/2006 10:52

I couldn't either. Good luck to her though.

Aloha · 19/01/2006 10:52

I don't mean to be horrible, but also find it amazing that scarce NHS resources will be spent on a woman who has FOUR children. I'm sure she is a lovely woman, but surely four is enough? And the grandchildren? Being at the end of your fertile life at 42 is entirely natural.
I was going to mention the fact that at some point this child would have to be told that her sister is her biological mother, and that seems to be asking for problems.

Aloha · 19/01/2006 10:54

Tamba, my mum had me when she was 23 and I'm glad because it means ds has an active grandma. If my kids wait as long as I did I shall be decrepid or dead by the time they have grandchildren!

Original poster

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 19/01/2006 10:59

I think thats a valid point ahola. When the waiting lists are so long you would assume that childless couples would be more of a priority.

I dont understand her drive to having another child. She worls hard, (part time) and has a dh who i cant remember ever having changed a nappy. For the first few years of my brothers life, if my mom (rarely) went out for a night then I would babysit (her husband would also be at home though but obviosly couldnt manage!) But for all my concerns about there relationship atm it is none of my buisness as long as she is happy. But if they were to be bringing up a child concived with my egg then it would become my buisness and i think that it would greatly affect the relationship between us.

She lost a baby when he was 11 days old 16 years ago, maybe she feels she is trying to get back what she has lost? although she has had 2 sons since then. I am trying to understand her motivation and failing. She has more freedom now, no broken nights etc but i guess we are all different and for what ever reason she desperatly wants another child.

I think part of it is that she doesnt want her 6 year old to be bought up as an only child (sort of seeing as her other children are all adults) She only has the 17 year old living at home with her and my little brother.

OP posts:

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