Mums who don't see their children...

[salt]

I'm just wondering - for no other reason than out of interest if there are any mums on here who don't see their children out of choice?

Is it difficult or did you just decide motherhood wasn't for you (at the time)?

I was talking to a man who raises his child alone and I was annoyed with myself for being shocked that his xw just upped and left. I don't know why it surprised me really I guess I've just never really thought about it before.

I'm guessing women who don't see their children might not be posting on here anyway...?!

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Interesting subject Salt. But I think you will be hard pushed to find a man or a woman that would come on Mumsnet and admit that they walked out on their childs life and have no interest in their future or even being a parent to them. They would be shot down in flames!

Good point Twinkie, there are 2 sides to every story.

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Well this is the thing Twinkie, I can't imagine walking out on my childs life, like you I would fight tooth and nail to have her with me all the time...

but then you hear these sorts of stories quite often... made me wonder that's all.

I know a guy who's mum dumped him with his gradparents, left with a bag of her belongings and never came back, I know another guy who grew up thinking his mum was his sister (because she didn't want to bring him up) - so these things do happen.

Twinkie on your second point, I watched a program about a women trying to get her children back from the far east - it was awful - I cried.

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Twinkie, it must hurt so much not seeing her but am sure your move was and will be for the best for you and your dd. You're doing brilliantly and will do brilliantly in the future with the family you deserve, all together. I bet this time next year we're both in a much better place. If you can sort your alcohol intake out we'll celebrate -think at the moment I'd drink you under the table in ten minutes. Lots of love.

I'm with you on this issue, Twinkie.

Whenever I hear stories about mothers 'abandoning' their children, my first thought is always 'I wonder why she did that?' but with pity rather than judgement, as I can only imagine what a difficult decision that may have been, having become a mum myself and the pressures that that brings with it. I could never imagine that I would do that, but who knows what goes on in other peoples' lives.....

Re the man that you spoke about,Salt, I can fully understand how he would feel 'dumped' because from his perspective, he was. But his mother may have a different story to tell

Is it so much worse than a father walking out on their child?

Interesting that everyone seems so quick to assume that a woman couldn't do this and yet many men do. There was a tv programme about this a few years ago, it does happen. My daughter's father doesn't make any real attempt to see her(and wouldn't at all if I hadn't pushed it) but most people don't think that's shocking, they just sort of shrug.

My ex boyfriend's mother (long time ago ex) walked out when he was 12 and he spent 8 months tracking her down. He remained in sporadic contact with her, mostly from his own initiative. I don't think he ever dealt with it and it caused massive issues for him maintaining relationships with women. I hope now he has dealt with it.

I CANNOT understand how a woman can leave her children, but despite my experience I have huge sympathy because to just walk out and leave like that must be a symptom of some massive underlying problems. However I also feel that as a mother you have a duty to sort yourself out for your kids. Even if 10 years later you go to them and explain and apologise - won't mend anything but might help kids get on with their lives.

I don't really know what my opinion is but it's interesting to see other peoples opinions and how they think.

I also found out that the mother of the child who's father triggered this post has actually left another child with her previous husband.

Why would you have one child with one man, abandon it and then have another child with another man and do the same thing?

It shouldn't be any worse than a father walking out, but I guess it is percieved to be worse if a Mother should leave. My dh's parents divorced when he was 9 and his brother 11. They both went to live with their Dad and his new wife. They saw their Mum every other weekend. She was financially comfortable and had no emotional problems but felt she couldn't cope with two young boys. It's not at all discussed, and dh and his brother just seemed to accept the situation without question. But I can not understand how she was happy to allow another woman to raise her kids. It's beyond me.

Maybe motherhood just doesn't suit some people. I went to school with a girl who lived with her dad. She saw her mum during school holidays sometimes... everyone seemed happy enough with the arrangement.

I lived with my grandparents and saw my mother in the school holidays when I was old enough to travel alone (about 12). So from 5-12 I only saw her once or twice a year. It wasn't a healthy arrangement, IMO, because I pined and mooned for her most of the time, until I became old enough to realise she was doing it because she wanted to. I don't think women (or men for that matter) realise the long-term implications re the relationship when they embark upon these separations. What can seem like a short-term measure to get a parent out of a hole can have horrendous long-term implications. I think my mum probably thought it would be OK for 6 months or so, them realised she didn't want to uproot me, but couldn't bear to lose her freedom and leave her area, so it snowballed. Our relationship today is distant.
(BTW Twinkie, I know that you are not in this category and that your separation is very much against your will).

As I pointed out on a previous thread, my dh is adopted and last year we got in touch with his birth mum. They have remained in contact since and everything seems hunky dory. She explained that she had to give him up as back in the 60's it wasn't acceptable. However, she went on to have 2 other children who at the age of 5 and 7 she allowed to move with their father to NZ. So having had 3 kids she has spent the last 25 years without any of them.

Soupdragon: of course, in theory, it shouldn't be...but why do so many more men that women abandon their children? (I don't mean men who would like very much to be in contact but are prevented)