Stroppy toddler

[Judith1]

I am just about at my wits end. I have a 2 and a half year old that thinks she is the boss. If she doesn't do what she wants to do she stands and screams at the top of her voice. She doesn't seem to learn. I tried not giving in, but she stil yells. If I ask her to be quiet or sit down and she doesn't want to do it she throughs a tantrum. She is beginning to get embarrassing. You see all these good children and the I look at mine. What am I going to do???? I thought I was doing a good job at being a mum, my hubby wants another, but if this is what happens, perhaps I shouldn't.
don't get me wrong I love to bits and when she is good, which is 75% of the time (as long as she wants to be good!!!) she's really lovely.

I'm just feeling so down about it, I don't knowe how much I can take....I really love her......what am I doing wrong?

Is there anybody else out there with a strong willed toddler....

I just had to get it off my chest.

Judith1 - I want through a similar phase with my ds when he was younger, and I'm sure most mums have been there too.

It's so easy to assume that everyone elses children are good all the time, but that is unlikely to be a true reflectiondon! Asserting their own will is a natural part of growing up, so please don't think you're doing not doing a good job - I'm sure you are .

My advice would be to avoid acting as if your dd really is the boss. What I mean is don't let the embarrassment of her tantrums make you give in to her. If you do give in every time she has a tantrum, you will reinforce that behaviour so she'll continue. As long as she's safe, could you try ignoring (or pretending to ignore) her ? I know this is difficult in a public place (been there, done that), where you feel that everyone is staring at you and your child, but believe me there will be pleanty of mothers out there who know what it's like and will not be judging you.

Good luck....let us know how you get on.

Yup, dd at just 2 is VERY strong willed. I said I would not resort to bribery - I have to!

Today, she was on reigns in Boots, and emptying the contents of the shelves into her cute little shopping trolley so thoughtfully provided by Boots. When I eventually got her to the checkout, she lay on the floor having a tantrum. So I let her 'dangle' on the reigns, and ignored her. Much to the disgust of the oh so perfect man at the head of the queue.

She got up eventually!

Judith1, your are not alone, you are not a bad mother (quite the opposite, because you obviously care !)and your 2 year old is behaving like a 2 year old.

My dd is very similar, and on bad days I don't know which of us screams the louder.. Like Anabani and Alih I've found it easier if I just stand back slightly and let her get on with it - I used to worry what other people thought but I don't care now - in fact I've found I get lots of sympathetic comments & glances. If it's not practical to wait I just bundle her up under my arm and remove her from the situation.

Our situation is starting to slowly improve but I've re-read Christopher Green's Toddler Taming many times over the past few months. The only thing that works for me is to be utterly consistent and act on my promises eg 'if you don't behave properly here, we'll have to go straight home without stopping at the swings'. We've only been straight home once but she remembers that I'm willing to enforce that if necessary and a couple of reminders are usually enough.

It's really hard though, and my mum has been on the end of many a tearful phone call when I've been at my wits end. I'm a very short-tempered, emotional person (wonder where dd gets it from ??!) and sometimes I've had to put her in her room for a few minutes while I calm myself down.

Three things keep me going on bad days, one is that in many ways I'm glad dd will challenge things rather than be a pudding, the second that like yours when she's being lovely she's fabulous and the third is a sentence from Toddler Taming which says that 'yours may appear the worst in the shop, the Precinct or the even the entire city, but there are always many more difficult little ones, whose mothers have learned from experience not to take shopping. While you are being embarassed in public, crowds of similar children are left with a neighbour, casual care or maybe even in a heavily fortified dungeon at Grandma's place'

Don't give up hope, your child is a normal toddler doing normal toddler things. Remember, the 'good' children you see may have all sorts of not so good habits which aren't visible in public. None of us are perfect (far from it in my case) we're only human beings trying to do the best for our very human children.

Good luck and keep smiling

I've got 3 strong-willed children, infact 2 of them (aged 5 & 3) are up in there bedrooms now after being sent up there for doing something that they are consistently told not to do! My 3 yr old dd can be a real madam, but the 5 yr old, although still having the odd moment, is generally better - I put this down to the fact that he has now grasped the concept of bribery! I did once get very stressed about it, but now I've reached the conclusion that it's part of the course of having kids. You'd be surprised just how many mothers feel exactly the same as you do!

Thanks all of you - at least I don't feel quite so alone when there is somebody who has been there. I suppose it's just perserverance. I feel so awful when I tell her off, but if I don't in the time to come she really will rule me.

Today at least I've had a day off from her because I am at work (yes, still finding time for Mumsnet!!!!). It's Daddy's turn to sort out the strops.

I'll keep you posted on our progress though.

Thanks again.

My advice is, however hard it is, stick to your guns and remain firm - it will (eventually!) pass and your daughter will be a nicer child for it. I have a friend who had a strong willed toddler (and sadly a partner who was away a lot) who did a lot of giving in for the sake of peace (this is not a criticism of her, just an observation) and her child still runs rings round her at nearly 5. My ds is strong willed and we really had some moments with him between 2 & 3; now he is 4 and dd is just turning 2 and the true horror of it all is coming flooding back to us! At least when dd starts playing up I can look at ds (who, while no angel, is a pretty nice chap now)and see that all our efforts to ignore tantrums etc and remain in control have paid off, and also remember that it passed with ds and will pass with dd. So stick with it, remember that , however trying, it is a phase, and don't let it put you off having another - pregnancy is 9 months and by the time any new baby arrives your daughter will probably be in a new phase.

Judith1 - I guess it's clear from reading these replies that you are not on your own. Most mums have been there (and if they haven't - then may they have nightmare teenagers!) - I have weeks when I am at my wits end and then things may turn around for a little while. I was at my wits end last week coz my ds wouldn't sleep in the day - and with a little help from other mumsnetters, I am having a good week this week.

However, as well as all the advice others have given which I would really agree with - something I have found which helps my ds (and me) is homeopathy. I'm not sure how much you know about it, but it treats the 'whole' person/ child - and that includes behaviour/ personality/ attitudes. If a child is very angry/ intolerant/ bossy (as my ds tends to be) there are certain remedies which may be appropriate and will help to calm him/ her. Sounds a bit wierd, and like you are trying to 'change' your child, but really its just about helping to bring them back to their natural balanced state (which may be moody/ angry at times, but shouldn't be 75% of the time).

You need to make sure you get a good homeopath though, as there are alot of people who are not fully trained. There is a society of homeopaths who could recommend someone, or better still a personal recommendation would be best. What do you think? - maybe its not your bag.

I too am at my wits end. I have two strong willed toddlers (one just turned 2 and the other about to be 3) and I am finding imposing rules and discipline a real problem - bed times are particularly stressful. things aren't helped by my partner not being of the same view as me on matters of routines and discipline, so they are getting mixed messages and exploiting this. This is also having a negative effect on our relationship and I find myself increasingly angry with him, upset and frustrated and downright tired. I'm at the point where I think I might need some help - counselling and advice about child behaviour and the impact on me and our relationship. Does anyone know of an individual or organisation who might be able to help (north london area). Thank you in desperation

Have you thought about contacting HomeStart, Marsia? They take referrals from health visitors and GPs but I think you can self-refer as well. They allocate volunteers to families with at least one child under 5. The volunteer visits the family at home once a week for a couple of hours- to chat, help out, give mum a bit of a break, advise on child behaviour (IF REQUESTED- you shouldn't be bombarded with unwanted advice), give advice about other help available, etc. Ringing your local branch might be a good starting point for seeing what's out there in the way of help, even if HomeStart itself doesn't sound like what you need. HTH.

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ds seems to look at other people when we're out with his big blue eyes and long eyelashes all the cute little angel then by the time I've got home I'm convinced I've bought somebody else back with me. Somedays I'm convinced I baptised him something else as he never answers to his name. dh makes me laugh complaining that ds has selective hearing - a bit rich coming from the original prototype! Funny thing is nine times out of ten ds will do as he is told in the company of other people but as soon as we get home ..... aaagh

Hi Marsia,
There's an organisation called 'Parenttalk' that runs courses in many parts of the country on parenting skills. From my experience, I can highly recommend it - its a structured but friendly and informal support group, with each course typically running for about 8 weeks, 1 session a week. From what you say, it would be worth getting your husband to go along with you if possible, but lots of parents go on their own. Why not give them a ring to see if there are any courses near you ? Their number is 0700 2000 500.
Good Luck A.

Aaahhh!!! She's at it again. This morning I took her to her singing group (Jo Jingles) and she was totally embarrassing. As son as we went in the strops started, so I took her out of the room. I brought her back in and told her to behave, which she did for a while. Then she started again, so I just picked her up and took her home! I don't know if I did the right thing....she was crying her eyes out, but I don't know if she realised that she was missing the end of the group.

Oh, I just don't know what to do. I keep trying to be firm, but she doesn't seem to care. I suppose it's just time and sticking to my guns, but thought I would let you know that things are still......interesting!!!!!!

Judith1, my advice would be: don't beat yourself up about the incident today.

Firstly, remind yourself that most of the other parents and helpers will have experienced toddler tantrums (or soon will), so although you thought the incident was embarrassing, the parents are actually likely to have understood and empathised with you. When you face a similar situation again, tell yourself that this is NOT so embarrassing, that your daughter is being a normal 2 year old. The adults around you will either A) understand that toddlers will be toddlers, who will occasionally have tantrums or B) they won't understand, but only through their own inexperience- so not your problem. Incidentally I was in Sainsburys last week when my 14 month dd had a tantrum at the checkout. I lay her gently on the floor, and as calmly as I could, paid for my shopping whilst keeping an eye on her but not fussing over her. When I had paid, I scooped her up and left.

Right, that's the embarrassment bit. You're absolutely right to continue trying to be firm. This way, your dd will (eventually) get the message that you're in charge. You say she doesn't seem to care, yet the fact that she cried when you took her away from the singing group suggests that she does care. Perhaps next time you're faced with a similar situation, you could give her more warning before totally removing her? For example, could you have told her after bringing her back into the room "if you do that again, we're going straight home" ? This way you wouldn't feel so bad about taking her home (having warned her first) and she would begin to get the idea that bad behaviour leads to treats being taken away.

Good Luck!