DP says no to number three - feeling miserable

[puddle]

We had a big chat about it last night. I kind of expected him to say that he wasn't as keen as me but he is really vehement he wants to stop at two. His reasons

• doesn't want to go back to the baby stage again, he's done it twice and is sick of it.
• he wants to move on in his life and career (he has given up a lot and at home two days at the moment enabling me to work too). Our dd will be at school in a year and a half and he sees that as the time he will begin to do more of his own thing.
• money
• logistics of having three ie bigger car, house, less flexibility with holidays etc.

God, I understand all of these reasons but I feel gutted. I had more or less started choosing names. he realises how much I wanted it but was totally honest about the fact he really doesn't want it. And I respect him for that but feel hugely resentful and angry and just miserable today.

I don't usually do these kinds of posts - can anyone make me feel better?

Here are some statements I have heard my brother make:

"We are not calling the baby Matthew" (baby is called Matthew)
"We are not having a third baby" (third baby is due end of April).

I'm sure my brother's reasons were very similar to your dp's, house size less of an issue possibly. Part of my SIL's reasoning was she didn't want to discover when she was 42 she was desperate for a third child and have a much bigger gap with the other two.

puddle vry good reasons. YOu eed to knwo that you can deal with him striving ahead with his career, perhaps gving up someof you work (if you can afford it) if you want another baby. I can understand where is his coming from. You do already have two (says the woman with 4)

beetroot I can understand it too. But it doesn't help really.

Thanks Tribpot - don't think he's going to change his mind. I think that's why I'm so upset. Our chat last night was an attempt to finally make a decision - I am 40 later this year and I don't want to leave it any later re: gap between children.

I feel like the final decision has been made now and I have to accept it and move on. But it's really hard - am feeling so sad about it.

I have four and I still feel sad I won't have any more. I have a 5yo, a 3yo and 9mnth dts. My oldest is a girl, and then I've had three boys. I would love another girl, but there is no way on earth dp would agree to it, and really it isn't pratical. I think it gets easier as they get older tho. I wasn't really considering more before I fell for the dts. I was gettign through the nappy stage and the sleepsless nights, and starting to get my life back a little bit. I'm pretty sure that once the twins are older I'll feel the same again, and the broodiness will pass.

loads of thread son why three is nicer

its a gang thats why i like it
we are a team

The problem with men is that they just don't have that hormone driven, inbuilt "need" to have babies that many women do. I'm not saying all women feel like this, but lots do. I know I certainly did - it was such an intense "need" it hurt. I'm expecting no. 3 in a few weeks, and I hope this feeling goes away because this really is our last one. Have you told him exactly how you feel? I explained to my dh how important it was to me, and how unhapy I would be if we didn't. We compromised - he'd have been happy to stick at two, I would probably go on and have four - so three it is. Yes, having a third is going to be a bit of an upheaval, but in the long term it feels right. We both come from families of three though, so it's easier for us both to invisage having three children, I suppose.

I think he does know Rosie. He put off talking to me properly about it for ages because he knew how disappointed I would be.

I think the fact that he is from a family of three yet isn't particularly close to either sibling has something to do with it actually. he doesn't get the gang thing.

The essential difference between us is

Me "I adore our kids, they are fantastic and I want to have another one"
Him " I adore our kids, they are fantastic, why would I want to have another one"

I dunno, I can sort of see where he's coming from. No offense, puddle. Hope you don't take it that way.

I just see having kids as a joint decision, and BOTH parties' needs must be considered and respected.

We have two as well, and we're both in agreement that this is enough for us, one of the reasons is that we also want to move on in our lives and careers.

We're blessed w/our kids. But at the end of the day, we have to be ourselves, too.

I grew up and moved 7,000 miles away from my family. We're close, don't get me wrong, but last night I was thinking, 'Man, they grow up. They grow up and sometimes they move far, far away. And where will I be in all that?'

I know it's hard to accept, but as the chief breadwinner for our family, it's easy for me to see where some of these partners and husbands are coming from.

Expat I agree with everything you've posted.

I am the chief breadwinner in our family by the way - which makes me even more understanding of his POV as he has downscaled to enable me to work.

So why do I feel so resentful towards him?

It's the first time ever we have disagreed about something important.

I feel like you do Puddle. I haven't even attempted to discuss with DH about 3rd one but I know he doesn't want one.

I understand the sadness you feel, it goes to the core of me thinking that I might not have a third one.

Fried of mine has three and she feels sad that she might never have a fourth so makes me wonder if it just never ends? That you keep wanting another regardless?

friend even

I really wanted four but dh only wanted one. We compromised on having a second but I yearned for a third and dh was adamant. It did pass, that desperation, and I was just starting to think about life moving on when hey presto I fell for dd3(while on the pill)! If he is adamant I don't think you can force it and your pain (which I know is very real btw) will eventually go away. I just kept being grateful for my two lovely children and acknowledging that I would have liked more but it wasn't going to be.

Good question, puddle. Personally, I think I'd look into getting some counselling. It's grieving, even if it's just for an idea, a value, for something that won't come to pass, etc.

I have really great parents. But one thing that really stands out is what a high value they placed on their relationship throughout parenting us. B/c, as my dad pointed out, he married my mum first, before we came along, and still would be with her even if they didn't have kids. And she's still there after we're grown up and moved on.

So when problems arose between them, they always put a really high value on sorting those out first.

Thanks Kate - it does help to know it passes - typical that you then get pregnant.

expat you are right - dp said to me last night 'it's not like it's a real child, it's a hypothetical child' but it feels real to me, I can almost see it.

God, I'm starting to sound like a deranged broody woman.

And of course I already have two completely gorgeous kids. It's not the biggest problem in the world - need to get it into perspective I think.