Do I do anything about this or not?

[wheeliebin]

Regular mumsnetter who has changed her name in case my friend lurks on here.

I am very good friends with a mum at school and our daughters are in the same class. My dd is very easy going and happy go lucky, my friend's dd is fairly hard going and very very bossy.

I am worried that my friendship with the mum has forced my dd into a friendship that she wouldn't have chosen. My friend's, let's call her Becky, wants my dd to play with her all the time. Becky nags at dd constantly to do what she wants to do, she hates it if dd plays with anyone else. Today my dd ended up in tears because Becky repeatedly told the teacher that dd wouldn't play with her and then chased her around the playground moaning at her.

My dd is normally very good about it and tends to just switch off if Becky goes on too much, but I'm concerned that it's obviously getting to her if she is ending up in tears.

So my dilemma is, what can I do about it, if anything? Obviously, I don't want to upset my friend but at the same time, it is more important to me that dd is happy at school. Any thoughts?

I am in a similar situation. There is this couple who have been very nice to us and very helpful when we first moved here, they always invite us over and cook big meals for us, etc, but their dd is a cow, very bossy and is always telling dd that she is not her friend, she never plays with her, etc. Yet she is as nice as pie to her when her parents are around!

I have told dd not to play with her. To walk away when she approaches and find other friends to play with. It is possible to be friends with the parents without the children having to be friends too. Tell your dd to stick up for herself, say no when this girl asks her to play. If she tells her parents (which I doubt she will), you can tell them that your dd simply finds her too bossy. They will know this anyway and if they are good friends they won't be offended.

Can you talk to the teacher and make her aware of the dynamics of the relationship? If she teaches them both then she will probably realise that your dd is easygoing and Becky has a tendency to be bossy.

Not sure what the teacher could/would do though - perhaps use Circle Time as a time to discuss sharing friends/being bossy/making decisions etc.

Nothing that might help. Sorry!

I can only say that this is all part and parcel of school and growing up. I dont think you can do anything except encourage your DD to make other friends elsewhere ie afterschool clubs etc.

I certainly wouldnt take issue with your friend about it, i dont see what she would be able to do anyway. Subtle suggestions about her DD broadening her base of friends is the only thing i can think of.

How old is you DD.

i have had this problem - in that my DD has made friends a school, and due to this I have become great friends with a couple of the mums.
However DD's friendships have ( naturally ) dwindled .... I think that the mums and I have recognised this - but tried NOT to get too involved.
politely I have refused suggested playdates - using excuses like :
Homework, after school clubs etc .... but stayed friends with the MUm.

It does seem to work OK ...

HTH

I was concerned about a friendship my ds had with another boy at school, whenever the two of them get together they just seem to cause trouble.
The teacher was very helpful, said she had already noticed and that whenever the class was doing group work they were put into seperate groups. This has meant that ds has had the opportunity to make other friendships. I wonder if this would help?

we have a similar problem with our DD and neighbours 2 DD's. the one is exactly how u described rhubarb and the youngest one who is only 2, hits my DD in the face for no reason and the parents are oblivious to it. the kid hits her mum in the face and mum just laughs. i have to say that i have never met such spoilt miserable children in my life. they are always crying if they cant get their own way and our house is semi-detatched and most nights their kids are crying and screaming all night.
i have a 5 month old baby that cries less than her 2 (2yrs and 4 yrs) and he sleeps better too!
its so annoying isnt it. i dont want to fall out with the mother but they are so oblivious to it.
to be honest whenever she invited us around or asks if DD want to go and play with her kids. i make excuses not to go. i think shes got the message now.

They are both 8.

Part of the problem, I think, is that Becky has very few friends because her bossy nature has put other children off. My dd's best friend is having a party next week and I know Becky hasn't been invited because several other people wouldn't attend if she was there.

It is a shame and I do feel sorry for her, but she is hard work. Her mum is well aware of what her dd is like, but I guess it is never nice to think that your kids aren't popular.

I encourage my dd to play with whoever she wants at school and she is getting better at asserting herself, she tends to try and keep the peace and mediate between Becky and the others.

My DD has a friend who is SO bossy - she has a rota of who can play with her and when ... all the other girls are terrified of her .... bit like emperor's new clothes .... no-one dare speak up .....

Soon put my dd right

The child wheeliebin is talking about sounds exactly like my niece.. there is constantly parties and things going on that she isn't invited to as she is just plain bossy by nature. Her mother sees what she is like, but no matter what she says to her, she is a different child when her mother isn't there!