How do I talk about death to my son?

[Distel]

He is 6. He is very worried about dying at the moment. I don't know what has put the idea into his head but I know they have been talking about it at school yesterday but he has been upset for about a week (before they started back at school).
It started off with bed time being a problem, he would lie awake and worry and get a tummy ache (due to the worrying I think) but he has started waking in the night and having bad dreams. When I picked him up from school yesterday he told me they had had a class discussion about it, so weather the teacher thought it was best to get it out in the open as something has happened to make a few of the children talk about it or it is just a subject they are covering...I don't know but I have an appointment to speak with her after school today.

Anyway, bedtimes are now a dister, we have atleast an hour of crying and getting up and while during the day he can be quite sensible about things, when he gets tired he is so irrational and hysterical that nothing seems to make any sense to him. Sorry this is muddled and rambled, but if anyone can help with advice of how they have helpped their children I would be so grateful.

Forgot to say he believes that when you die you go to heaven and live as a n angel but he only thinks that old people die.

Oh your poor DS.

DH and me agreed that when we were 6 yrs old that it was only old people who died.
I learnt at 8 that everyone dies because my 8 yr old friend died.
However, up until then I was told that it was when peoples bodies got too tired and worn out, so they died. You went to Heaven and became an angel. I used to try looking for my friend up in the clouds!

I'd ask the teacher why they are talking about it, and see if she can say something in class that can put it back in to proportion.

just sit and talk to him about it. Talk about all the people you know who have died, and all those who haven't - ie emphasise that is not likely anyone he is very close to will die in the near future (including him). Talk to him about the things that can happen by accident - but emphasise that they are not common, which is why they make the news etc - if it happened all the time then there would be no point in reporting it.

Let him ask questions. Ask him how it makes him feel and what is upsetting him about it. Be as honest as you can.

Mine started asking around the age of 4. How do you answer questions you can't really answer and how do you protect them from worrying? I have settled for being as honest as I can and give as short simple answers as I can. We are not religious, so I haven't gone down the "go to heaven"-path eventhough I sometimes think it's a nice thing to tell children and it probably give them comfort. I tell my children that mostly old people die when they are very old, but young people and children can die too and then it's very sad and it's very rare. I tell them honestly that not even grownups know for sure what happens when we die. I ask them what THEY think happens. My DD who is 7 has heard about heaven from others so has settled for believing in heaven which is fine. My DS1 who is 4.5 is more worried about not being able to "come back"and of "diseappearing". I think most of us find it quite unsettling when children ask about death and especially about themselves dying because of course it's what we ourselves fear the most. One of my friend's daughters was very worried about dying and if she had something wrong with her. In the end my friend took her to the GP who gave her a check-up. Of course it was nothing wrong, but the GP was happy to check her over and reassure her. Ithik we should always take our children seriously.

We are not religeous either but he sems to enjoy stories from the bible but he knows that not everyone believes in god. I have tried to talk to him about it but he gets quite clammed up and says that he is not worried but I know him well enough to see just from looking in his eyes that he his but I can;t force it out of him. I have given him chances to talk about it but he mainly ends up asking questions about the bible like why people don't believe in god.

I had to tell dd about death when she was 3 afer my mum's dog died, and I decided that I would tell her the truth, as far as I felt she could understand it. I told her that sometimes, when an animal is really, really old or really, really poorly, their bodies can't work any more, and so they die. It means we can never see them again, and that makes us sad, but we can still think about them all the time and remember all the happy things about them. Her next question was whether people died too, and I told her that they did, but reinforced that it usually only happens when someone is very old. She's now 4.5 and the question has come up a few times, and we simply deal with her questions as honestly as we can without going into detail that would upset or frighten her.

We didn't go down the heaven route because I don't believe it, and because children are very literal; I know that if I had told my dd that people who die go somewhere else, she would want to know why she couldn't go and visit them and when they were going to be coming back. For me it didn't feel as if it communicated the finality of death enough and I felt that telling her about angels sitting on clouds would confuse her with concepts that are even harder to understand than death is.

This is a really big one isn't it and I'm already wondering how I'm going to deal with it! I remember the day I realised I would die one day (can't remember my age) and sitting on the bottom step at home with my mum, talking about it. I remember feeling that although I felt better because I'd had a cuddle and chat, my mum for the first time ever, had not been able to 'make it all better'. It's such a profound realisation, that even your mum cannot protect you from everything.

I suppose all we can do is what you are already doing distel, which is to listen and explain as you have done. The child just has to make that adjustment in their head, that we all die someday but have to get on living in the meantime!. I'm sure your son will in time - he sounds very sensitive and thoughtful which will make him a lovely person but makes life a bit tricky sometimes!

My mum never told me that people go to heaven or become angels - not religious at all, and I just thought from very young that people just finish. I don't think it would have made it easier to think about heaven or angels - but I don't know. I tell my son about father christmas and I know that's not true! My worry with telling him people go to heaven is that when do I tell him I don't believe it is true? Or that nobody knows?

My just turned four year old has the same anxiety. We tried the heavenly angels route (despite our own beliefs) but he hated the idea (wouldn't be seen dead there, in other words!). We tried the line where you say it usually happens when you get old and sick and tired and worn out and need a long rest, but when he saw his Granma a few days later, he said a little too breezily, "Hello, Granma, you're going to die soon 'cos you're old!" Now, tbh I've just told him that there are too many people to meet, places to explore, adventures to have and things to learn and we're far too busy to bother with dying. This explanation has worked and he's stopped having the little panic attacks/bad dreams etc.
I suppose it's a question of acknowledging the fear but keeping things light??

very wise lionhearted and I love your sons view of heaven! Have to say as a kid I never liked the idea of dying and going to heaven etc - sounded boring, would far rather be in THIS world thank you very much.