What makes a bad house guest?

[louton]

We've entertained the same couple (old friends from university) for the last four or five new years. They tend to stay for two or three nights. They have two children aged 4 and 2 (both boys).

I think they are awful houseguests. Apart from the need to have a RANT about this, I wondered what everyone else's experience is? Particularly, do you expect to modify your behaviour in other people's houses? (I do).

Here's a list of crimes....

1. Bathing their baby at 6am, just because that's what they do at home, and making lots of loud sound effects (before we had our children)

2. Breaking things and not telling us about it

3. Making excessive amounts of noise in the morning (lying in bed with their children singing at 5-6am rather than taking the children downstairs, allowing the children to play on the landing at 5am)

4. Not respecting the rules of our house (we don't walk on the oat-coloured stair carpet in muddy or wet shoes and we don't allow our children into the adult sitting room unsupervised. Whether you agree with that or not, those are the rules - the kids have a playroom).

I could go on and on...

I'm sick to death of having them every year, it's exhausting, and I spend the entire time cooking and cleaning. We always plan a full day of activites around their children (as they are older than ours), we stock their favorite food and we buy craft activities in case it rains.

What I resent most is their (unsaid) view that I'm being unreasonable in expecting them to live, at least in part, by our rules.

Next year they will have to find someone else to piss off!

I wouldn't have them back.

They sound like nightmares! Any redeeming features or just mental larks with a penchant for filthiness?

they are fundamentally good people.

We've known them 16 years.

They live in a very small house, we live in a large (ish) house. Their house is easier to keep clean/tidy because there's less space to mess up. Their boys see unlimited opportunity for mess in our house.

Their elder son is very badly behaved and has a control problem with food. Mealtimes are very miserable for everyone.

They are ditched next year - still friends obviously, but I'm not playing waitress next time (nor picking up their discarded nappies from the floor)

Does sound like a nightmare.

Have you told them yet?

Sounds to me like you are coming from totally opposite ends of a scale and neither family is making enough of a move towards middle ground on areas that can be compromised.

You feel you are bedning over backwards becayse of cooking fave foods, etc. Why bother? Cook a mixture of things they like and things you like.

You clearly want your house to remain in its immaulate state whilst they are with you; IME that's simply not possible when you have houseguests and you need to take a chill pill over tidiness but could perhaps suggest that when the children go to bed, there's a 'tidy up time' by everyone so you can relax for the evening.

Breakages and not telling is simply not on; I could prob (and have) lived with guests getting their kids up at the crack of dawn and waking up the rest of the household.

Ultimately though you might find you drift away from these people because you can't find a middle ground. BTDT. With friends we'd known for years and now have no contact whatsoever with.

1 - not a problem if they were being quiet (which they weren't)
2 - unacceptable. Breaking things is "OK", not telling you is not.
3 - unacceptable. We've taken our children and those of the host downstairs to play quietly before.
4 - sitting on the fence on this one. some house rules need to be relaxed when you have guests.

I dont think they sound too bad

what makes a bad houseguest IMO are:
people that don't bring anything when they come to stay
people that are rowing permananently
people that are miserable
people that talk about themselves the whole time

I like people to feel relaxed and to do what they want when they come and stay. People's 'rules' are never the same as yours. Sounds like you really shouldn't have them to stay as you aren't up for it.

people do occasionally break things and we have had an incidence of someone being sick all over our brand new cream carpet then trying to disguise it by tipping calpol over it - the stain never came out and we had to replace the whole carpet.

Still friends with her though

over sick incident. You are a very forgiving person!

People's rules are very different aren't they? I don't mind at all if people bring nothing (even flowers or alcohol) with them although but it's great if you go out food shopping and they pick up the bill.

I like my house to be my veriosn of tidy but I can live with toy/paper mess as long as wet mess (e..g spilt drinks/food) is cleared up immediately.

I hate people stripping the beds when they leave because it leaves me with a massive laundry pile whereas I'd rather deal with it over a ocuple of days by stripping the beds myself. Doesn't stop me stripping the beds when I go elsewhere though because I think it's expected.

I think a bad house guest is someone who deliberately goes out of their way not to bother to try and go along with what you want. It's a matter of consideration for the other person and it may take a bit of negotiation. It sounds like your friends aren't necessarily deliberately infringing your house rules, but are just a bit thoughtless.

Why don't you go to theirs instead? I know it's smaller, but let them be the hosts for once.

ooh no I like people to strip the beds

lol at the poster who is assuming I want my house to remain immaculate! Who said anything about immaculate?

I can put up with the mess to a certain point, shoes everywhere, toys, stuff that can be cleared up if needs be.

What I can't put up with is mud on the carpets, odd stains on the wallpaper (requiring repainting
), soaking wet bathroom floor, I could go on forever!

When I say I cook their favorite food, I'm talking about the children, obviously, not the parents. I think everyone gets a selection of kiddie food in when they know what their friends' children will eat, don't they?

We don't go to their house as often because they use our house as a base to visit relatives (we live in Scotland and so do the husband's relatives, but they don't want to stay with the rellies). They visit their rellies three times a year, we probably go to their house once, which is mainly because they only have two small bedrooms and there are eight people to find beds for.

I think we've always been very very considerate towards them, I'm just rather tired of dreading the new year holiday period and need a break from them (so does my house)

DON'T be afraid to appear rude not having them back!

We had a 'pest guest' a few years ago who: smoked in our home when we asked her not to (I was also 5 months pregnant), phoned mobiles from our landline (we had to put a block on our phone), let one of our cats into the stair, sat on our other cat, mooched all our food, etc.

We kicked her out and have no regrets.

I'm intrigued.... what do people break??

As long as you have made your rules clear, then I think you are within your rights to say something... I'm assuming that they do know that children don't go in the sitting room, that you want them downstairs in the mornings to play, and not just that they don't like to get up and make noise trundling downstairs, so think they are doing the right thing?

god i wouldn't have them back, they are taking the piss imo and using you as a free hotel if I've understood correctly about the coming to stay so they don't have to stay with their relatives. Cheeky, very cheeky imo. I don't care much about mess but I can't stand having people to stay who don't lift a finger or who drink lots of wine without bringing any at all. Most of my friends absolutely muck in with clearing up and cooking but one friend who came a couple of years ago when we lived in Devon to stay a few days sat down when she got there and more or less didn't get up again leaving me to look after my child and hers. I was pg at the time too. She has servants where she lives normally so I think it didn't occur to her actually that I didn't

I really don't think noise at 6am is on, if your children aren't up then theirs ought to be taken downstairs, NOT bathed. And singing would make me shout, sounds awful. I wouldn't have them again, ever.

Oh and same friend who spent days sitting on her arse at my house then not only did the same to a mutual friend but she said to mutual friend "I'm off out tonight, I'll leave you to put x (her dd) to bed, one more won't make any difference, will it?" !!!! Mutual friend has 3 children AND is a single parent so er, yes, one more DID make a difference. This woman is a very cheeky mare now I think about it.

there are some truly inconsiderate people out there, aren't there?

i was brought up w/it hammered into my head what makes a good house guest. simple: leave everything in even better condition than you found it.

i don't think a host should relax their rules when i'm their guest - if i don't like their rules the onus is on me to find alternate lodging arrangements which suit me better. if i cannot afford such accommodation, then i can't afford the trip.

I don't think you are unreasonable, if their visit leaves you pissed off and resentful then it might be best for the relationship to meet them somewhere else?

We have our own nightmare family who

• arrive and bring nothing. Not even nappies, change of clothes for their kids, nothing. 'ooh there's no point is there as you have everything we need!'
• let their kids run around and absolutely trash the house. Books pulled out of bookcase and left on the floor, DVDs, toys, etc. Parents ignore it and never attempt to tidy up
• kids raid the fridge and helpt themselves to anything they see and leave half-eaten biscuits, apples, juice cartons on my sofas..
• parents sit at the table waiting to be served and moan about their nanny or cleaner or uber-expensive private school that doesn't appreciate little x's talent... I'll stop there shall I...Boy that felt good to write down!

THis thread is fascinating reading - chiefly becuase i cant work out why anybody would even consider allowing such terrible guests into their home more than once.

I find this interesting reading because a) we were recently guests at a friend's house for the first time, with kids. I think we were ok houseguests ... and b) we're about to change from 3 bedrooms to 6+ and will hence be able to have houseguests again ...

I just want guests to seem a bit appreciative. Whether they do that by cooking a meal, paying for something, bringing something, helping out with the kids, depends on their resources, talents and inclinations. I guess I did ok with our friends that way, as I helped with party food, and brought booze. And did help out a bit with her kids, although I think I could have, and should have, done more.

Louton - My house is tiny and a tip! There is less room so it always looks cluttered, whereas my friend who also has 2 kids of roughly the same age has lots more room for storage etc and a playroom so their house is tidier. Weird huh? Small house - cluttered, big house - tidy,

Anyway, why on earth have you continued to invite them if they are so awful? I can see that they'd like to keep their baby in the routine it's used to etc, but I think most people would modify it when they are at someone elses place wouldn't they? It's just being polite isn't it? Can't you talk to them rather than messing up such a long friendship?

Personally, I was brought up to respect the "rules" in other peoples' homes .... whether or not you agree with them. To that end, on arrival, I ask if there's anything they'd like me to do/not to do etc., and this gives people the opportunity to say their piece even if it's something seemingly a bit ludicrous like "don't sit in that chair as it's xyz's".

Like expat, there shouldn't be any evidence you've been there .... I empty out bins in our room and wouldn't dream of leaving dirty nappies about. If I've forgotten anything, I ask before I help myself to moisturiser, or whatever, and always bring a gift in appreciation of the invite and/or, offer to cook a meal, buy a takeaway etc.

To me, it's the old thing of treating others how you'd like to be treated yourself ....... if guests offer to help at my house, I usually say "don't be silly" but the intention behind them asking is the important thing for me, which shows they're not taking you for granted, as opposed to the actual help itself.

But obviously, not everyone's been brought up like that. I really couldn't bear to have repeated visits from someone who offered no acknowledgement of the favour you're doing for them. It doesn't take much to be clean, tidy and considerate - or it shouldn't do. I don't expect gifts, but I do expect manners. That probably makes me sound very old fashioned and prim but no way do a few basic manners stop anyone having fun.

Whether or not I'd feel brave enough to confront thoughtless friends like these I don't know ? It's a difficult one because if they're used to visiting regularly, excuses like illness in the family etc could probably only be used once, or twice at most. Then again, to say it like it is could offend them. Think I might take the coward's way out and write .... explain I don't want to cause offence, but have to be honest and confess that I've found past visits stressful when my house "rules" weren't adhered to. I'd be diplomatic and say that this could well be my fault because I've never really advised what these were but stuff like x,y & z were important to me and ask if they could bear this in mind next time they come. Say stuff like you could only be this frank with true friends who wouldn't get all huffy and that you're looking forward to seeing them etc.