what to say to friend

[fancyhat]

not sure what I'm going to ask except for general mn wisdom. I have just spoken to a friend of mine who had her first baby about a week ago and I'm worried. The baby wasn't planned and I think it took a while for it all to sink in. She is not from the UK so has no family - although has her dp's family. I think she's probably has got very little money. She had a horrible birth with long labour followed by ceasarian. She then had to go back into hospital and had a horrid time with midwives plonking the baby on her every 2 hours. She is still finding b-feeding difficult. But the main thing is she seems to have no joy about the baby at all - which is not something I can relate to. I was very lucky with dd1 - yes it was all a shock but I had massive floods of hormones that caused me to bond with her immediately - I was on a real cloud. She's not totally negative - but neither is she particularly positive. I know there are plenty of people with similar experiences - but I'm not one of them - so I guess my q is what are the right things for me to say? If you were in her shoes and you had a friend with a more positive experience what would you want to hear?

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The best thing you can do is offer as much help and support as possible. I believe after a cs you cant do much heavy work so any offers of help with stuff im sure she would welcome. Including taking baby off for a cuddle (if she is happy for you to)

As to what to say - well - anything that might make her feel inferior for not having a vaginal birth would obviously be a big no no i should think. Encourage her to talk about it. Try not to make her feel you are making comparisons between both of your experiences. Accept that she might feel guilty - but - she has had major surgery but both her and baby are safe and thats whats important.

Thats as much as i can say on it really.

Lastly - tell her about MN and how great it is for support and advice where there are lots of women who have had experiences like hers.

I think I agree about mn - I'm really not sure she knows anyone with babies - certain she didn't do NCT and fairly sure she didn't make any friends in NHS ante-natal classes. Possibly both in part due to the baby not being planned. I really feel for her - I think she might be very lonely - wish I was nearer

I secind what Pruni says, the first six weeks are just to be got through, tiring,exhausting, soul destroying. After that it tends to get much better.
the same goes for breastfeeding too.
as for bonding - well i didn't feel that RUSH of love that other people describe for many weeks. (Didn't bother me, btw/.) I think it takes a little time for some women to fall in love with their babies. God knows I love them both beyond all reason now.
I would tell her to take one day at a time. that her feelings are normal. that it will get better. That she shoujld take every offer of help that come her way. That she should REST REST REST and give her body and mind time to recover.
hth

i don't remember any flood of joy at all - just that here was a baby and i just had to get on with it. but i had a lot of support which helped the joy come eventually. this sounds really tough for her. does she have a partner? the thought of no family, no antenatal group, no contacts makes me feel quite cold.

i was hypersensitive about all comments so IME the most useful word in the world is 'mmmm'. if you can avoid saying anything at all about your experience i would, unless she specifically asks. but do encourage her to talk about everything if you can. try and see her face to face.

if very worried, if you know her GP practice then a letter to her GP or health visitors should have an effect - obviously they should not actually discuss her but some will take phone info too.

I typed a long post, then MN froze up on me and I lost it! So, here we go again!

You could have been describing me after my dd was born. Horrible birth, long labour, emergency Caesarean - and for the first two months or so I was in the psychotic hell that Pruni describes.

I can remember my MIL coming in to see me in the hospital on about day 3 then going home and ringing my dh to tell him that I was cold to the baby, I wasn't speaking to her, I wasn't showing her any affection, I wasn't paying her any attention ... I was paying her attention but I was almost on auto-pilot, just doing as much for dd as I had to, because physically I wasn't up to much more than that. I was tired beyond belief, in a great deal of pain, and didn't know where I was to a fortnight. The last thing on my mind was showing joy to my MIL and anyone else about the baby - I was just trying to get through the days (and nights) as best I could.
I won't say I didn't bond with dd, but I certainly didn't love her for the first couple of months. I would have walked over hot coals to protect her because she couldn't protect herself, but I didn't love her and I guess you could say I had no joy about the baby either. It's hard to feel joy when you are tired, sore and struggling to feed when your baby wants to feed for England.

All I can tell you is that it passes. For me, dd settled, I got to know her and eventually to love her. The first couple of months really don't bear any relation to the rest of being a mother. You should also bear in mind that a Caesarean is actually pretty major surgery and can take a long while to recover from.

thanks everyone. When I said "the main thing is she seems to have no joy" what I meant is not that it's my main concern - I know plenty of new mums are like this and that it is totally normal. I meant it's the main thing that gets in the way of me knowing what to say. I had lots of teh negative stuff - horrid birth, difficult time breast-feeding etc but mother nature saw fit to provide me with the right balance of hormones that saw me through. Thinking about it to be on cloud 9 in those circumstances is arguably more indicative of a not-quite-right mental state than feeling a bit down and worried! So I can relate on some levels but not on others iswim.

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