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Original poster

a major dose of the green eyed monster.....

22 replies

Mirage · 28/12/2005 14:18

Yesterday we went up north to see SIL.On the way we popped in to see DH's best friend who has recently moved house.It was a beautiful house in a gated development,4 beds,4 baths & there are only him & his GF living in it.

After that we went to see SIL who has also recently moved house.Her house is a big detached 4 bed 4 bath new build,everything in perfect condition & spotless.MIL was there too & kept on at me about it,saying 'isn't it big?Isn't it lovely?Look at the lounge,isn't it huge?'

I came home to our little 3 bed semi feeling awfully discontented & ashamed of our house.It is tiny compared to theirs,with only 1 bathroom,a kitchen that is older than me & a bathroom that is falling off the wall.

We do live in a beautiful location & I was looking forward to inviting DH's friend & the in laws to visit when we have done it up a bit,but now I'm too ashamed of it to want to bother.They'd probably be shocked that 4 of us lived in such a small house & that it is such a dump.

I know that I'm lucky to have somewhere to live at all-there are plenty of people who don't,but I can't help losing heart as I look around at the total mess our house is in.

Someone please give me a kick up the backside & tell me to count my blessings.

OP posts:

mancmum · 28/12/2005 14:22

count your blessings!! Love people and use things!

I would rather live in a tent with my kids than live in a mansion without them..

flashingnose · 28/12/2005 14:22

It sounds from your post that you're the kind of person who will see the good points in any given situation. Therefore, I would allow yourself to have a good wallow in your (understandable) jealousy, then pick yourself up, hug your children whilst looking out of the window at your beautiful location and realise there's more to life than two bathrooms and built in wardrobes.

hativity · 28/12/2005 14:25

don't think in terms of a house - think in terms of a home. Good homes aren't to do with how many bathrooms you've got. People talk a lot about the atmosphere of a place - the little things that make people relax, that show that your kids are happy, that mean guests feel welcome, at home and enjoy your company. How at home do people feel if their host is worrying about the new cream carpets?

daisiesinaline · 28/12/2005 14:26

I visited BIL over Xmas and they have a HUGE house too, beautifully decorated, all the mod cons, expensive TVs etc. And I felt myself thinking 'not fair, not fair'. I came home to my 3 bed semi too.

But hey. What makes a home? Certainly not all that stuff. I would rather be in a small house that is full to burst with kids and laughter and toys than in a huge expensive spotless house with no children. How empty must that feel? When they come to visit, I would concentrate on showing off your children and the happiness you all have.

rummum · 28/12/2005 14:26

you say up north.... are the houses cheaper up there??

MyXmasPuddingSixpenceworth · 28/12/2005 14:44

Stuff does not matter. At all. Comparing your lot to what others have will only leave you dissatisfied. No matter how much you have, there will always be people with more, you cannot live your life comparing yourself to others. You have a home, a family, good health (I hope).

Do up your house - for you - if it makes you happy but not to make it a show home for others!

What matters is the people in the house, not the house itself, so invite people in, make them welcome and have a good time. Anyone who wants to go around examining your house instead of enjoying your company is not worth bothering about!

MrsSpoon · 28/12/2005 14:45

Imagine having to keep four bathrooms clean!

TurkeyGang · 28/12/2005 14:54

Aww, go on, have a wallow! I know how you feel and it makes me feel even more guilty when I get into situations like that to realise that I can be just the teensiet bit materialistic after all - despite the sermons about it all to the children

Just think, perhaps your SIL goes through the same agonies when she visits someone with more than her... Little fleas have bigger fleas upon their back to bite 'em, and bigger fleas have larger fleas and so on infinitum(something like that anyway!)

Sleighmenere · 28/12/2005 14:55

Look there is 4 of us living in a 2 bed flat. And I know that I am far better off than many here on mumsnet. Someone the other day was talking about how fab their Christmas had been and listing what their kids had gotten and been delighted with. And it was so much less that we had that it made me really grateful for all that I had. Mumsnet is good for stuff like that because you talk to people that you normally may not.

ImdreadinganAUTIExmas · 28/12/2005 19:41

healthy kids?

We have a large (trashed needs huge amounts of work will be nice in 20 years time) 4 bed house. And a ds1 who will never live independently. I'd swap the house for a tent if someone told me that would give him speech. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, but then I put him on his school bus in the morning and there are two very, very severely disabled children on there, and I find a good kick up the backside has been administered.

charlietherednosedpussy · 28/12/2005 19:43

She is probably a bit green about your happy little home...while she stumbles round her big empty house wondering why she has so many bedrooms when she really doesnt need them

koalabear · 28/12/2005 19:45

many lonely people live in big houses - many people in big houses live there whole lives with no laughter, no happiness, and nothing to smile about

rather live in a small house

WideWebWitch · 28/12/2005 19:48

Mirage, I know what you mean - I have various (actually loads of them now I think about it) of friends who have bigger houses than mine and an awful lot of them have no mortgages too, so their houses are not only bigger than mine but they're paid for! And occasionally I come back from one of these visits and feel envious BUT then I force myself to count my blessings: I have an awful lot to be grateful for and I know it. One friend has a lovely house but her husband left a while back; another has a controlling husband who I couldn't be with in a million years, and some of them are really, genuinely happy and I am happy for them. But it doesn't stop some envy creeping in sometimes. Don't worry about inviting them though, they will come to see you, not your house and actually, being happy is way, way more important than having things.

WideWebWitch · 28/12/2005 19:49

Hey, and we are renting so if you own yours (which has one more bedroom than ours and we have 2 children too) then you're better off than me in that regard. Does that help?

NatTheMincePieHound · 28/12/2005 19:50

I must say, a small house is much easier to manage. We've lived in small houses and I always wanted a bigger one. Now we've got a bigger one, it's ridiculous! I have a terrible time keeping it clean. I can't wait to get transfered somewhere else and get a nice manageable house. I liked the post that said, "Love people, use things". It's very true.
Having said that, jealousy is normal, and we all feel it from time to time. I am jealous of those houses that are always perfectly put together, but then I come home and realize, "This is not a museum, it's a house, and we're a family". Your house is where you LIVE with your family and as long as you're all happy and healthy, sod the rest of it.
Indulge yourself for about five seconds, and then move on. Ha ha, I watched Lost last night, and I like that philosophy!

noddyholder · 28/12/2005 19:56

The size of your house is irrelevant it is the happiness in it that counts,I live in a 3 bed semi and it has been full of lovely people and thats what makes a home.Don't resent them for their house they probably have worked hard for it and deserve it so let them show it off but it is meaningless in the big picture Appreciate what you've got as it sounds like you are very lucky If you are healthy and happy you have everything

bossykate · 28/12/2005 20:06

i also succumb to the green-eyed monster - give myself pats on the back for not being status obsessed and materialistic - but it is not entirely true! i hate the fact that i can be so envious of others when i've got so much to be thankful for.

so i understand where you're coming from...

ok, you want to do your place up a bit anyway - so assuming you have the means, why not make getting on with your home improvements one of your goals for 2006?

if for whatever reason you don't want to make tarting up the place a priority for the coming year, i would say invite your friends and the ILs anyway. i bet they will be of your beautiful location!

the sort of people who look down their noses at how big your house is are utterly naff and not worth knowing anyway!

new builds are so...

agree with everyone else - acknowledge your feelings, then count your blessings, move on, and invite them anyway.

hth.

vickiyumyum · 28/12/2005 20:18

we all have moments of the green eyed monster, i used to at first with my friend who lives in a big four bed 3 bath house with a huge conservatory and landscaped gardens, driving his and hers expensive cars. then i realised just how unhappy and materialistic her life was, it all revolves around money. being seen in the right labels, the right places etc etc. and that her dp is a complete and utter tosser!! who at every oppurtunity reminds her that it is all his and he can take it away at any point.

i like my three bed semi, compared to the grotty 2 bed house we lived in when we first got married it is a palace.

i'm sure that once christmas is over you will be much happier and realise that you have a lovely family and a good life. be assured you aare perfectly normal to experience jealousy!

Tinker · 28/12/2005 20:20

at having a 3-bed semi...

KBearthePolarBear · 28/12/2005 20:24

When I was young my mum sometimes said she felt a bit jealous of her "scruffy little house" (for scruffy, read warm, comfortable and inviting and not in the least scruffy!) after visiting a couple of their friends who each had massive houses and flash cars, dining tables that sat 12 etc.

I later found out that one of their friends was a bit of a "geezer" and one night their house was raided by the police looking for stolen goods, they took his wife and his teenage kids to the cells all night.

The other friend ended up in a two bed flat above a dry cleaners because he had got a huge mortgage, could no longer pay it when work dried up and they lost everything.

Horrible for them but my mum always told me there was alot to be said for a small but regular income, a mortgage you could afford to pay and a welcoming warm home. I bear that in mind when the green-eyed monster comes to call! I think we all feel like it sometimes.

mymama · 29/12/2005 10:11

Do they have a mortgage to match the size of their house??? My best friend has a huge house with pool etc just around the corner but she also has a mortgage 3 times the size of mine. I don't feel envious at all as I can afford to be a SAHM and a holiday this year and she can't even afford to have a child. Other thing to consider is their age. Are they older than you??? If so they have had more time working to build wealth to buy their homes. Perhaps at their age you may possibly be in same position. Agree with everyone else though - you can't beat a happy home with a loving family.

saadia · 29/12/2005 11:08

I would probably have the same reaction as you, and particularly when in Central London (round Regents Park) look at some of the houses and think how great it would be to live there but I also do realise that sometimes the things that you think will make you happy actually don't count for that much.

Good family relations and good health are two things to be immensely grateful for, and if you don't have those, no big expensive house can compensate.

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