Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Other subjects

Flip

Original poster

Xp bought ds home yesterday because he kept screaming

21 replies

FrostyTheRickman · 28/12/2005 11:26

Exp had the 3 eldest to stay on Boxing Day night and was supposed to have them all day yesterday. Ds was playing up and so he bought him back here and then took the other 2 to play in the snow. He did come back and collect him again later.

I have a problem with this on 2 levels and I just wondered what you thought.

Ds is a difficult child and I am currently waiting to get some sort of help for us, he spends a lot of time crying and screaming and it is very wearing. My HV thinks he has problems with his position in the family and his behaviour is mainly attention seeking and partly down to the fact that he didn't get enough attention from exp when he was little. I think that if that is the case, sending him home when he is playing up isn't really going to help.

My other problem with it is that I get very little time on my own and I don't have the option of sending them to exp's when they are playing up. Why should he pass the buck when they are being naughty? I can't.

Would be interested in your opinions.

OP posts:

tamba · 28/12/2005 11:28

I think as he is there father he should see all parts of parenting - the good and the bad, what you put up with every day and not just choose to have the nice bits.

As you say, you dont get to send him away when he is naughty so why should he.

feastofsteven · 28/12/2005 11:29

agree with you completely.

LIZS · 28/12/2005 11:36

Agree - exp has to accept that he can't just pick and choose which bits of his children's personalities he experiences. If he has them for a fixed period he should just get on with it, unless it's an issue of health or safety. Does he ever spend time with the children individually ?

Caligyulea · 28/12/2005 11:41

What a great opt-out.

Either he has the full monty or nothing, not this half-hearted pick and choose bollocks. If it's his contact time, he should deal with it. If he can't handle contact with his own children, he shouldn't have it.

Of course you're in the right - as usual!

Frostythesurfmum · 28/12/2005 11:48

From a step-mum's point of view, we wouldn't dream of sending dsd back to her mum when she plays up. What sort of message would that give her - we only want you when you're good? No, we love her warts and all. The only time we would take her back early was if she was asking to go and meant it.

compo · 28/12/2005 11:57

next time I would hide and not answer the doorbell!

moondog · 28/12/2005 12:04

Yeah,I wold hide too. This is out of order.
I even find dh handing our baby over with a 'He needs you' on occasion infuriating.

80sMum · 28/12/2005 12:37

Next time he has them, why not go out somewhere yourself? When exp comes to collect the children, let him know that you won't be in till he's due to deliver them back to you. Sounds like it's time he learned how to cope with the rough as well as the smooth.

Grumpymama · 28/12/2005 13:18

he's a spoiled git (xp of course)

Original poster

FrostyTheRickman · 28/12/2005 18:18

Thanks for your replies. Sorry I haven't posted sooner, but I've had visitors this afternoon.

Part of me would love to just disappear and say that it isn't convenient to bring any of them back. I worry that I'd be sending out the wrong signal to ds though, wouldn't it seem that exp doesn't want him and I don't want him back?

If ds is feeling sensitive anyway, I'm pretty sure that feeling rejected won't help.

OP posts:

ladymuck · 28/12/2005 18:24

That's why it would be important for your ex to know that this wouldn't be an option - so that ds isn't seeing ex trying to pass him back to you early and failing.

Unfortunately I do think that you need to set some clear boundaries for you exh. Contacting you because of emergency is one thing, handling back a difficult child is something else (and is defeintely not an emergency).

Do feel for you though - its a tricky situation.

LoveMyGirls · 28/12/2005 18:35

i would say that if xp isnt prepared to look after them for the time set then surely he is breaking his agreement with you? is this through the courts or anything? could you say that if he does it again you will have to contact the courts because this is going to have a detremental affect on your already sensitive child - which should bother your xp! if he cant put the childs needs first then he shouldnt look after them at all - you cant picjk and choose your children and in effect thats what hes doing hes saying i will have the ones that behave but i wont look after difficult children - how damaging is that to your son

WideWebWitch · 28/12/2005 18:40

I agree with everyone else: xp has to take the rough with the smooth and find a way of dealng with it, you don't get the option to walk away when ds is being difficult, wtf should he?

Original poster

FrostyTheRickman · 28/12/2005 22:09

Exp quite often says that he won't take ds when he comes to collect them. This is normally because ds starts screaming about where he will be sitting in the car.

I think I obviously need to put him straight and point out that if he wants to see his kids, he sees them whatever their behaviour.

OP posts:

brusselsbeansprout · 28/12/2005 22:12

Totally agree with what has been said - xp needs to be a father to his son plus you need the break. He can't pick and choose just so he can have nice kodak moments and then tell himself he is doing a good job!

fireflyfairy2 · 28/12/2005 22:32

what a w*nker!!

That is totally the pits there! Your poor son, difficult or not, how is he supposed to feel when he is made go back home while his siblings are still out with dad.. the poor lad.

Yes, you do need to point out to your Exp (Obv not in front of the child) that his behaviour is sending negativity to your son. Is he the middle or the youngest? (I think you have a younger child so sorry if I'm wrong)

The issue needs addressed now though, before it gets out of hand. My sisters Exp refused to have their dd (they split when dd was 1) but his parents wanted to see her, the dd went over every weekend to her G'parents, she is 9 now and still see's the G'parents, father still has no interest in her and the child knows this..it's so sad.

Original poster

FrostyTheRickman · 28/12/2005 23:06

Ds is 5 and he is the 2nd of 4. I do feel sorry for him, ds that is, he always seems so miserable, he is hard work and it can make people short tempered with him, me included.

OP posts:

kalexcelsis · 28/12/2005 23:26

Think you need to bite the bullet on this and call his bluff, next time DS plays up getting in the car, and W**k says he doesn't want to take him, they all get out of the car, and none of them go.

Either 2 things will happen, he'll go and you will be left with them, (and yes the other 2 will be unhappy) but they all need to realise they need to stick together, and on that point, I think that WK(abbr) should be taking the youngest for the same amount of time as the other three, AND THAT WILL BE HARD, DS was only 10 days when X walked, and he started taking him at 4 months, it almost bloody killed me, but, the youngest also needs to bond with X, and it would be awful if the three oldest had a good relationship with him but the youngest didn;t

SMILE. it gets easier, but both of mine are at X's at the moment, and after 4 years, I still feel like he has taken my heart with them

Original poster

FrostyTheRickman · 28/12/2005 23:33

I know the day is getting nearer when exp will take ds2. I've managed to delay it this long, but I don't think I'll be able to get away with it for much longer. I've agreed that when he has fitted stairgates and got an extra car seat, then he can take him in the new year. I must admit I am bloody dreading it, I hate the thought of handing ds over to him.

At the moment, exp keeps moaning about how they all fight for his attention when they see him and how difficult it is, then in the next breath he is saying that of course he can cope with all 4. I'm not convinced at all. Although he seems to spend very little time at home with them, he seems to spend most of his time with them at his mums, so I can guess at who does most of the childcare.

OP posts:

Caligyulea · 29/12/2005 21:27

He sounds like a great candidate for F4J to me. Bleats about what a great father he is, but when the chips are down, gets a woman to do the real work of parenting.

Wanker.

He's not acting like a father is he, he's acting like a teenage babysitter with an adult back-up for when the going gets tough.

Wanker (did I already say that?)

Freckle · 29/12/2005 22:12

Why did I know this would be your thread, Rickman?

Really. How inept is he? Next time he takes them, could you not go out somewhere so he has no choice but to keep them all until the normal home time?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread