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Ex family member dying at a very young age and I don't know what to do.

12 replies

NewBethlehemGirlwithsparkles · 23/12/2005 09:33

It's my BIL's ex fiancee, she's only 24.

I started a thread a while ago (some of you may remember) asking for advice regarding contact with her, as BIL had left her for someone else.
I felt uncomfortable gong to see her and speaking to her as the new partner is lovely, we get on so well and BIL seems so much happier. They also live together now.
Mumsnetters said what I was thinking and basically I stopped going to see her, so we haven't been in touch for 5/6 months.

We used to get on reasonably well but sometimes found her a bit like Jeckyll and Hyde.

Well yesterday before I went to work, my MIL came to pick up my dd and said that she was going down to see her and take her a little pressie as my FIL thought it was only fair (a big shock for me as my MIL never liked her that much)
Well I've spoke to her today and she said that she looks so so ill.
She weighs 5 stone, her hair is falling out, her heart and liver is packing in and she cannot walk properly.

A thyroid problem has been ruled out, my MIL said she looks just like her dad did when he was dying of cancer

My personal opinion is that she dangerously anorexic. She works in nutrition and is and always was obsessed with food. She stopped eating as much meat and basically lived off veg, salad and anything that was 0% fat.
When she split up with BIL she went to the gym everyday and I seriously mean everyday.

She was always thin size 6/8 but I honestly think she's gone too far this time.

I haven't a clue what to do. My MIL said she thinks it's best we go and see her which I want to do but she also said to be prepared as it is very upsetting to see her because she looks so ill.

The situation is so awkward but this latest news has really upset me.
Do I go and offer support and carry on seeing her. Thats what I feel I should do but it is so difficult.
I'm so confused and upset, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 23/12/2005 09:46

I'd go see her if she were ill.

thecattleareALOHing · 23/12/2005 09:50

She definitely sounds anorexics. Many anorexics do die of their condition
But it's not your responsibility. Does she have family of her own?

feastofsteven · 23/12/2005 09:52

I think follow your instincts which are to go and see her with MIL. I would try and coordinate with MIL for future contact (visit together, avoid phone calls)to try and reduce the burden on you a little. Before you go, maybe if you had a look at the eating disorders association website, to get an idea as to how best to deal with the situation. Does this girl have much contact with her own family? Could MIL speak to SIL's family to try and find out what's going on?

NewBethlehemGirlwithsparkles · 23/12/2005 09:53

She has her Mum, Dad, Brother, Sister and a grandma but they have never been very supportive to her. Even when she spilt up with BIL they didn't really care.

She doesn't have any friends either.

OP posts:
thecattleareALOHing · 23/12/2005 09:54

I think that is typical of being such a hard-core anorexic - her family will probably have been through hell with her and friends will have been pushed away.

It is very sad though. If you want to visit her, do.

NewBethlehemGirlwithsparkles · 23/12/2005 09:55

Having been anorexic myself I can get some understanding of the situation but only to a certain degree as I snapped out of it pretty quickly and I wasn't as poorly as she is.

I know it's only a guess but it seems quite obvious thats what it is.

OP posts:
NewBethlehemGirlwithsparkles · 23/12/2005 10:09

Have just got her number so I'm going to send her a text to say we'll go and see her.

OP posts:
AveyourselfamerryLITTLEFISHmas · 23/12/2005 10:16

I would go and see her, but I agree with Feastofsteven about looking up the eating disorders website. You don't have to commit to visiting her every week, she is not your responsibility. Visit once and see how it goes.

Try and be prepared for the way she looks. My mum was anorexic for many years of my life and whenever I had been away, it was always a shock to see her again.

Hope it goes ok.

AveyourselfamerryLITTLEFISHmas · 23/12/2005 10:17

Sorry - just seen that you have been anorexic, so you probably don't need the eating disorders website. Does she know you have been anorexic?

NewBethlehemGirlwithsparkles · 23/12/2005 10:20

I'm sure I have mentioned it before but like I say it was in no way as bad as what she sounds.

I'm going to check out the site anyway and clue myself up a bit.

OP posts:
AveyourselfamerryLITTLEFISHmas · 23/12/2005 10:23

Just a positive note - my mum was severely anorexic for many years - down to 6 stone and in a psych hospital for over 6 months at one point. She is now healthy and happy and a fab granny! This all happened for her between the ages of about 28- 50

NewBethlehemGirlwithsparkles · 23/12/2005 10:27

Thanks

Well I've sent a message to her so I'll wait and see what she says.

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