Don't know what to do - advice please

[myrrhthamoo]

My Mum's best friend (and my friend too - she'd been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and I loved her to bits) died in October after a long battle with breast cancer. Last week I got a Christmas card from her dh. Today I got another, identical card with a cheque for £40 for ds1 and 2. I don't know what to do - I don't want it, my boys have too much already, he's a pensioner and it's a lot of money - I'm sure he can't afford it. In my head I can see Mum's bf telling him off - she always got them a present but it was something little like a selection box (in fact I bought them one each for the first time this year because I knew they wouldn't be getting one ). I just don't know what to do - the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings (he's in his 80s and a very proud, dignified man) but I can't cash the cheque. Shall I just write and thank him and not cash the cheque and hope he doesn't notice? But what if he does notice and think I've just been careless with the money and not appreciative? I really don't know what to do. And my Mum's bf's name is still on the cheque for their joint account and I can't stop crying...

Can you ask your mum what she thinks?

This is a really difficult one....

I think I would be gracious and accept the money, and send thank you letters/pictures from both children. You could put the money in a bank account for when they are older if you think they have too much now. You risk hurting his feelings/pride if you don't accept the gift.

I can understand where you're coming from but I think you should cash the cheque as you say he's a proud man and obviously thinks he's doing what his wife would want him to do which probably makes him happy. I dont think there's anyway of returning the cheque or not cashing it which wouldn't hurt his feelings and you could send him thankyou letters from your kids with maybe a picture they have drawn for him inside.

sorry eldestgirl crossed posts! Great minds and all that!

accept it graciously and with thanks. don't even think of doing otherwise. He is probably doing his best to thank all his wife's nearest and dearest, bless him. It will be helping him to think he's been generous to the people she cared about.

Ditto edodgy!
MM, maybe also its his way of saying he would like to stay part of your children's lives.

I agree with the other cash the cheque, as this is what he wants.

Are your ds's old enough to write a thank you letter themselves.
Why not make/buy him some mince pies or something that you know he'll enjoy. Or something the boys can make for him.

Hi,

its nice that he has done this and like you say your friend usually bought your children presents.
If it was only a selection box then why not get them and maybe donate the rest of the money from your children to the breast cancer care charity.

Butty.xxx

I would cash the cheque and then maybe buy him something back for xmas from the kids ?
He sounds very much like my granddad and he would have been extremely put out if the money was returned or not banked.

Instictively picked up a dressing gown for my granddad when christmas shopping yesterday I always brought him one every year and new slippers

I think you should cash the cheque too.
I think Heveanis's idea is a good one (for the boys to make him something) and if he lives close by, perhaps you could all visit him with the gift?
That would probably mean a lot to him.

Thanks for the replies. I think you're right - I can't see a way of not accepting it without hurting his feelings. I'll get ds1 to write and say thankyou and ds2 can draw a picture - I can enclose a photo of them too. And I especially like butty's idea - I think I'll do that (spend some on the boys and donate to the hospice she was in too - I set up a standing order to Cancer Research after she died but the hospice did look after her very well). He isn't very near but we will visit in the new year.

Thanks for helping me get my head round it - it was just so unexpected and made me feel so very sad all over again.

And a special hug for SpringCrimboTurkey.