Christmas pressies as peace offerings, thoughts plse?

[santaslittleunicorn]

Have had major fallout over last 2 years with various family members.

Anyway my sister has just sent me and dh a case (no less) of wine for Christmas.

The thing is, it doesn't resolve anything, some of the things said and done last year were extremely hurtful, and made me cut links with her.

Now I guess she sees this offering as an attempt to 'forgive and forget'... but but but.

I'm sure many will say life is too short to harbour grudges etc, but I don't feel I can just let it go (and be bought by a case of wine - although I'm sure dh won't want to return it!)

A sincere apology would be a better present.

What do you think?

It sounds like she is taking the first step - a sincere apology is a hard thing to do "cold".

What did she do that was so terrible you don't feel you can let it go?

during a huge arguement she virtually accused me of abusing my children.
( she threatened nspcc would be round - on the basis of her witnessing a stressful morning when I was shouting at the kids)

She said she only came to the house to see the kids (not me and dh) and was highly resentful at being an 'unpaid babysitter'

(but this is just the tip really)

send her back the crate with the empties

like it bubs!

Ask her round to share one or two of the bottles on the grounds that she must be sorry on some level to be offering an olive branch.

Was there a message with the wine?
I have bought a case of wine in the past for my PILs - with no intention of it being a peace offering .... just felt that it was easy and impersonal ... would have been mortified if it had been regarded as a "sorry"

If you feel you are not ready to forgive her and do not wish to reopen the issue for discussion then I would return the wine with a message explaining why.

If you feel there could be a reconciliation I would contact her saying thank you for the wine, but that the present you would really like is for things to be sorted out between the two of you.

I would like things to be sorted - but- this whole thing also involves my brother (what a can of worms this is!)who my sister has completely sided with.

So, it would be difficult to resolve with her as it involves him too IYKWIM.

I also feel there is a bit of guilt attached to this as they (sister brother his wife and child) are off on holiday with my mum and dad for xmas.....

We were never invited.

Oh I'm so popular in my family I really am.

i would say that she has sent it as a first step. not as a forgive and forget thing... but as a way of getting you to talk, and maybe sort things out?

its a time of peace and goodwill and all that so id send a letter explaining as briefly as you can how you feel and what you feel need, in order for you to move on and start to rebuild your relationship as in the end life is too short and at the very least even if you dont make up then you will know that you tried and you told her how you felt and then its up to her to make the next move. im sure at some point you will want to sort this out so i say sooner rather than later or you could regret it hope you do manage to sort it out.

oooh families...
who'd have them?

dh (much as he plans to keep the vino) says it makes him think of a salesman trying to 'buy favours'

I can see his point... my sister wants to see my kids -so- this is her bribe.
not a very sensible one really given all our arguements have been after consumption of too much of this liquid.

Peace and goodwill - well perhaps - but family diputes can't really be solved over a case of wine (drunk without them) can they?

I have also been told that I 'talk too much'(by my mother) whenever I try and sort things out.

So although the ball is back in my proverbial court - well -it isn't really, it's a classic case of trying to get me to do all the legwork again.

Sorry all.... lot of psycofamilywafflebabble here.. Christmas and all!

well maybe she didn't want to phone, so she figured that if she sent you a gift then you would be prompted to phone her?

i don't think it's necessarily a case of you doing all the leg work... but it may be worth giving her a ring and seeing if you can start to patch things up?

but how can you patch things up with people who just think that you are to blame, and all the wrongs of the family are caused by you? (You spoil everything - has been a slogan I was brought up with)

i don't know... go in with an open mind, see what she has to say?

I think what your sister said was extremely hurtful and, imo, can't be put right by sending a case of wine (or anything else) - unless there was a letter with it?

Personally, would send back the wine and wait for an apology.

Life's too short to spend it being permanently upset by your family.

Or lifes too short to BE permanently upset by your famiy.

It does seem like an olive branch of sorts.

I would call to say thanks but keep it casual "just a quick call to say thanks for the wine, have a great holiday and maybe we can talk when you get back". Then see what her reaction is.

Enjoy the wine - don't drink it all at once!!

The long and the short of this issue is ... do you want to solve the deadlock ?

You can be the one to make the next move .. IMO if you want to be right ( in your eyes ) then none of you are going to be talking ... if you want to be HAPPY the maybe you can make the next move ....

Right or Happy - it's now up to you.

In my situation - I was both - by not contacting any of them

I have a similar-ish thing with my mum.

I would send a thank you note for the wine, drink it, enjoy it and try and forget all about it. move on with your life and don't let the negativity bring you down!

Yes agree crystal I was Right AND Happy by concentrating on my own life away from them and making it as lovely as I possibly could

I've had similar problems with my own family. I would go with Enid's suggestion and just send a thankyou card/note and leave it at that.

If it was a one-off argument that was completely out of character then I would be all for the forgive and forget approach. I suspect that, as in my own family's case, the issues run a lot deeper than that and may possibly never be fully resolved. If so then I think all you can really do is try to be reasonably civil but without pretending to have a close relationship.

FWIW I think you could be right about the guilt thing. I too am excluded from family get-togethers and I've noticed that family members have become increasingly uncomfortable about it over the years.

thanks all..

I have decided to follow enid and coppertops advice and will just send a thankyou card and leave it at that.

My family are best kept at an arms distance IYKWIM.

I cannot change them (no matter how much I argue etc)so it's better if I try and remain civil but just get on with my own life,concentrating on my own little family.

I will try my best to do a better job.

Best of luck, Unicorn. I know just how tough it can be - especially when you just want to scream at the injustice of it all. xxx