Yet another MIL thread (kind of) - but I need help!!

[RudolphsAuntMabel]

It's not just MIL this time though, it's FIL too. Basically I don't want them to visit on Christmas day this year. When they do come they upset DH and manage to put him in a foul mood for days afterwards, it's sh*t.

MIL is actually a SMIL, and TBH she's never treated FIL's kids (there are 4 of them) very well. If you treated kids these days as she treated them it'd be called abuse. FIL was widowed and got married to her quite quickly to get a mum for his kids and really left them all to it, then he went too far in making sure that he was never seen as a bad step parent and has all but forgotten his own kids in a bid to gain favour with his step kids.

Since DS2 (15m) has been born they have both ignored DS1's existence. It's like DS2 is the novelty so DS1 doesn't matter anymore. It's heart breaking seeing him trying to get grandads attention and being blanked every time .

Anyway every Xmas they pass by our place to go to their traditional family xmas meal with the step family and call in to give DS's prezzies and I don't want them to this year. Not only will DH get upset but so will DS1 and myself. DS2 will of course be completely oblivious thankfully.

DH gets upset because all they do is slag off his brothers for not keeping in touch with them, though they make no effort themselves, tell DH all the fantastic things that his step brothers and sisters are up to, and if DH tries to tell them something he or DS has been doing they ignore it and start going on about the step family. It's horrid to sit there and see it. I'm always biting my tongue and really would like to say something but it's DH's family, he's only got one dad and I don't want to cause an even bigger rift.

Last year we tried to get to swap prezzies on xmas eve but they wouldn't have it.

So, the question is, how do I get them not to come without feeding them a lie and getting found out like I obviously would?

Can you tell you have decided to have a quiet family day with just the 4 of you - and maybe you will go out for a walk or a drive or something.

And can they arrange to get together for present exchange at some other time - preferably later.

would it make a difference if you went to them? it would at least mean you can leave whenever you like. Or can you time your own Christmas plans so that they really only have a half an hour slot at yours before they have to leave? (Go to church and don't come back til half an hour before they'd have to leave)

I would just say "We have a lot going on this year so we will see you on xxxx date instead." Don't apologise or explain - there is no need. If you are very assertive they will probably accept it without a murmur and can moan about it to the rest of the family, but who cares? It's your Christmas and you can spend it how you want to.

mmmm, if we told them we were going to go out somewhere they'd know as they go past our place on their way to lunch. As I said we've tried to get to swap gifts on Xmas eve before oh, and on Boxing day as well but they just seem to want to come here.
It's not the length of time they stay that's the prob. it's that there's so much bad feeling from the past that they are all still carrying around,it makes it so awkward and unpleasant.
Thing is DH seems unable to say anything like, "Can we come to you on Boxing Day this year as we're going to be really busy on Christmas Day" so it's up to me to do it and they really don't take much notice of anything I say at all.

I think the problem is you are asking them - you need to tell them (if you are sure this is really what you all want to do). Instead of "blah blah blah so can we see you on another day instead", say "We are busy on Christmas Day, we will see you on xxx day instead."

can you tell them you'll be out and then go out? go for a walk? I sympathise cos Christmas is tough. Do they realise how dh sees them? Is there any chance they don;t realise how insensitive they are talking about her family all the time? Can you persuade dh to shrug it off? He doesn't need their approval and to compare himeself to the step family. Maybe they are just miserable people who struggle with being nice - you never know they might turn up at her family and do nothing but talk about how gorgeous your dss are. I decided some time ago to take my dad as he comes and not to analyse, not to fret, (not to care that he sees his step grandchildren tons more than his gandchildren). It's his loss, I'll make so much effort, but I refuse to get stressed or loose sleep over it. I guess it's a bit easier for me cos my mum is still around.

Totally agree with Franny on this.

Don't ask, tell!

If needs be tell them you won't be in cos you've decided to go out for xmas dinner, anything but just let them know what you as a family are doing.

Also give them an alternative to bring the pressies round but make sure you do that after you've told them not to bother xmas day IYKWIM as they might make excuses to get round it.

batters, no he'd rather that they didn't come as well. He finds to so difficult every visit and as I've said he's upset and angry for days afterwards.

I agree he should tell them something to stop them coming over, in fact I've called him a work and asked him to phone them one night this week to tell them we're going over on Saturday. And this year I am putting my foot down VERY firmly and saying that we are NOT going to invite them over for tea over the holidays - it's a dreadful occasion every damn time and it's not fair on the kids is it?