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Original poster

How can I make christmas special?

27 replies

MrsBubsDeVere · 18/12/2005 12:12

I really want to make christmas special this year, but have no idea how.

As usual I will be spending it on my own, dh is working nights christmas eve and christmas day eve so we'll see nothing of him. We have no family so going somewhere or them coming here is not really an option. Its going to be stressful enough trying to get two very overexcited kids to keep quiet whilst dh is in bed.

Any ideas what we can do??

On christmas eve, as per usual we will have norad on the computer until the children go to bed so that they can see where Santa is, other than that i'm at a loss.

OP posts:
IlanaK · 18/12/2005 12:15

Well, I like the reindeer food idea I read on here. Porridge oats (dry) mixed with sparkly bits and glitter. You sprinkle it over the lawn to help guide in the sleigh. You could mix some up together with the kids and go outside to spread it and see it sparkle.

You could do a cooking activity (you don't say how old your kids are) - maybe biscuits to leave out for father christmas.

On Christmas day itself, surely they will be playing with their new toys?

QueensSpeechEagle · 18/12/2005 12:16

Bubs, how awful for you. I can sympathise with dh working nights, mine does too and it is hellish trying to keep little ones quiet during the day.

Daft idead but can dh go anywhere else to sleep ie parents house or friends house? At least then your kids could make as much noise as they wanted without you getting stressed.

Does dh get to see any of xmas day?

Original poster
MrsBubsDeVere · 18/12/2005 12:18

my two dd's are 4 and 7

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anorak · 18/12/2005 12:19

How old are your kids?

You can make it special by doing really simple things like having an indoor picnic on a blanket on the living room floor, or watching a video snuggled up under a duvet with drinks of hot chocolate.

Or you could take the children out for a walk, looking at everyone's Christmas lights and producing chocolate from your pockets when they flag.

Sounds like a lonely time for you, rather than the kids. Why does your dh have to work every Christmas? Do you have a friend or neighbour who would enjoy having a meal with you? Or someone else in your position who has a partner at work?

I love having visitors for Christmas day, it lifts it out of the ordinary for me.

Original poster
MrsBubsDeVere · 18/12/2005 12:20

Queenseagle, he will see them for about 10 minutes whilst they open their pressies and then again for an hour when he gets up before going to work again, but i know he will be his usual grumpy self wanting the kids to be quiet whilst etc while he watches tele for a bit before he goes to work.

Not looking forward to christmas at all to be honest.

I have been invited away, but its a 9 hour journey and the kids would be v v limited with pressies etc.

OP posts:
anorak · 18/12/2005 12:20

Sorry cross posts, I see your kids are 4 and 7 then.

Original poster
MrsBubsDeVere · 18/12/2005 12:21

I know it sounds selfish, but its going to be worse knowing that i have nothing to open from dh. He has bought a little something from the kids, but that's it, he says he hasn't had time to do any shopping

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MaryP0p1 · 18/12/2005 12:24

When i was a child my family used to help serve and eat Christmas dinner at the local old folks home. I have some really special memories. My Mum was on her own, I used to god with my Mum, Nan and Grandad and Aunts. I was lovely.

anorak · 18/12/2005 12:25

I do feel this is more about you than the children, tbh. They are bound to be excited and have fun with their presents and treats.

But it sounds to me like you're going to feel very lonely and neglected, and pissed off that your kids can't make a noise and celebrate while your dh is grumping around. Knowing your dh is going to disappoint you by not giving a gift makes you dread the occasion, I know from past relationships how much it hurts. Why is he like this? Are things not good between you?

GemgleBells · 18/12/2005 12:30

Does your Dh have a day off just after Christmas?
Could you celebrate christmas then.

My Dad is in the Navy and as a kid if he was away we'd open pressies from Santa Christmas Day (because it wouldn't be fair to amke Santa come out twice ) and then open our other pressies and have a proper Christmas when we were all togeather (Didn't celebate until Feb one year).

This year we're doing the same, although we only have to wait until boxing day. Hope this helps and that you have a wonderful Christmas.

Original poster
MrsBubsDeVere · 18/12/2005 12:32

Things are great between us at hte minute, we went through a bad patch a short while ago and we sat and talked through it etc and things have really changed, he has changed etc, not brilliantly, he still doesn't help in the house as much as he could, but he is showing more respect and trying to keep his temper in check.

He says that he hasn't had time to get me anything, but, i started get bits for him at the beginning of the year. He also says that he doesn't know what to get me, but he knows I love music, books, card-making etc.

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anorak · 18/12/2005 12:40

It sounds to me that his not buying you a present is a very big deal to you. I would be the same. I would feel that he didn't care enough about me to think it important.

I know some men don't 'get' the fact that women put so much emotional value on presents and occasions, but even if they don't understand why, they do know it's a fact that you'll be hurt if they don't bother. That should be reason enough to do something about it.

I'd be desperately hurt and would be dreading how bad I would feel on the day itself. It's great that he's learning to curb his temper but I hate the thought of you and the children creeping round the house on Christmas day fearful of his anger if you wake him. It doesn't sound much fun living that way at any time, if you can't relax in your own home.

Original poster
MrsBubsDeVere · 18/12/2005 12:47

He told me last night that I will have to wait until the February when he gets his big bonus from work for a pressie

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anorak · 18/12/2005 12:51

I'd be willing to bet that's the reason you feel so down today.

It's not about the material side of having a gift, it's about the fact that someone cares about you feeling special, someone went out and carefully chose a gift just for you, because they wanted to make you happy.

It's so hard to even admit we are hurt over not being presented with a gift, as it's so easy for the other person to dismiss you as materialistic, but there's so much more to it than that. It's the feeling of not being important enough, not being valued, not being worth the bother. I could cry for you, as I've experienced this myself and I know how painful it is. I have to note, with sadness, that some men use this as a bullying tactic

Original poster
MrsBubsDeVere · 18/12/2005 13:06

To be honest, if I thought that I could, I would take everything back so that he get's nothing, but I don't think he will be bothered tbh.

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Original poster
MrsBubsDeVere · 18/12/2005 13:07

I am also wondering whether or not to make a full christmas dinner for the 3 of us.

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Original poster
MrsBubsDeVere · 18/12/2005 13:08

Must remember to get more sprouts this year though, me and youngest dd were fighting over them last year as I only got enough for me thinking that she would not like them, oh how wrong I was. I also have to watch her as she pinches the raw brocolli, mushrooms and carrots when I'm not looking

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sparklymieow · 18/12/2005 13:11

buy yourself a big lovely present with his bank card

zippimistletoes · 18/12/2005 13:11

I would definitely have the christmas dinner, Christmas breakfast and wine..

carols on the radio, film on TV, go to church in fact just behave as though he wasn't there

dp works nights but always gets up for at least some of the day especially at christmas

and he could surely buy a present, I can't see an excuse for his attitude

except you both sound dpresssed

anorak · 18/12/2005 13:26

I remember the last Christmas I spent with the father of my girls. Sick and tired of buying him thoughtful and expensive gifts every birthday and Christmas and getting nothing back.

One year I begged him just to get me a couple of gifts I could open on Christmas day so I wouldn't feel hurt. I received two identical cheap boxes of chocolates. It was blatantly obvious that that was the easiest thing to pick up at any corner shop. It just rubbed in the fact he couldn't be bothered to care whether I was hurt or not.

His excuse was always that occasions and presents didn't matter to him. (Everything always revolved around him.)

Well anyway this particular Christmas I toyed with the idea of spending every penny I had in the bank to get him a video camera. I wandered around a shop, chose one, thought perhaps it would bring a smile to his miserable face...I got stuck in a long queue giving me too much time to think. At the last minute I realised what a mug I was being. I went to the local plant stall and bought him a few plants for his newly finished garden instead, spending about 5% of my original intention.

What could he say?

But it was during the following few months he dumped me. Which tells me this...unless I was prepared to put in 100% and get nothing back he didn't want me.

I was so much better off without him. He was enormously high maintenance and for what? I never got thanked or cherished for all I did for him, just abused and insulted.

Why the bloody hell should you be choosing gifts with care for him, wrapping them beautifully and giving them with a glad heart?

suedonim · 18/12/2005 13:43

I've had to do lots of Christmases without dh being there (including this one) and discovered it's a matter of forcing yourself into a positive frame of mind. It's v natural to feel gloomy about it but in the end it's only you who suffers so you need to say 'B*gger you, we're going to have a good time, come what may!'

The Xmas pressie thing is a big deal so my way of dealing with it would be to buy whatever I'd quite like, CD's, smellies, whatever, and hand them over to the children for them to wrap. It won't be a surprise for you, obviously, but I bet your children will enjoy watching you opening the gifts they've carefully wrapped, esp if you praise them for their efforts. Or if you've time, give the children a few pounds, go to somewhere like Woolies and let them buy something for you while you supervise their safety from a distance.

And yes, you should have a nice Christmas meal! Make it easy on yourself, get ready-prepared things but forget about healthy eating on this one day and indulge yourselves on whatever you all enjoy. Then go out for a walk and let the children run around and get rid of their excess energy. When you come home have to hand some quiet-ish games or maybe a jigsaw for you all to do together and end the day with a nice dvd and hot chocolate before they go to bed. After which, pour yourself a large glass of something alcoholic and watch whatever you want on the telly!

Original poster
MrsBubsDeVere · 20/12/2005 10:03

Thank you so much for your ideas,i will definately be putting some of those ideas into practice.

Still can't help feel a bit unsure though, just want to really spoil the kids

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thecattleareALOHing · 20/12/2005 10:13

I am so cross and sad for you MrsB. Tell him you want a present! Tell him it is really important to you. It doesn't have to be expensive but you want something. Perfume, a book, a CD - you may well have to tell him which. He can pick it up on his way home from work or on the way to work. It's not fair that your only time with him on Christmas day is with him being grumpy. How much does he sleep during the day anyway?
Agree with others, is it possible for him to sleep elsewhere? Where are your parents?
Does he have work colleagues who also work nights? Could he sleep at their house?
Not fair on you or the kids to stay quiet all day, really not fair. Very, very stressful.
If all else fails, buy yourself a present or two. The kids will like to see you getting a present. Also he should take part in present opening when he comes home from work on Christmas Day and he should make a show of happiness for the children, then maybe you could go to church if you are remotely religious, leaving him to go to bed, sing some jolly carols, the kids will be catered for, there may even be a glass of sherry in it for you. Then a nice walk and maybe even the park, then home for a nice easy festive lunch (poss chicken or turkey you put in the oven on a low heat while you went to church) with party hats and crackers. Then play some games like snakes and ladders or something, a DVD for the kids while you have a glass of something and relax a bit (do you know your neighbours? Could you pop round for a visit?) then your dh can get up, play with the kids a bit and go to work, kids go to bed, you sit down with stilton sandwich, a box of chocolates and a glass of port and doze off in front of It's A Wonderful Life?

Original poster
MrsBubsDeVere · 20/12/2005 12:04

That sounds brill, aloha, I've not been to church since dad died nearly 5 years ago and mentioned in passing yesterday that i might take the children just the once and he went mad saying 'you better not be turning religious because that is the one thing that will split us up'.

Men eh?

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thecattleareALOHing · 20/12/2005 18:25

Oh dear, he does sound a miserable git, I'm afraid.

I am also not remotely religious but needs must eh and you might enjoy it. Point out that you cannot keep two children quiet all day on CHRISTMAS DAY and if he wants peace then you will have to go out, and there aint a lot else open on Christmas morning!
And it could be both a break and a bit of social life for you on the day - a chance to speak to cheerful adults, the kids will be entertained and you get to sing some carols.

Honestly, I think he's being really horrid about it all.