Other people's badly behaved kids?

[Kia]

We have new neighbours (40ish) with one child who is about 2ish. I'm having a partette shortly for bonfire night and usually invite the neighbourhood commune and we make a full night of it. Mulled wine, sparklers, lots of music and dancing, plenty of fireworks. Now, new neighbour's child is precocious and indulged and used to getting his own way. The parents are aware he's 'high-spirited' but don't seem to have any discipline strategy. I'm being diplomatic here, but I expect you get the gist!

Problemo - how do I insist on the house rules being followed without alienating new neighbours? Although my house is no longer tiny-proof, I usually move all me valuables etc (irreplacable stuff) up out of harms way and anyway the house is geared up for people to be comfortable without having to worry about white carpets and cut glass, its a farmhouse and fairly rugged! Everyone else knows the drill - ie relax and don't panic about mud and spills - it will clean up!! I don't ever worry about accidents and if you've kids in the house etc etc but, I cannot be everywhere and he is quite a destructive little sod! I'm afraid he may pull something on top of himself or fall down the stairs and land on the fire, or a combination of all 3!

Further complication is that I have a dobe dog who also would be very surprised at a new child not treating her with the respect she gets from the others in her 'pack'! she doesn't bother with the fireworks or the extra people, in fact she works herself into a frenzy if she's put somewhere 'safe' for the night, so locking her away is not the option I'm looking for, especially when she's been impeccably behaved on all previous social get-togethers we've had.

Am I worrying unnecessarily?

Oh this is a difficult one! I have very little advice, other than to say that other people's "under-disciplined" children tend to respect other peoples' house rules if their parents are not there. If his parents are to be there(which I think they must be judging by your concern)i would recommend quiet snarls in his ear when they're not looking! Also, your own children will lead by example.
I've been to a party today where the hosts' children were really naughty; other parents tutted but I'm afraid I did more than that and removed all offensive weapons from them (yes-honestly!Pliers and sticks) and also removed my own children as much as possible!
My boyfriend says I'm a nazi but I don't see why my children should be expected to behave if others are allowed to cause mayhem, so my view is they should ALL behave! I'm actually known now as being the one who will tell kids off if needsbe: at another party tonight I had to fetch them all downstairs and stop them wrecking the bedroom cos the mum of the b'day boy knew they'd listen to me! I suppose basically then, my only advice is, know what behaviour you expect, and then insist on it; even if it's different to what his parents might allow at home, he's in YOUR house. Good luck!

Kia - as they are new neighbours and you don't want to get off on the wrong foot by nagging them about their child as soon as they get through the door, why don't you politely tell them in the nicest possible way that as you are hosting the party you will be too busy to watch out for their little darling and warn them that there will be lots of very dangerous things around ie. fireworks, hot drinks, fires, dogs etc. That way you come across as kind and caring and they might assume some responsability for their child by keeping an eye on them. I still find it rather embarrassing to discipline friends' kids, but if the kid is a real little sod (and the rest of the world knows it but the parents can't see it) I tell my kids in advance that if so and so is misbehaving to come and tell me or their mummy, which of course they love to do as they love to snitch on each other - not that this means that their mother will tell them off, of course, but atleast they are aware. Otherwise, I agree with Candy, a stern whisper in the ear when the parents aren't looking.

Kia, don't worry, you never know they might not be able to come!

I think if a child is misbehaving in your house and their parent is not taking responsibility you have every right to speak to him and/or the parent asap. Don't get stressed about it, put some locks on a few doors so he can't wander about and what about a stairgate to stop him going upstairs?

Oh, small child and I understand each other alright! We both had a good look and I made my judgement and I think he got the message! I'm not above growling if required, just don't want to upset the mum because she looks as desperate as I felt all those years ago, before I realised that I was in fact going to have to be the wicked witch and the sooner I got started the better!!! I think I'll borrow a stair gate too, good idea. The other neighbours who are coming have all had the pleasure of this child in their houses and have not been happy at all! And as for being the one who's known not to be afraid to say no to other people's kids - I have my reputation to think of!!! My own sister uses me as the ultimate threat - if you dont behave you'll have to explain to Aunty. Perfect!! I'll let you know how we go!!! Poor kid, yeah. I cannot understand how 2 adults can allow a 2 year old to run their lives. It's the old fixing the pass the parcel ploy - adult ingenuity and experience should win every time! Note I said - should!

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Never mind him what about your furniture?! And if the dog bites him because he's being abusive, your dog will get the blame!

Kia, just stick by your guns and be as firm as you need to be with this child. Who knows, he might even like it - my son adores my husband's aunt, who I find a bossy and totally overbearing woman, and behaves angelically for her. And if the parents get upset, well then that's sad but its their lookout. If he behaves for you they may even be jealous!

Sorry if this goes against the grain but I'd say the parents not the child are to blame here. I know what it's like to have a 'wild' child guest in the house, and agree that you have to be very firm, even if it means overriding the parents. However in this case your wild child is only 2 and how are you going to tell him the rules for the night and expect him to take it in? Even if you say a stern 'don't touch' etc and you stop him in his tracks, he's likely to forget it in 10 minutes. Chances are he's going to be scared of the fireworks and cry to be taken out, anyway.

IMO it's the parents you should be growling at, Kia. Anyone who takes a 2 year old:

1. to a fireworks event
2. to a party
3. to a strange house

needs to be top of things all the time - no sloping off as a couple to mingle and enjoy themselves!

So, could you outline the dangers of the night - fireworks, dog etc to them, saying how much you would like them to meet 'the commune' but to enjoy it fully would they like to come minus child .... and if they are stuck for a babysitter it just so happens you know of one. If they are new to the area, they may be very happy with this recommendation.

If they really want to bring their 2 year old (mad!) and you are convinced they will allow him to run riot, can you ask the older children and other trusted guests, in advance, to return the wanderer to his parents whenever they see him dangerously alone. Hopefully the parents will soon get the message.

Also I think damage limitation, in the form of stairgates, as mentioned, and even a travel cot is a good idea, and could you muster up some suitable toys to keep the problem busy, and give his parents some breathing space?

As usual, you're all being supportive and it's great! I hate being the one who has to do the discipline bit. I have a feeling that Dad thinks this is all normal because he's 'a boy and all boys are like this', and then goes off to work leaving exhausted Mum to pick up the pieces!

It is the parents' fault and not the child's, I agree, but I do feel for her - coming into a close neighbourhood where we all know each other, the house rules etc and so do the kids. I can't find her a babysitter because nearly all of them will be at ours, and I don't think she would leave him anyway. I watched the fuss he kicked up when they left him in his car seat to talk to me at the side of their car, magnificent performance it was too!

The other children are very very good with the little ones, making sure they're inside at the right time and wrapped up properly etc, so I don't think we'll have too many problems that way. I'll definitely have a video on the go as well, and probably the entire stock of bob the builder will be brought in by one of the other younger guests!!

As for the dog, better safe than sorry I've decided. Can't take the risk. I don't think for a moment she would bite anyone, but strange child, lots of people and fireworks could be just the combination. I'm going to put her upstairs in our room with the radio or something on and keep visiting! Would never forgive myself if she did react badly, he is only 2 after all is said and done.

So, has anyone got a never fail bonfire night buffet recipe they want to share?!

Well it's all over now and as usual I got my stomach in a state for no reason. The dog behaved like she always does and all the kids behaved as they always do and the new neighbour's little boy was dosed up to the eyeballs and they only stayed for about an hour. He was drawn to the dog like a moth to a flame as I thought and dog kept a watchful eye on him and then decided to ignore him completely, particularly since another child was trying to slip her tacos when I wasn't looking! (dog can clear a large concert hall if she eats anything outside her normal dog food! Not good, especially as it's audible!!) I think the Mum is exhausted and will probably get to the discipline bit in sheer self preservation! I don't think hubby is used to having to look after bratlet quite so much either, but thats another story! I have to go now since daughter requires machine for last minute home work.

message withdrawn

To lower the tone - as a direct result of the partette said dog must have had more tacos than I caught! It's gas masks at our house tonight and the poor dog has the squits! If we weren't so arse conscious in our house and find it totally hilarious, it would be worth a tear or two! I hope noone comes round to see us. Oh, the shame!

It now turns out she 'may' have eaten a full bowl of tacos helpfully placed on the floor by little hands!! Poor dog is really paying for it though! So are we - where's my peg gone?!

Kia, try charcoal biscuits - inserted at both ends of dog if necessary. Hope the air clears soon.