Nursery - Monday Morning upset About going and she doesnt go till Wednesday Afternoon?

[ChristmasEvesMama]

My daughter is 2 and 7 months, she hasnt been in that sort of environment before and we dont really have many close friends or family with children, so was anxious about starting her at nursery, but had to as she can t get into school nursery until almost 4.

we went for a good few weeks..me staying, but trying to keep in back ground,then once we started to leave and come back a bit later there were a few tears, but it all calmed down and no tears, just a bit of encouragement from me and reassurance i would be back.

the last three weeks it has been awful..she wakes up every morning saying "not going to XXX(nursery) today?".."going later?", and no matter how many times i say yes later or no not today, she go's on and on about it and when we get there, she sobs, asks me not to leave her and gets really hysterical.
this is very very upsetting for me too, as you see once i leave, she calms down and gets on with it?
shes not loud or boisterous, more subdued and will only play with who she wants to, but whenever i ring to check on her, they tell me she 'is' playing happily with the other children.

i have tried to ask her why she doesnt like going, but she just starts to get upset again and i get no where.

im getting really stressed over this and dont want to see her upset.

ive tried the softly softly approach and the hard way, but neither is working?

does anyone have any pearls of wisdom for me as i feel like giving up and not taking her anymore

im shaking now, ive just really shouted at her.
she came up to get dressed and started crying again about not going to nursery.
ive put her tp bed, shes crying she doesnt love me anymore and she wants her dad and im crying and shaking, i cant believe i shoutet so much

All i can say is ALOT of children DO scream and cry when mummy leaves.... and stop crying and are happy within minutes of mummy leaving!

So keep with it!

Also you could ignore her when she keeps saying not going etc... cause if you dont respond shes going to give up going on about it! Ie first thing in the morning "Not going ....." you coukld ONCE say no your not BECAUSE its tusday... or "yes were going today because its monday" etc. and leave it at that

how do i make nursery out to be not a g thing when ive blown up about it now, shes gonna accociate this with nursery now isnt she?

I basically kissed dd goodbye and left, I knew she cried, but I knew she stopped after I left as they phoned me to alleviate my worry. dd was 2.10 when she first went.
Now 4 mths later she trots in happily. She used to also get a little bit stressed about going beforehand, but I was kind but firm all the time and now she loves it.
I'd advise the nursery too. Perhaps not sticking around when you drop her to see how that goes?

If it makes you feel any better - this isn't rare.

They do go through a clingy phase - my dd was fine about going initially but after a couple of months started to cry and put her hands out like she wanted me to take her back. However, I know she calms down and really enjoys it there - it is good for her social interaction and learning - and I work so she was staying!

It is hard because you don't want to cause dd unhappiness - but I advise sticking to your guns and don't back down. There was a supernanny episode about this and it was hard at the beginning - but dd needs to know it is you that makes the rules or you are making a rod for your own back - so to speak.

Have you spoken to the nursery - I'm sure they have this all the time. HTH

As a matter of interest why did you put her into nursery - are you working?

I though my DS was ready at 2 as he was very bright and was talking really well etc but he just wasn't ready. So I took him out after 2 weeks and then started him again at 3 with no problems - initial tears yes but settled after a week and then never wanted to come home!

From what everyone says they do get used to it but sometimes I think they are just not ready. And if you don't need to send her then maybe take her out for a few months and see how she goes around Easter?

i going to ring the nursery, cos i need some help with this.

ive just apologised for shouting at her and she keeps saying sorry too, but i just wish i could remain calm and handle this situation better.

no i dont work.i have depression and as my boyfrend works and i have no one to give me any actual hands on help, we decided to put her in to nursery two afternoons a week.so i get time to do things(cleaning, errands etc) and not beat myself up about not doing enough with her while doing these jobs and also because we live miles away from any of our old toddler groups, i wanted her to be able to play with other children so nursery school isnt too much of a shock.

Hmm - sounds like she may be playing on the fact of your depression. My sis had bad PND and her DD was really clingy - I think one fed the other.

I think you just have to keep really positive and up-beat about all the exciting things she will do in nursery etc. Try and stay calm (easier said than done I know!). They do all settle eventually.

Good luck

thankyou

have just rang nursery and they have said they will arrange for her assigned 'teacher' to speak to her more about home, that ill be comingback, that this is her time to have fun without mummy and that mummy will be so happy when i get back becasue she has enjoyed nursery and so on.
ive asked them to make sure she has her own coat peg and tray for her paintings etc, so she feels a bit more part of the group, and they sorted them out for her last week, so we'll just have to see how it go's

she even got upset when she heard me ringing them before i mentioned her

but when i got of the phone i sad 'you didnt tell me you had your own peg for your coat?..only big girls get their own peg'??...and she said 'yes i did mummy..and ive got my own art tray too'!!!(she obviously heard me mention them)
i told her that only big girls get pegs and trays, so this must mean that nursery think she's a big girl too!

i just hope now i can keep calm and make it easier for her..i actually thought i was gunna be sick last friday when i was taking her, so maybe she can see how im feeling???

just been doing some painting with her and i thought heres agood idea..why dont you tell me a name of one of your friends at nursery and well paint a picture of her..dd crying again straight away and putting her hand over my mouth(her way of telling me to stop talking)

we eventually did one of Aimee in her dancing shoes..but while the immediate concern?

I'm sorry your dd is finding nursery so difficult, and I know (from experience - thankfully brief) how awful it is when they cling to you and cry.

My advice, based on my own experience, would be to harden your heart, get the dropping off bit over with as quickly as possible and get out of there. I know it's awful, but prolonging the agony really does make it worse. (I used to do this and then hover outside the door till I heard my dd stop!) I have to say, though, that my dd was only upset at the moment when I came to leave her. She would talk really happily about nursery when she wasn't there.

I also found (though this may not be a lot of help, sorry!) that my dd was actually happier when she was at nursery full-time or, at least, every day (she went every afternoon for a while, then every day - sometimes shorter days, sometimes longer). When I was on maternity leave with dd2 she used to just go one day a week and it was only then that she got upset. Now that may have been to do with the new baby and everything too, but certainly it worked better for her when it was more of a regular routine.

Another thought... if you need a break but the nursery isn't working out, what about a childminder? We have moved since my dd was at nursery and now have a childminder who looks after dd2 and picks dd1 up from school. She's fab. And your dd would have the change to play with other children, but in a smaller group (they can have a max of 3 under 5) and in a home environment.

Hope she settles soon, anyway.

hi thanks for that, but as its taken so long to get her 'used' to this nursery and the previous one was awful, i didnt want to mess her around any more changing to childminder or something else.
she enjoys it when shes there..joins in and has a good time, but its just i think the crying and apprehension in the 'DAYS' leading up to it a re a bit too much

Ds1 was a bit iffy about nursery. The night before he would start saying he didn't want to go so I said "let's see how you feel in the morning" and then in the morning if he said he didn't want to go I'd say "let's see how you feel when we get there".

Once there he'd see the other kids and be fine, except for one day when he cried a lot. I just said goodbye, "I'll come and get you soon after I've done the shopping".

I waited for a bit, hiding outside, and saw that he had stopped crying and was playing happily.

If they say you're dd is fine once there it must be the transition from you to the nursery that she finds tough and in that case the best thing is to say goodbye quickly and say you'll be back soon then leave quickly.

I think for some children it's actually more difficult to settle if the parent lingers.

yeah, i try not to hang around..just take off her coat..walk into the room so she can see whats going on and give her a kiss and cuddle and say ill be back soon..but its getting worse and worse?

mmmm... I take a different tack from everyone else. I don't like to leave them crying; it doesn't get easier in my experience. I DID leave DS1 crying for 2 years, and I tried every approach from drop & run (for the first 5 months) to coaxing him in (the next year) to letting DH take him (last 7 months); DS1 still hated it, and it never stopped being horribly painful for me. I take a gentle approach, instead, nowadays.

DD is 4yo & still reluctant to go to pre-school -- why shouldn't she be? Why should she want to go spend time with strangers than with her favourite people (her family)?

What is helping, now, is arranging playdates for DD; I find little girls she seems to be like-minded with & inviting them around for playdates. Then I can encourage DD to go saying "Emily will be there; your other friends will be there", etc.

ds1 is like this, he says "its not nursery day?" everyday. I take him thinking that to be consistent is the best way for him, I'm on maternity leave and I could have him at home but I need time with ds2 and cleaning, I tell him that his bedroom will look really tidy and clean when he gets back. Good luck I hope it gets better, its rough for you.

You hav emy sympathies, my DS was similar, it is heart wrenching

The first week my DS was fine, the second week he did not want me to leave him. He too would talk about not going all day too, I couldn't lie to him and say he wasn't going but by the time he went he had got himself into a state about the whole thing.

At my DSs nursery we went back to him going for an hour with me staying with him. I then would pop off for a cup of tea in their staff room with his agreement and gradually over a good few weeks my tea break got earlier and he stayed longer and longer until I was going for my tea as soon as he had arrived and leaving himt he full session.

Good luck!

I think it is typical of that age. My twins are not quite 3 - and go to playgroup twice a week. Every time playgroup comes up in the conversation they say "me no like Julie" - the lady in charge - who, when they are there, they stick to like glue - even holidng her hand most of the time ! When we pick them up they always say the played with Julie most of the time.

For the first few months we had tears every time we left them and "mummy no go" - but when I looked through the window 2 minutes later they were playing happily.

DS1 was worse - he cried hysterically every time - even the first few weeks at school (which he now runs into very happily). Again looking through the window he was fine within minutes.

As playgroup help I have also seen it from the other side, and can honestly say if the staff think they are not settling they will call you.

With mine I found it best not to mention playgroup - they know when were are getting ready where we are going and make no complaints. If we mention it earlier they have time to work themselves into a state.

kiss her goodbye and leave quickly

ignore her protestations because the more you interact the harder it'll be

and you could try leaving something with her that is yours .. a favourite scarf or something? so there is further reassurance that you'll be back soon

Thanks for the advice girls

yesterday morning, got up as usual nursery day..got up earlier to take dp to work so she wasnt too rushed..answered when she said 'we staying in today' with we'll see and changed subject..and when she said'going to nursery later?'..i just said yes..later.
closer to the time, she started playing up a little, but i kept sort of poo pooing it my saying oh its ok, we're not going yet..later..and so on..then we started briefly mentioning things like her coat peg and picture tray and that i had to do some christmas shopping so she could go to nursery to have fun while i ran round town all grumpy

we still had a pet lip and a few tears(which i noticed got worse when i hesitated on leaving the nursery), but she stopped crying the minute i walked out and when i got back later told me to sit down cos she wasnt finished playing yet!...little minx!

her 'teacher' said shed been brillient, playing and painting and Eve herself was bubbling with whta shed been doing.

when i was putting her to bed last night and i was asking her about her day..she got all excited about nursery telling me things that had ahppend and that she wouldnt lend her paint brush to some other girl sat near her because she had funky hair!!!..hmmm..not so sure about that one??

but over all...a lot better yesterday..thanks for the support