Just made a bit of a show of myself in an open plan office...

[SackAche]

Phoned my Mum to tell her about my asthma attack this morning.
She burst into tears saying that my Dad was at it again (he's a horrible man and violent too). She's been on the homeless list now for about 7months. Got offered a flat but didn't like it! Dad knows none of this. Anyway.... she said she's just going to go to Womens Aid again.

I said fine, but there's no point if you're not going to go through with it. I kinda lost it with her. I wasn't shouting but my voice was raised slightly.

I told her she needed to get him put out the house instead making her and my brothers homeless! She needs to go to the police (he hit her on Friday night and she stayed at mine with my youngest brother) and get him charged.

She won't listen to advice, she won't go through with it, she makes up excuses and completely expects my sister and I to sort all this out for her!

I have totally lost my patience.... and now the whole office know. and a bit too.

Oh SA for you and your mum and siblings.

very sorry to hear this you've got enough on your plate with dh as it is. is it worth you phoning women's aid yourself and asking them if they have any advice for you to help your mother make the break?

If I had heard you, I wouldn't be thinking "ooh, listen to her". I would be thinking "blimey, that sounds rough" and if I knew you a bit, would be asking if there was anything I could do?

You haven't made a show of yourself, you got upset about an upsetting situation. When my neice died, my boss (an emotionally repressed man if ever there was one) had to lead me from my desk into his office while I was sobbing. I was mortified that he had seen me like that but he just gave me his hanky and listened. People might surprise you.

Sorry to hear of the situation. Hope something can be sorted.

Fimble - She keeps coming to us and saying she's made this big decision. We get all excited and offer all the support going..... then she backs out and says oh its okay.... it'll be fine.

Well it ISN'T fine! My 14 yr brother had to intervene on Friday night when my Dad came in drunk and started on her! They turned up at mine at 4am!!!

Its infuriating.

Isn't that all part of the pattern, though? Aggravating but not unusual due to the effects of violence and threats on the victim? Sure I saw something from Refuge along those lines.

PS agree with beansprout re anyone overhearing would feel only sympathy.

Thanks everyone. The girl opposite me said "Who the hell was that you were speaking to, coz the whole office heard it!"

I really wasnt' shouting, but its so quiet in here!

I just can't do anything else to help my Mum. I'm doing more than a daughter should as it is.

Nice supportive colleague that girl is then!

Womens Aid will be used to women going so far and then losing the bottle.
Your mum needs to realise that any old flat is better than living with your dad.
Only she can wake up to that.
Not nice to have it on your shoulders and eventually you will all stop rallying round because you wont believe that she is going to go.
Maybe that will be the time though.

I think the girls next to me just found it al a bit awkward. One said whilst I was talking to my Mum "oh God if thats what marriage does to you I'm never getting married".

Hi SA,
How awful for you. I wou;dn't worry about the office. If people are bothered, then it is inconsiderate of them, and tough shit. You could try calling WA for advice, but there really isn't a lot you can do in that situation. When I was in a refuge, one women was on her thrid refuge as she had been back to him twice. Charlie is right, they are used to it.

My sister and I are so sick of it. We were put through it all as children.... getting dragged out of bed in our nighties to go stay at Granny's house. And its still happening nearly 30 years on.

I agree there is a limit to what you should / can do...but have you tried going with her to a solicitor / police to force her hand re getting him charged / restraining order?

HMC - Its very upsetting for me and watching my Mum crying hysterically in a Police station is a step further than my responsibilities. She has friends!

Sure SackAche - I can imagine...was just thinking it might help bring this sad sorry state of affairs to a resolution.

Could you ask one of her friends to do this?

I know HMC - I just feel too involved already. I mean my Dad doesn't know anything about this and still chats away to me on the phone.

Wht an awkward position to be in. Maybe you should take a step back and tell her you'll be there for her if she makes that move out, but you cna't keep going through all the ups and downs when she isn't helping herself? After all, you have your own family to think about too.

sackache how awful for you
hugs babe
xxx
agree with kelly

Thanks. Its really really hard when she turns up at 4am with my brother....and my Dad is phoning my house leaving messages to phone him right away if my Mum turns up at mine.

I am SO angry at them both for putting their children in this situation! HOW DARE THEY?!?!

Sorry to hear this sackache!

But agree with the others, I don't think you have made ashow of yourself. If I had overheard your conversation in my office, I certainly wouldn't have thought badly!