Do your parents/in laws offer help or do they wait to be asked?

[mogwai]

Just wondering.

Not sure where I stand with my MIL. My husband is about to work a fortnight of 12 hour shifts without a day off. That means going out to work when our five month old daughter has just woken up, and coming home when she's in bed.

I am dreading the next two weeks, but when I told my MIL how bad his shifts had worked out, she didn't offer to help out. Just taking the baby for a walk would help, but she's never offered anything in the way of practical help since the baby was born. She loves the baby to bits, can't get enough of her, seems perfectly confident with her, but when I've suggested she can have her for a few hours at weekends, she's never taken me up on it.

Perhaps she's waiting to be asked for help? It's hard when it's your MIL rather than your mum, I don't like to ask her. A friend suggested I get my husband to ask instead, but I don't want to put her in a position where she has to say "yes".

What are your experiences?

My mum offers if she is sees that I am stressed but MIL would come willingly if I asked.

mine refuses even when asked. so i guess i am no help whatsoever.
i usually have to go into labour to get her to help out. although she did look after ds2 when had to rush ds1 to a and e. she didnt want to take care of dd, but i just dumped her too. ds got lucky, he didnt need stitchs. but 2.5 years later, and he still has the scar.

My Mum does it when asked
MIL offers and takes time off work - she's mad! She comes to visit us and says 'you two go out tonight' whereas my Mum wouldn't (or hasn't to date anyway!)

and dh went abroad for 17 days. i was on my own with three kids. no one even bothered phoning.

My mum tends to stand back til asked (ILs too far away anyway)... she has always been very wary of being "the interfering mother/MIL", so helps when I ask, or offers if she sees I'm at breaking point/just wants to spend time with DD.

Soooo... your MIL could be having the whole interfering paranoia too. How is she with you normally? Is she the type who wouldn't want to offend you? She might be worried that offering to help implies that she thinks you can't cope.

my parents help when asked and often suggest things like babysitting so we can go out.

In-laws have to be asked and even when asked sometimes say no. For example, dh was in hospital for 2 weeks with a burst appendix. I asked MIL if she could take ds1 when dh got out of hospital so the house could stay fairly calm for a few days. she said "oh no love, I think it would be alienating him, he should be with his family". Is that not my decision?? They P me off. She is always saying "if you need anything just ask" and then when I do she says no!

We are having a new kitchen fitted so at the moment are without cooker/sink etc. My mum is nearly 80, my mil is 60 and I really don't expect my mum to ask us all round for tea as she can't cope with us, it would have been nice if Mil had as she knows that we are struggling but she hasn't. Wouldn't dream of asking tho', will struggle.

maybe flamesparrow

We lived down south for seven years, so pretty much led our own lives. We moved back to our home town in 1998 and haven't exactly lived in one anothers pockets, perhaps saw them once a fortnight. We see much more of them now we have the baby, but it's generally that they drop in for a cup of tea at weekends. She's 57 and she works part time mon-fri so I also think the weekend is her "free time"

We've always had a great relationship but I think she sees me as quite the career woman who can "do anything". Perhaps she doesn't want to offend me....but without actually spelling it out, I'm not sure how much more I can do to let her know I need help. She often tells us how much her own mother helped out when my husband was a baby, and her friends help regularly with their own grandchildren.