Toddlers and funerals

[marialuisa]

Sorry, know this is a bit grim for a Monday morning but I'd welcome some opinions...

DH's gran has only a few weeks left, obviously DH will go to the funeral and I will go with him, but what about DD (2.6Y)? I really don't feel that it is appropriate or necessary for her to go but DH seems to assume she will come. Part of my attitude is probably cultural, in my family children (i.e. under about 10y) don't go to funerals and it's only recently that women (wives of deceased included) have started going to the graveside!
I'm also concerned that DD won't have a clue what's going on and is likely to be upset by people crying, the sombre mood etc, esp after a 2-3 hour car journey. DH has very little contact with any of his family so DD won't know recognise anyone, I think it'd be quite scary and dull for her, but am also conscious that the chances of her not voicing this are minimal and do not want to add to the distress of DH's aunts.

To complicate matters further there is a lot of resentment from DH's aunts towards his mother (absolutely justified) and DH has predicted that "someone will say something", so things will get messy. DH loathes his mum and is also quite likely to turn on her himself!

Am I wrong to want to leave DD with my mum for the day?

I would leave DD with your Mum for the day, and I wouldn't feel the slightest bit unsure/guilty about doing so.

You are right that she will not understand what is going on and is likely to be upset by the atmosphere. She may also be a little over-excited by seeing all the people and could end up being quite 'active' during the service.

We took our DD to my Nanna's funeral (cremation) in Feb of this year as we had no-one to leave her with. She was 6 months old and behaved as well as we could have expected. I personally wouldn't consider taking her to a funeral at 2.6yrs. IMO taking DD with you to the funeral will put more unnecessary pressure on you, DD and DH than leaving her with someone you trust ans she knows.

HTH
WSM

Oh nightmare- and sympathies becuase we will be in the same situation when someone on dh's side dies (funerals are very big thing there- and I have a horrible feeling that ds1 will be expected to go). We have had a chat about it and agreed that the children will not go full stop. Hard if you don't have your dh's agreement though. However I think you are absolutely right. See if you can talk him round- point out the problems with her being there from a- she won;t know how to behave- pov -e eg it will be distressing if she starts laughing or shouting during the service etc.

Oh nightmare- and sympathies becuase we will be in the same situation when someone on dh's side dies (funerals are very big thing there- and I have a horrible feeling that ds1 will be expected to go). We have had a chat about it and agreed that the children will not go full stop. Hard if you don't have your dh's agreement though. However I think you are absolutely right. See if you can talk him round- point out the problems with her being there from a- she won;t know how to behave- pov -e eg it will be distressing if she starts laughing or shouting during the service etc.

Thanks, will be ensuring that DD has a day with my mum. Ultimately DH will defer to me, just feel awkward because deep down I would prefer if DD's minimal contact with DH's family (has only seen his mum twice) was non-existent. DH knows this is how I feel, and has conceded that he feels the same way but isn't quite ready to sever contact completely yet. In the mean time I feel guilty when the question of contact arises,as I do look for ways out! At least this time it seems to be OK not to take toddlers to funerals and I can't be told I'm living in the dark ages.