DS upset by DD leaving home

[tallulah]

DD (17) has moved in with boyfs family since the start of term. We haven't had a row & it is purely for practical reasons- she couldn't get to school in time by public transport (20 miles) & we can't continue to take her by car this year (long story).

Originally she was going to be there Sunday night to Friday morning, but now she's got a Saturday job in the same town she's home on a flying visit only occasionally.

I was really upset when she first went because I thought we had her for at least another year. The home routines have all shifted & we keep doing things like buying 6 of something or putting out too many plates... it sort of hits you again when you do that.

We're slowly getting used to it & TBH when she does come back she's almost in the way... DH has introduced some new routines for putting away shoes/bags & stuff & she ends up throwing her stuff everywhere- it's like having a visitor now..

Anyway, last night watching a film about a man reunited with his children, youngest DS suddenly starts sobbing. He said our family would never be back together because she's gone. I said she was planning to come back next year but he said it wouldn't be the same. He just wouldn't be comforted. Then he asked me why people have to get older... and just cried and cried.. There's obviously a lot of stuff he's been building up & I just don't know how to handle it.

Worst of all, DS1 is applying to go on a training programme next September which is residential, so he will be leaving (if all his plans come to fruition) as well. I tried to explain to the wee one that before long he will be wanting to fly too, but he wasn't having any of it. Any ideas anyone?

(I would add he's just started secondary school & seems to have settled very well..)

My brother and sister both left home when I was about 12 Tallulah, they are 6 and 10 years older than me, and I think I handled it worse than my mum! I wasn't particularly close to either of them, mainly because of the age gap, but looked up to them, especially my sister, and liked having them around. I think in hindsight it was made worse by my father leaving home out of the blue a few years before, and I never saw him again. I think you are doing the right thing in reassuring him, there isn't really anything else you can do. Would it help your ds if you got dd to have a word?

I hope he comes round to the idea, bless him. He sounds lovely.

When I left home for uni at 18 my sister was only about 8 and she found it really hard to start with, and my brother went off to uni the year later too and is started again for her. You just have to rerassure him, and try and see if your daughter can do the same (maybe the odd phone call for a chat just with him even is nice), but other than that there isn't much you can do. I am sure that it will all come okay again soon as he gets used to the idea.

Is there anything special you do do with just him "because there are less of you" as his special treat of how he can benefit from this? Just an idea.

Thanks you two. I'm seeing DD tonight so I think I'll have a quiet word with her.

Good luck!

Aaawww....tallulah, I just want to give you a big hug(((((((((((()))))))))))))))) My sis was very upset when I left home, I was 18. Dont know what to say except Im sure your dd will keep in touch with your ds I dont know how you must feel, I would feel lost

My brother and sister left home when i was young too. Once i realised the fun we could have alone i got used to it. Do you think your Dd would take him out once a fortnight or something? They would also send me postcard and little rings etc. I was scared they would forget about me, and never get in touch again. Good Luck and he does sound like an angel

tallulah, I wonder whether him just starting secondary school is part of his state of mind - growing up, moving on, leaving things behind etc. Maybe he is feeling small and insignificant at big school and missing his primary school a bit.

He obviously doesn't like the idea of anybody growing up and flying at the moment, least of all him, so I think you need to emphasise continuity as much as poss, DD will be visiting all the time etc and that you will all be together sometimes and although it won't be how it used to be it'll still be fun. (I know exactly what you mean about putting 6 plates out etc, I did that too when DD1 first went to uni, it does alter the dynamics for quite a while. 2 years on I'm used to it and much more flexible!)

DS2 was 8 when she first went and DS1 was 13 - they both miss her and enjoy her visits but were OK about her going, but then they weren't at a pivotal(???) stage themselves. Agree with the others, your DS does sound lovely!

(What happens if she falls out with boyfriend though? Do you have contigency plans?)

janh, yes I wondered if he was having a problem with the change of school, he really really didn't want to leave primary!

No contingency plans... she'd just have to come back & get up a lot earlier! She knows the door is always open, so to speak, and she can come back at any time. I told her what had happened and she was very touched. She's going to have a word with him.

It's just such a shock when you suddenly wake up and wonder where 17 years have gone. When they were little it seemed we had forever stretching out into the distance