Am I being over sensitive?

[mistydawn]

My ds is 4 and my dd is 2.We have spent the last three christmas's at home.I lost my parents,mum 12 years ago and my dad died 8 years ago so they never got to see my children.

MIL and FIL live in Ireland and we have been over with the children about 6 times.MIL has visted us about once a year in the last four years just for a weekend and FIL has been twice when both children were born.We said we would bring the children over for christmas this year as FIL has'nt seen them since august 04 and MIL May 05.

Unfortunatly due to money problems at the moment we are unable to afford the plane tickets.In the past when we go over FIL pays for our tickets as he knows money is tight and they can afford it,they usually offer to do this.
When DH exlained our situation FIL e mailed him and said well forget christmas then and MIL will come on her own early December.She is arriving saturday lunchtime and going back early monday morning.FIL is not coming with her.

Now I am upset for DH's sake as I know he is hurt that his dad is'nt coming over and we know his dad visits DH's other brothers and sister.Why can't he make the effort.My ds was his first grandchild and I know he loves to see him.Upset for my children as well as they only have 1 set of grandparents who they hardly see.

Not wanting to sound greedy but they have plenty of money and have bought plane tickets for us before,so it's not about the money.I would have thought they would have wanted to see their grandchildren at christmas.We have had a really bad year or so with my PND and my ds has a severe speech problem ,I have dealt with this without no help or support from MIL.In fact when she talks to DH on the phone she never asks how I am and dismisses ds's problem out of hand.So a christmas away from everything would have been wonderful for us all and for the children to be in a big family atmosphere with the aunts,uncles etc.They have a great big house on the shore and the kids would have loved it.
Don't understand it.It makes me so mad that my parents never got the chance to see the children and DH'S don't make the effort.

Am I being too sensitive about this and expecting too much?

hmm i can see where you're coming from, and can understand that youa re upset.

BUT... no matter how much money they have, at the end of the day it is their money, to spend how they wish. I certainly wouldn't "expect" someone to pay for my plane tickets for me, however loaded they were!

It is a shame though, and I do feel for you dh a lot

I don't think you are being oversensitive, no, but I imagine they aren't seeing things through your eyes. They probably aren't trying to upset you, just not thinking about how it feels to you. Is there any way you can talk to them, and tell them how sorry you are that you won't be seeing them for Christmas? And how sad it is that the kids won't be seeing their only grandparents? Hard to do without it sounding like a demand for money, I know...

mistydawn (love the name) I think when it comes to family sometimes you just have to accept what they're like.

If they are not that bothered about seeing their grandchildren then I know it sounds harsh but try not to dwell on it. Try to enjoy and make the most of your Christmas with the people who will be there.

I've come to the conclusion that sometimes it's better to go into denial and appreciate what you have rather than focussing on what you don't have.

Thanks for the replys.
Edam-I don't have the kind of relationship with them that I could say how upset I was and DH would't say it ethier.He may well hint at it but would'nt want to fall out with them it.

Starlover-I know what you are saying about the money and I know I should'nt expect them to pay even though they can afford it.
It's just in the past when they have wanted us to go over at their request for family get togethers and FIL's birthday etc we have gone.
This is more to do with the fact that they have'nt seen the children in awhile and christmas is a special time.Surely if they have the money and it meant they could see the children do they not want us to go over.

look at it this way... it's them that miss out! you can have a lovely family christmas at home without them!
they are the ones that lose out long term.

if you really want to see them then could you invite them to yours for christmas?

Saadia-I know what you mean .I should think that way but it saddens me as I know my parents in that situation would have done anything to see the children.

Like you say we will have a brilliant christmas at home with the children whatever.

I can't help feeling that MIL and FIL are missing out on so much with the children but it's their loss and my gain.

x posts starlover-Great minds think alike

Starlover they would'nt want to come to ours.Although we have a spare room FIL on the 2 times he has visited when the children were born they stayed in a hotel.We have asked them before and have always been fobbed off with they are busy or MIL comes alone for a couple of days,never any lnoger.
They stay at DH's brothers though in the UK and at his other brothers and sister who live abroad in fact they are in Barcelona at the moment with them.They don't always tell DH when they are going,it slipped out in conversation once So they probably visit them more than we know about.

how odd! sounds a bit weird... maybe you're better off without them?

Starlover-i have come to the conclusion that maybe they don't like me.It can't be about DH and the children.

I have never felt good enough for their son.Even when I first met them 14 years ago and we got engaged MIL gave a long talk about how people from different backgrounds should'nt get married,it would,nt work.Me from a working class background and DH from a well travelled,private school background.

Well 14 years and 2 children later!!!!

aww it's a shame... because like you say, your kids miss out on their one set of grandparents.

but you know... i bet they have a ton of family friends etc who live near you that love them loadas... and at the end of the day that's what matters. People being there for you all. They will have much stronger links with the people they see most often

That's very true Starlover.

My oldest sister adores them and is very supportive to me .I think since our mum died she looks out for me.Their cousins visit on a regular basis and my niece is always at the end of the phone when things have been tough these last couple of years.

Just feel upset for DH that his parents could'nt do the same for him.

Bump

You may have already checked and I know it's not really the issue now but I've just looked into booking flights for the festive season (for myself) for 20p return via Ryanair.

The fares do creep up to astronomical prices as the time comes nearer though and are bumped up according to which airports you use (i.e. return to and from shannon came to a total of £18.20).

HTH in some way as if you could manage this and do want your children to see FIL, it may be worth a try.

BadgerBadger-Thanks for your reply.
Fianancially we are really struggling at the moment and counting every penny.We could probably look into this and we were willing to pay for our own tickets as it was us who offered to go over at christmas as DH thought his parents would like to spend christmas with the grandchildren.
It's just that when we opened up to them and explained our money situation FIL just e mailed DH and said well MIL will come over to you then.FIL is not coming as well to see the children.My DH was in tears last night as he just can't ynderstand why his father won't come and see us as well and why did he not offer to buy our tickets when he has done in the past so he could see his grandchildren.
Surely his grandchildren are the important thing in all this.I know it's their money to spend as they want but I can't understand what amounts to a small amount of money for them would mean they could see the children.
It's like they don't want us their.
DH knows he should come straight out and ask his father why he is not coming to see us as it is really getting to him.

BadgerBadger-Thanks for your reply.
Fianancially we are really struggling at the moment and counting every penny.We could probably look into this and we were willing to pay for our own tickets as it was us who offered to go over at christmas as DH thought his parents would like to spend christmas with the grandchildren.
It's just that when we opened up to them and explained our money situation FIL just e mailed DH and said well MIL will come over to you then.FIL is not coming as well to see the children.My DH was in tears last night as he just can't ynderstand why his father won't come and see us as well and why did he not offer to buy our tickets when he has done in the past so he could see his grandchildren.
Surely his grandchildren are the important thing in all this.I know it's their money to spend as they want but I can't understand what amounts to a small amount of money for them would mean they could see the children.
It's like they don't want us their.
DH knows he should come straight out and ask his father why he is not coming to see us as it is really getting to him.

BadgerBadger-Thanks for your reply.
Fianancially we are really struggling at the moment and counting every penny.We could probably look into this and we were willing to pay for our own tickets as it was us who offered to go over at christmas as DH thought his parents would like to spend christmas with the grandchildren.
It's just that when we opened up to them and explained our money situation FIL just e mailed DH and said well MIL will come over to you then.FIL is not coming as well to see the children.My DH was in tears last night as he just can't ynderstand why his father won't come and see us as well and why did he not offer to buy our tickets when he has done in the past so he could see his grandchildren.
Surely his grandchildren are the important thing in all this.I know it's their money to spend as they want but I can't understand what amounts to a small amount of money for them would mean they could see the children.
It's like they don't want us their.
DH knows he should come straight out and ask his father why he is not coming to see us as it is really getting to him.

oops-computer was playing up.

mistydawn, I think your dh should ask his father what's going on. Their attitude is obviously a source of great sadness for him and asking will at least bring you closer to understanding their position.

Mistydawn
Is it possible that your in-laws mis-interpreted your dh saying you couldn't afford to come over as meaning that really you preferred to stay at home? I only ask this because this is exactly what my parents would do. They live quite a long way away and absolutely dote on the kids, but generally wait to be 'invited' rather than just asking if they can come and see them. They always say things like 'Oh, you don't want us old fogeys around getting in the way', or 'Well, we'd love to come and see you if there's anything we can do to help, but we don't want to be in the way'. It's like they want us to treat them like servants. In fact, I do sometimes find little jobs that need doing (although he's over 70 my dad's very 'handy') just as an excuse to get them up here (and then we arrange lots of days out etc. with the kids to stop them doing 'jobs' all the time). I know this isn't exactly the same as your situation, but I just wondered if your in-laws could have convinced themselves that you don't want to go over for Christmas. If you can get cheap flights, there's no reason why you can't go over, even if your MIL is coming over in early December anyway.

Mistydawn
Is it possible that your in-laws mis-interpreted your dh saying you couldn't afford to come over as meaning that really you preferred to stay at home? I only ask this because this is exactly what my parents would do. They live quite a long way away and absolutely dote on the kids, but generally wait to be 'invited' rather than just asking if they can come and see them. They always say things like 'Oh, you don't want us old fogeys around getting in the way', or 'Well, we'd love to come and see you if there's anything we can do to help, but we don't want to be in the way'. It's like they want us to treat them like servants. In fact, I do sometimes find little jobs that need doing (although he's over 70 my dad's very 'handy') just as an excuse to get them up here (and then we arrange lots of days out etc. with the kids to stop them doing 'jobs' all the time). I know this isn't exactly the same as your situation, but I just wondered if your in-laws could have convinced themselves that you don't want to go over for Christmas. If you can get cheap flights, there's no reason why you can't go over, even if your MIL is coming over in early December anyway.

Oops, mine's doing it now too!

Saadia-I am not sure my DH would confront his father over this.I think for his own peace of mind he should but his father is not one for talking about emotional things.

JingEllBELLS-We are always saying they can come over anytime but always have an excuse.
His parents are both 70 but very active and go abroad quite often.As for wanting to help MIL is not hands on with the children or home when she stays and when we visit them I get so anxious.It's like parenting in someone elses house where I am worried they will break something and MIL is quite critical of me.
Last time we visited we arrrived and they had not put up the stair gate or got the highchair out of storage ,it was still all wrapped up and the cot had to be put together.I know that sounds like I expecte them to do everything for us but it was like they were'nt looking forward to the grandchildren coming over.They had nothing ready for them,I would have thought they would have liked to get their room ready for them.

I think DH would'nt want to say we are coming over now as he thinks it they would have really wanted us their they would have said well come over and we will get the tickets as they have in the past.

It's sad Mistydawn, but I think you may just have to except that your relationship with your dh's parents isn't going to be what you'd like it to be, and just leave it at that. You can give your kids a fab Christmas at home. It's your in-laws who'll be missing out. Just make sure you tell them afterwards what a great Christmas they missed!!

Good luck.

Thanks JingELLBELLS-I am sure we will have a great christmas.From my point of view it will be less stressful staying at home.