How best to support someone who is having difficulties conceiving?

[bakedpotato]

A very close friend and her partner who live in another country have been trying without success for several years to get pregnant, doctors are now involved, there is nothing wrong, but but it's still not happening. The process is now, for various reasons, very medicalised.
I can't imagine how they are coping with the pressure, and the cycle of raised and dashed hopes.
How can I comfort her, what did you want to hear/not want to hear if you struggled to get pregnant?

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Baked Potato - I'm in a similar position. Friends started trying the same time as us and I now have a gorgeous 6m old habing conceived immediately. They are already going down the medical route due to her medical history. She's a wonderful friend and I want be a support not a reminder of her problems.

Can anyone help with bp's questions ?

i struggle with this. i have a very close friend who had 6 rounds of IVF to get one dd, then 4 more unsuccesful rounds of IVF. meanwhile i had 3 children in quick succession, getting pregnant far too easily. it's hard. there's really not much you can say sometimes.

also hard if you are struggling with too many too young children (as we sometimes are) and have to keep not complaining, even if you're totally knackered and overwhelmed.

i just try and be sensitive generally. probably failing drastically on many occasions but what else can you do. try and listen rather than give advice because there's not much good advice to give really.

she did say once that seeing me struggle with 3 has made her realise there are SOME benefits to only having one!

I am having problems ttc no 2 after taking about 5 mins the first time round. Am not sure what sort of support I would want but because I am a generally pessimistic person I get fed up peoples endless optimism, saying, "oh it will happen soon", "you just need to relax", "you just need to forget about it and it will happen" etc etc.

'You just need to relax and you'll get pregnant' always got my dander up. People get pregnant under stressed conditions all the time: during wars, famines and rapes, fgs. Infertility is a medical condition. Would you say 'just relax and it'll happen' to someone who has cancer/diabetes, etc.?

Baked potato, unless your friend specifically raises the issue, the less said the better? I would imagine the couple would need the space to deal with the issues without having the added burden of explaining their latest situation.

She tells me what's happening. We're proper friends.

(Even if she wasn't confiding in me, I think I'd like her to know that I'm thinking of her. It must be pretty hard if people suddenly cut you off just because they don't know what to say.)

I've been trying to conceive no 2 for 19 months (happened quickly with DS1) and it is, by turns, frustrating, depressing, demoralising and utterly shite. It is impossible (like many things) to understand what it's like unless you are going through it. Personally (and I guess everyone is different) I hate the following:
"I'm sure it will happen soon"
"Just relax and it will happen"
"have you tried drinking cough mixture/drinking mung bean juice/dancing naked around a candle at midnight..." (or other similar nonsense suggestions)

If she wants to talk about it she will, if you ask her how she's feeling or if she's OK, she will volunteer the info if she wants to. Tell her you're thinking of her etc You sound like a nice friend bakedpot.

posts crossed baked pot. Yes it helps to think that people have you in their thoughts.

I went through a horrendous time trying to conceive. At the time I didnt want anything to do with babies or anything, we didnt tell anybody. To be honest there is nothing that you can really do, its a really personal thing between a couple, just listen if she wants to talk, occasionally ask how things are going but I would just leave it at that. Actually just thought of something, not sure if you are able to dedicate much time as you are in different countries, but try to arrange for her to have some 'me time'. Fertility treatment is very intrusive and you can end up feeling like a robot, a nice day out at a spa may be lovely for her.