Overheard conversation...rather rude awakening...

[Fireworks]

I have been feeling a bit down all day and need to get it off my chest now rather than try to forget it.
Last night DH had a few blokes he works with over for a curry and drinks. His work environment is almost exclusively male and in the past (pre kids) we all used to go out together on real benders and have a good laugh.
Anyway, last night there was a new bloke there that I had never met before, know the others really well for years. I didn?t take to him very well from the start although all the others were laughing and joking with him. He obviously didn?t realise that I knew a great deal about the work that they all do and if anything am probably more qualified and experienced than him in some areas.Kids started to yell so I went upstairs to see to them.
DH followed me up and took over while I went to the bathroom. Sitting in the bathroom I could hear every word being said in kitchen downstairs..
Basically I heard one old and good friend sticking up for me saying not to judge me by my frumpy looks and constant baby talk, that I used to be a really attractive girl before having kids, that I used to be able to drink them all under the table etc etc They then started talking about how we all used to go out together and have a great time but since having kids I have put an end to that etc and stuff about middle age creeping up on all of us....
Feel totally crap. He is right about all of it of course but it was a bit painful to hear it from someone who I have known for so long and used to happily flirt with in my single days. So that is that. I am frumpy and middle aged.
I guess I need to make a decision - either use it to spur me on to lose the weight, get a wardrobe spring clean etc or, well, continue to wallow in chocolate. Poor poor me!
Feel better for typing it out really. Just not very nice to have the sad truth about yourself spelt out like that. Haven?t told Dh and he would probably say something to J and I would feel really embarrassed.
Sorry for long rant

Big hug. What a horrible thing to overhear. It sounds like you're dealing well with it. I can see why you don't want to tell dh, but if you get the right context (when you're both a bit giggly and nice and close), he might tell you how and why he still loves you even though you've changed (we seem to have a conversation like that every year on our anniversary and we always end up laughing at the old us and feeling smug about the mummy and daddy us!)

Poor you, I bet there are very few of us mums that haven't felt like this at sometime though. You have to decide what you're going to do about it.

How old are your kids BTW?

Fireworks

Sorry you are going through this i don't know what to say.Couldn't have been nice to hear someone say that hope you get some good advice.
He could have been talking about me and a few others on here i suspect.
There is nothing wrong with you.Bet you are a brill mum who has put her children first and that is great.
Think about it for a bit and then only if you want to use it as a spring board to get some of your identity back that we all lose when we have kids.
I would lose weight and then invite them over again wear a knock out dress and watch the tosser druel.
Sounds like the good friend was only sticking up for you . Think thats really sweet

sounds tough to hear - but I would say that your friend would have said what he said to still be in the peer-group and may not have phrased it that strongly but he was obviously on your side

but do you really value yourself based on what you used to be and whether you can still drink your old workmates under the table or have your priorities and life experiences changed

another way to look at it is that you have an amazing advantage of being able to experience a totally new and enveloping stage in your life - you have been where they are and you have done that - now you are doing something else, so what?

ok maybe you want to take greater care of your appearance, maybe you don't

oh and there's a lot to say for middle age - you get to do what you want to do not what you think your peers want you to do - and you still get to go out if you want to but are able to hear yourself think and hold a conversation

and is this so called friend as good looking as he was ten years ago? the thing men tend to forget is that they change too and someone who would have looked handsome then is under some illusion that a beer belly and a bald patch is some what attractive and appealing in some way dont let these comments upset you if you are happy then thats all that matters

Feel for you. Have any of them had a good look in the mirror. We all change.

Don't let it upset you, if you want to change,in any way do it for yourself. Why do people have to make such unkind comments, its so thoughtless.

I hope you feel better getting it off your chest.

fw - how awful - cheeks are burning for you as i can so imagine this happwening to me!

lose weight and revamp wardrobe if it would make you feel better - and get babysitters for some nights out. but also, people change as they get older and that's natural and right. one thing worse than feeling a bit frumpy would be if you'd stayed a permanent adolescent and were out every night, only cared about your appearance and hadn't had your kids.

moment coming up but... you are a mum and just beautiful in a different way. i know that's cheese on a stick but i do think it's true.

It's awful to hear anyone judge you by your looks but I would really take what he said with a pinch of salt. They are probably jealous that you and dh are obviously a happy, loving family and don't need to go out and get pissed every 5 minutes just to prove you are a living and breathing human being.

Middle age creeps up on all of us including men (though I'm sure they'd like to think it doesn't) - if you want to lose a bit of weight, do so but don't do it because of his comments.

If you want to, do all the glamming up, shifting any weight you want (I'm not saying you have any) and go out for a drink, curry session with them. When they say how great you look (and they will because you will), pick one of them to pat on the stomach and say 'I know some great exercises to shift a bit of baby wobble, don't know if it'll work on middle age keg wobble though'.

I'd like ot put my hand up to being in the I look rubbish and don't care mob. That is of course until I go back to my old job soon where all my boys I used to work with will tell me I've lumped up since having kiddiewinks.

Men crack me up!

They have this constant fantasy of themselves as forever youthful with Everlasting Ladlife! They can look in a mirror without seeing the paunch, and the bald patch, and they are oblivious in so many ways.

Take confidence in all the things about yourself that are so strong, maybe have a little think about whether you get any 'me-time' to nurture that experienced, clever, late-night-drinking-YOU that you were before kids, and if you don't, demand some! Self-neglect is one of the first symptoms of motherhood, I find! You are obviously well-loved by the group - don't let yourself believe that their immature view is a better judge of you than your own.

thanks guys for the support.
My kids are 2 and 5 - and lovely, of course!
Determined to lose th eweight - then hold a triumphant party for them all. Until then might hide in a large, dark hole

Fireworks I have to say you sound just like me, my kids are 4 and 18mnts and I have recently lost 2 stones ( give or take the few pounds I've started to put back on) I pretended I didn't mind being overweight but really I knew I did. There is nothing better than losing the weight slipping on the heels, slap and sassy clothes and bumping into all those people who haven't seen you for a while. They are always so shocked at the change from dowdy to siren that they can't help but tell you how good you are looking. Reading your thread has inspired me to get back down the gym and loose half a stone before Xmas. I need to feel that buzz again. Good luck!!

I know how you feel although I have never heard it said but I knoww hat they are thinking. I used to enjoy a good session and at times I enjoyed work but after 10 mths Maternity Leave can already find it difficult to talk about anything other than kids. I bore myslf never mind DP.

I could do with getting glammed up and cutting my hair but what's the point never go out anyway. If it wasn't for MN and my walking I don't think I would keep sane. Anyway it's all part of life cycles. In a couple of years you will look back at this and laugh.