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Original poster

Would you tell????

46 replies

bonkerz · 19/11/2005 14:45

OK was going to change my name but whats the point!

Am in a dilemma. I have had a best friend for over 10 years. Recently we went on holiday together, her, her Dh and 2 kids and me and my DH and 2 kids.
Things were fine for 5 days but on the 5th day to cut a long story short, her and my DH went to watch the football. Me and her Dh had kids! That was fine but they didnt leave pub when they said they would and she got very drunk. Me and her Dh went back to our caravans and i went to bed. I was angry with my Dh for being so irresponsible as he had been drinking without taking his insulin or eating and he is a diabetic!
My Dh came back at gone 11pm and came into bedroom where i told him to sleep in lounge and to take his sugar levels, wasnt a big argument just an issue we would deal with in morning when he had sobered up. At this point my so called best friend came in to my bedroom and grabbed me, she proceeded to pinch, bite and hit me in my arms and head. I was screaming really loud and Dh managed to drag her off me. I must add at the time i was 30 weeks pregnant!
Utter disbelief took hold and luckily her DH heard me screaming came and got her and took her back to her caravan. I went with her Dh to local hospital to be checked out.
Baby was fine and i was very bruised and all scratched up with a black eye. Anyway they left the site that night.
Unfortunately my mum died 3 days later and i text BF to tell her as she was close to my mum. She did say she would come to funeral but never did. I decided then i wouldnt contact her again.

Ok sorry about life story!
Ok well i have just had a text from her Dh who tells me he has split with her. He asked me if i knew what she had been doing! I was very coy about my reply as i know she has been having an affair for over 6 months but assumed it had finished. He does seem to know all about it and wants me to confirm things but , And silly as it sounds, If i do that i feel i will be betraying the firendship to BF even after what she did to me!
I never condoned her affair and really did try hard to make her see what she had to lose etc and maybe thats why she told me she had ended it!

What would you do? Tell her Dh the Truth or remain loyal to a best friend who beat me up when i was 30 weeks pregnant!?

OP posts:

Original poster

bonkerz · 19/11/2005 15:38

I suppose i want peace of mind. I know my BF and she sounds like she is turning it round and making out hes the one who is in the wrong!

She has done this to me with regards the fight! Apparently i deserved to be beat up cos i am a controlling wife who never lets Dh let his hair down and when i was on holiday i made DH do everything for the kids and i did nothing!! that was why she beat me up! the reality is that holidays for Dh and i involve Dh making the best of the time he has with the kids as he works and i do everythign for the kids all the rest of the time and also being 30 weeks pregnant the holiday WAS about me resting as much as possible! We had lots of family time too!!! Also the controlling thing was a joke because if DH wants to do something he can i was more concerned about the lack of responsibility with regard his illness and was worried he would go into a coma due to alcohol and no insulin!

OP posts:

Original poster

bonkerz · 19/11/2005 15:40

jinglybits, thats exaclty it. I am not sure i can let her DH blame himself when i know info that may help him to see what she is really like.

OP posts:

Caligula · 19/11/2005 15:40

Well actually whether you control him or not, is none of her bloody business. Still less it's no justification to carry out an assault on your person. I hope you called the police.

Caligula · 19/11/2005 15:40

I would tell him but not by text, so that you could deny it if necessary.

Tortington · 19/11/2005 15:42

i would say " look i feel like your putting me in a bit of an awkward position. i dont want to be the bearer of bad news - so please leave me out of it"

you have just confirmed what he is thinking without telling hiom anything.

Original poster

bonkerz · 19/11/2005 15:42

no, i didnt call the police. I know that was stupid of me but i just wanted it over. They left that same night so we didnt have to see her after that but also she was like a sister to me and tbh i was more upset about losing her friendship at the time especially when my mum died 3 days later and i didnt have her there to support me.

OP posts:

Caligula · 19/11/2005 15:44

She sounds a bit mad though - I simply can't imagine a relationship where someone who is a good friend suddenly attacks their friend out of the blue, about something which is absolutely none of their business. Is she always this unstable, or was it something you'd never have predicted of her?

Was it just because of booze, the attack?

jinglybits · 19/11/2005 15:49

yes, don't write it down, speak on the phone if you want. if you think about it her attacking you was her interfering in your family business which was nothing to do with her about whether you were treating your dh fairly or not. that's her excuse anyway which is ever so flimsy based on the fact that even if she thought that about you why not say it instead of assulting you. you should have told the police, although of course your immediate thought was of your friendship and the repercussions and you were probably in shock. i had ex-dp arrested for abh when he attacked me although i did not press charges it's on his record and is a warning that that kind of behaviour is not acceptable. she has no grounds to be mad at you for telling him as she's already put herself in your relationship business! you didn't report her violence and now she's manipulaing her dh into feeling terrible that he's destroyed their marraige and happy home for their kids. what do i know, maybe he drove her to cheat on him, maybe he's not a great husband but at the end of the day she should have been honest with him, either choose to be in or out the relationship and not deceiveing him for so long and with men that he knows. he will feel like such a fool in front of them the longer it takes him to realise who they are. i think i would tell, your BF seems to think she is above reprimand for any of her behaviour

madmarchhare · 19/11/2005 15:53

Crazy 'friend' you have there. I wouldnt be having any of that. She doesnt deserve your loyalness, but I also agree that you could do without having to actually say outright to her DH whats been going on.

I would go for telling him you dont want to get involved, that should do it.

Oh, and tell her to shove off if she comes skulking round. Bang out of order.

LadyTophamHatt · 19/11/2005 16:03

I would have told him in a heart beat, for the simply fact that she attacked you when you're PG.

EeeneyMeeney · 19/11/2005 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EeeneyMeeney · 19/11/2005 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Chandra · 19/11/2005 16:19

My former "best" friend, when she turned into a bad person did not physically attacked me, but created enough gossip as to make me leave what I considered was my only support network. I still feel very bad about it, I'm still angry, and I doubt I would ever forgive her, but still can bring myself to talk openly with anybody else about the things she told me in confidence. I'm not doing it out of respect of a defunct friendship but out of respect to myself.

I wouldn't get involved, whatever he says of not telling her you told him, if you are the only one who knows the specifics she will know it was you, and if she is violent, don't forget that once her kids enter the equation, 140 miles won't be really a long distance...

Chandra · 19/11/2005 16:20

can't bring myself to..." I meant to say.

NomDePlume · 19/11/2005 16:23

bonkerz, I am 100% with custy.

jinglybits · 19/11/2005 16:25

chandra is right, its about being loyal to yourself. you had a friendship with this woman and mutual loyalties, however the case to weigh up is how much friendship/loyalty to her husband you have developed over the years

troutpout · 19/11/2005 16:32

I'm with custy and franke on this one

Original poster

bonkerz · 19/11/2005 17:23

this has been on my mind all afternoon and im not sure what would be best.
if i back off and text him to say i cant tell him what i know then i will lose his friendship and will probably regret the decision because i know he will lose everything at the hands of BF.
If i do ring and talk to him , you are all right, i am then interferring in some way.
My XBF has always had emotional issues and has always been the sort of person who gets bored with men very easily, IMHO she should have never got married and she knows thats how i felt but obviously being her friend i supported her decision. The attack DID come out of the blue because although i know what she can be like when she is drunk she had NEVER been violent towards me ever. I was totally shocked that she attacked me especially due to being pregnant! I really dont think i could ever be friends with her again as i do not trust her BUT we have a huge long history together. I have no skeletons in my closet that she could throw at me (strange but true!), BUt that doesnt make my decision making any easier.

I want to tell her DH that she has been seeing someone else and TBH i think he has a right to know that someone he thought was a friend has been betraying him. I need to avoid mentioning all the other affairs as TBH i think that would break him. BUT saying all this is too hard and im not sure i can talk to him on the phone! Im such a coward

OP posts:

Aero · 19/11/2005 17:47

I'm with Custy on this one too.

Incidently, has she ever apologised for outrageous outburst? Is this something you could have expected from her? I'm afraid to say I think this is a friendship you would be better off without.
Sorry for the loss of your Mum too.

Aero · 19/11/2005 17:50

Oops - second question answered.

Chandra · 19/11/2005 18:03

I think you can still say something similar to what Custy suggested, say that you have thought better of it and that you really don't think you can contribute much to his knowledge, that he's putting you in an ackward position and that you preffer to keep the little (lie about the quantity) you know to yourself.

I think he will respect you more for that, he will know that you are someone he can trust.

P.S. Forget about having skeletons in the closet, you don't have to have one at all, people is good at creating their own innacuate version of the story if that would grant them some sympathy.

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