I always think of the right thing to say...

[tallulah]

..after the right moment to say it has passed.

How can I learn to be more quick witted? I hate using the phone because I'm not quick enough on the uptake to know what to say, and I have a huge problem in other situations.

On Monday some man in the car park pulled alongside me & had a go that I'd pulled out in front of him. Like a twit I apologised, but thinking about it afterwards I can only assume that because I didn't see him he must have pulled out of the same row at the same time, thought he'd nip in front of me & wasn't quick enough... ie HIS bad driving, not mine.

My other problem is I then mull about what I didn't say for ever after... I still get upset about a snide comment a boyfriend made to me 23 YEARS AGO (!!), because I thought of a wonderfully witty retort later but just cringed at the time. Similarly a snide remark from a supervisor at work some 19 years ago often pops into my mind. They will both have instantly forgotten the incident, while I keep getting the replay in my head.

I've had counselling & done assertiveness training but nothing works. Someone says something to me & I just can't react in the way I'd like to in the appropriate time frame, nor can I let it go.

Any tips before I completely lose it. Please.

Sometimes confrontation can send people into a panic and they forget what to say, try to relax in these situations and try not to think too much about saying the 'right' thing otherwise your mind will go blank. Paul Mckenna does some brilliant hypnosis tapes for building confidence alot of it is about thinking of yourself and acting the strong confident person you want to be and hopefully you'll think yourself into this state. good luck

tallulah..I think I know just what you mean. I know this will be a long post and I hope I don't bore you to tears.

I have done all sorts of emotional work on lots of different issues as these. It is not easy to change in this way. For me with regard to avoiding confrontation at any level, I had made a decision as an infant that I would do whatever it took to be loved which was very serious at the time, i.e, if I am not loved and taken care of I will starve and die kind of thing.

I know it sounds fruity and all, but in my experience these types of behaviors kick in as fast as electricity--it is almost like your brain starts breathing dumb air as soon as a confontation hits or anything that surprises you that you cannot plan for ahead of time. Taking the classes helps you understand, but when your response kicks in as fast as electricity and (the key here), you have been this way as long as you can remember, you are way past trying to exercise what they said in assertiveness training!

If you are willing to do it, try to relax and bring up the one of the situations in which you were faced with confrontation (should be easy to do) and identify any tightness in your body or any painful areas and try to relax further and continue breathing. If you allow your thoughts and feelings to come up (just like watching a movie for me), you may actually get lucky enough to get to a point where a memory might surface of the first time you had a confrontation and how you handled it. Unfortunately if this was when you were a small child and had no control over the outcome you will realize why your knee-jerk reaction will always be to apologize first rather that "fight" back (or exhibit behavior that could cause you a lose of love, etc.). The behavior needs to be replaced with the feeling that you have when you are in that relaxed state. I call it mastery. When you master a skill, do you know how good it feels? Like the first time that you waltzed with a great dancer and it felt like you were flying/floating on the dancefloor? That is the effortless feeling that you want to have during the next confrontation. I know it sounds so wierd, but you can read and read and take classes and build your knowledge, but unless I had my own experience and knew what to replace the behavior with, I always felt like I could never change. It is like someone telling you that you have to love yourself, what does that mean I used to think? Exercise more, get my nails done--what do they mean love yourself?

I will post again on this later if you like....if I don't hear anything back from you, I will assume you've had enough!

Yes, yes, yes, this happens to me too. I think it is simply because when someone is horribly rude, we are normally too surprised to think of a quick retort. I would have thought that would be normal.

tallulah, I can't do it either. I don't have an assertive bone in my body and I loathe confrontation. The times when the other person has been rude or in the wrong and I have just let it go and then spent the whole day wishing I had had the nerve to say something. I also never think of a suitably cutting response til ages afterwards. Do you know what it is? We are NICE PEOPLE! And we are better people that these nasty people who have a go at us!

If it helps at all I used to have a friend whose middle name was Assertive (well, not really). She wanted to take on the world. I used to dread going out with her, she was so stroppy. She would argue with shop assistants, complain in cafes, kick up a fuss everywhere we went about the tiniest slight, real or imagined, and woe betide anyone who didn't hold a door open for her and her buggy. She'd shout at people because of where they parked their cars, and remonstrate with Mums and their children at toddler groups and in the park.

At first I wished I was a bit more like her, instead of getting walked all over, but then I saw that she was just so stressed out by it all, it didn't make her happy, or boost her self-esteem. We moved house and lost touch, but I recently met a mutual acquaintance who said that L (my ex-friend) no longer goes to any groups etc., as she's fallen out with just about everyone.

Sorry, this turned into a bit of a waffle. But, basically, we are who we are. The world is full of stroppy mean people (just watched Wife Swap!)..it doesn't need any more. It needs more people like us! Three cheers for Wimps!

i think this is a well known phenomenon - dont they call it esprit d'escalier? or something?

Think yourself lucky to be like you are Tallulah. I have been a smart aleck since I was little and have spent most of my adulthood trying to think before I speak, sometimes literally biting my lip. Having a snappy remark for every occasion is great for putting down annoying people, but it's a double-edged sword and sometimes you could find yourself making a perfectly nice, well-meaning person feel stupid or awkward before you have time to stop yourself.

If you find yourself standing there with a blank look on your face, you could try raising your eyebrows and looking a bit bored, as though they're beneath your notice and you can't even be bother to tell them so. Just imagine the person is a very nerdy man asking you for a date in his best Klingon - you don't know what he's saying and you don't like the look of him so you couldn't care less anyway.

Definitely don't bother dwelling on nasty things people have said in the past, if they had meant the remark to be taken seriously they would have taken the trouble to phrase it in a more constructive way, so whatever it is that they said is almost certainly not true and was only said to annoy you.

Thank you all so much. I'm glad I'm not the only one like this, that in itself makes me feel better!

Sunchowder, that sounds really good. I might have a go at trying what you suggest at the weekend when I've got time.

Marthamoo, I'm just as stressed as your (ex) friend!!

Try 'Oh why don't you just F* off!' (Only joking...but it MIGHT make you feel better)

Seriously, it is really horrible when that happens, and I have been really annoyed at myself for putting up with rude people in the past. However, they probably did/said it as a result of THEIR bad day, so as someone said, just smile sweetly at them, and don't take it personally.

Chinchilla, were you in Pizza Hut today? (sorry for quick hijack!)

You are so welcome Tallulah, so much good advice and support here for you. I don't believe that I ever wanted to be rude or nasty (as I am such a nice person and very humble too), I just wanted to be able to think clearly when I am in the middle of a confrontation and have the ability to speak either the truth or state an appropriate come back that makes me feel taken care of--you know?

I am still working on my problems with taking things so personally--I'll post if I have any good results with that one! It is true that when you are able to remove yourself from the situation at the moment (those with more spring to their personality or more padding maybe), it is much easier not to have a response at all.

Here's a good example, if someone walked up to you and said you were short, when indeed you are tall, you would just clearly say to them, "No, I am not short, I am 5' 10" inches tall which is above the average for a women", I don't even think I would be upset about if someone told me that I was tall or short because I don't have any issues about my height, but if someone told me "You are so nosey sunchowder(or something subjective like that) I might fly off the handle and take it very "personally" instead of having the same response knowing it just was not true, just like I believed so strongly that I was not short. Do you know what I mean?

It is as if there is the least little bit of doubt in my your mind about the statement, your brain starts to go, "Am I nosey?", "Why do they think I am nosey", "What the hell have I ever done to this person to make them think I am nosey?" - then you can play that record for a few days until you get yourself so wacked out that you want to avoid that person for the next year. Someone making a statement like that might have some severe privacy issues, she could be being beaten by her husband daily for
Cr---t Sake and doesn't want anyone to see the bruises, and you just asked the wrong question that day! Do you know what I mean? Isn't life grand?

this is all really iteresting and a subject close to my heart. I am a senisitve soul and loathe confrontation too. My preference is to avoid those who create it. However, sometimes that is not possible. One tactic may be to just walk calmly away. Another might be to say gently 'that is not fair' or 'I do not agree'. I am struggling with this myself however.

One I had a big ding dong with a guy at work and started telling him off for things he had said years ago. He was VERY hurt that I had let things fester for so long. At the time I had let it pass when I should have gently pulled him up.

This is not easy. I tell myself just to plough my own furrow and do what I want to do and be alive to people who are friendly.

Hi Lou33 - yes I was, were you then? If yes, you should have grabbed me and said hello. I NEVER see anyone, as I walk around in a daze! Sorry

No not me, Spacemonkey saw you, but she wasn't sure if it was you or not, and didn't want to bumble over and make a fool of herself. I on the other hand would have no compunction about doing so.

If someone annoys me I can usually come up with a smart response. Only problem is I usually come up with it four hours later.

I've posted this before, but the best comeback I've ever heard of was the one overheard by my friend while in our local Waitrose. (And I'll apologise to any German members now...)

Anyway, as she was shopping she kept noticing a harassed mum with a small child behaving increasingly badly. Eventually the mum lost her temper in the checkout queue and gave the child a small tap on the leg. Whereupon the woman behind her announced: "In Germany we never smack our children". To which the harassed mum responded "Oh really? Well, in England we never annihilate our Jews".

Lou33 - Yes, it was me...HI SPACEMONKEY! I never see anyone when out and about. People have to come up to me and stand about one foot in front of me, as I am always bimbling around in a daze! I was there celebrating a friend's child's first birthday. It was fun, and ds had a great time. He didn't eat any pizza, but still had fun!

Sorry to hijack the thread.

Hehe, she said you looked busy!

I had a good time though! Ds is very, shall we say, time consuming...but lovely with it!