How can you improve your self esteem?

[rickman]

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Yes there are rickman. My friend is on one at the minute; it's organised through her playgroup. I'm sure your GP or HV might be able to put you in touch with a group. I'm assuming it's for you?

And it really is doing her good as well. She was a bit worried to start with but is pleased she has stuck with it.

I could do with this
mny cousnellor was meant to be working on myu self esteem but decide not to turn up this Tues just when I needed her most

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It's a vicious circle isn't it though rickman? You need someone to build your confidence - do you have a close friend you could confide in who would help you feel better about yourself?

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Rickman, are you in a position to be able to go out and do an evening course/exercise class or something once a week? Sometimes I think going out without the kids and doing something for yourself can be a boost. You get to meet people and have something in common (ie the class) you can talk about initially and can go from there. That might build up your confidence to go and do other social things and not be left feeling down or worrying about how you're perceived.
HTH
(I'm waffling on here, but I realised I should actually be listening to my own advice here )

oh goodness - I remember a totally illogical feeling of no self-esteem when I was suffering from depression about 15 years ago. But I have earned it now, because I know Ive worked so hard for my children, and made huge efforts to grow up, and get rid of stupid habits I had in my 20s.

Not sure what is the best way to shake oneself quickly out of it. But you are a single mother of 4, aren't you rickman? so by definition, you must be a high achiever. (I am just facing final financial separation from dx, and I too have 4 children, and it is looking pretty daunting, I can tell you)

There is no need to feel down about just speaking to a man. You aren't making yourself cheap, you are doing a sensible thing in looking for a partner.
I think it is really hard to get back on the flirt circuit after a divorce. It is all so much more complicated than it was before! I really like the idea of being married again, and yet....my freedom is good too. Also, most of the men I flirt with, I pale at the thought of introducing to my children.

No advice but you are often in my thoughts rickman!

There isn't a quick fix, but I have found that setting small targets (achievable ones) really helps- when you get to tick each one off, your self esteem grows. If you know what contributed to your feelings you can work on that, or go for something completely different. For example, I had terrible self esteem as a younger person- at about 20 I had eating disorders, so pretty severe. I felt stupid the whole time. So I did a course in make up. Then an AS level. Then a year with the OU, an access course and finally I am doing (OK, to be literally exact at this very moment avoiding doing hence me being sat on PC with textbooks on mn!) a degree. It's not something I could have faced ten years ago, but something that by doing it has resolved a lot of issues I have. Not all, I'll always be fairly shy as I am built that way, but I am no longer terrified of people or myself.

Good luck Rickman. The road is long, but very worth it.

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How about something you could start at home, and maybe build up when you are ready?

I don't know you at all, if your chin is an issue weightwatchers at home (sorry if completely off the mark!), or the Open University?

I'm sure this has been mentioned before- but a Home Start volunteer could help you get out and about, I had a few Mums with varying degrees of shyness and agoraphobia. It seemed to help.

rickman - I think organising the budgeting, food supply, place to live, bill payment, timetabling and everything else for a family of 5 is quite an achievement actually! I know, because I do it. And this knowledge is part of my newly gained self esteem.

Having a marriage fail is not a sign of dismal failure. It is just one of those things that happen in life. Dont judge yourself too harshly.

Know what you mean about the bastards though! I would just like to meet a nice man who:

• isnt married
• has a job, and a car
• can at least pretend not to be weird for 5 minutes at a time. Thats not asking too much is it?? there are loads of men out there who do like children and are not put off by them, because I have met a few, but they have all failed test 2 and 3 above. And I am not a looker either!

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congrats on 8 pound in 4 weeks. I lost loads of weight last year, feel so much better. As you say, just eating less. I also get my hair cut regularly now, and have a few fashionable clothes (from Asda and C&A!). I stopped taking care of myself in the grim pre-divorce years when dx was just angry with me all the time, so it is nice to feel myself again.

well, it is Saturday night and guess where I am...at work. Children are currently with dx. I do meet a lot of men through my work, and I sometimes flirt on the internet, which does wonders from my French (only flirt with French men, they are so good at it!). I havent actually had the courage to go out with a man since splitting with dx though.

My children are 9,7,6 and 2.

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rickman: I don't know if you find self-hypnosis tapes/CDs useful, but I really rate the Build Your Self Esteem CD by Glenn Harrold (or any of his others in the series, for that matter - have also got Deep Sleep and How To Think Positively).

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I find it helps, simply because it helps to shut out the rest of the world a bit more. I wouldn't have thought it was essential though. Obviously, don't listen while driving