A thread for WOHMs that isn't about the welfare of the child

[Pruni]

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Yeah, I got a nanny. Sod the whole getting ready, dropping off, and picking up routine. That's my working mum's tip.

Do you not like working? Or do younot like your current job? Perhaps a change of job is what you need?

I don't want to be a SAHM. I love my kids with all my heart. But, I simply want to work (and need the money).

I wish I knew. When I went back to work (and I;m a workaholic) my then boss said to me "welcome to the world of guilt - when youre here you'll feel guilty you're not there, when you're there you'll feel guilty that you're not here". I guess I've just had to say well, ok if thats how it is then I have to accept that at some points some one will feel deprived.

(oh thats coherent. god, roll on 5.30)

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I am in a very confused state at the moment. I have to work as earn more and we need money but although I enjoy my work when I am there I do have an awful sense of guilt.
I have been off work the last 2 weeks (soon to be 3) with heremesis gravidarum in early pg and have enjoyd being at home more with dd but some days I am bored and ould liek some time to myself so again mixed feeling there about everything. Am wanting to go back part time when baby is born in May but need to stay full time to ake sre I get 6 months full pay from work for my maternity!

So, why do you feel you are run down? Is it too many chores at home? Do you have help (i.e. is your Dh/p around during the week). How old are the kids?

Hi Helsi. You must be on the 2006 May thread. I was on the 2005 May thread. Wow, 6 months paid. Lucky you!

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I can't do nanny either as that would also add to guilt (it is the whole someone else looking after my child except me guilt that I have) and I couldn't afford one.

I also struggle with chores although I have a cleaner coming on Tuesdya to give me a quote. I hate working all week then spending at least one full day out of my weekend cleaning.

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I'm working 3 days a week but still finding it difficult to make the adjustments at each end of my working week. When I'm at home I need more brain food and when I am at work I just feel like there is a bit of me missing. Plus the guilt, always the guilt.
Like others, I have to work otherwise we can't pay the mortgage and I completely appreciate that I don't have to work full time but it is still difficult. And don't get me started on the only part-time stuff!!

beansprout I worked 3 days until December last year when dh was made redundant and didn't qualify for redundancy pay. I went back full time and although dh is now in full time work he earns 10.5k less than he was. I am the main earner on a full time wage so need the money. I loved my 3 day week and the guilt when I was at work was not as bad as working 5 days as i could justify the dd getting independance bit for 3 days. Now however I am wracked with guilt over the fact I am dumping her on people.
especially when dd wakes up each morning and says "and where am I going today mummy?".

I must say I really don't suffer from guilt. I think my kids get on just fine without me. I miss them of course. And sometimes I'd like to run home and give them a hug, but that's totally my need not theirs.

Helsi, so sorry to hear that

I've only been back 6 weeks so I'm sure it will get better. I'm sure you are right Uwila, I keep hearing that ds will be ok, it's me that won't be... but anyway, I'm spoiling this thread as it is NOT about ds!! Sorry!!

Pruni - do you think it is the job you don't like?

My dd is very used to the whole routine and every morning when I walk out the door she says "Mummy go to work. Make money." and whenever she hears keys rattling at the door she exclaims "Oh it's Mummy! No go to work."

DS is too young to grasp any of it. But,I hope that he will be as well adjusted as his sister.

Pruni, not sure yet as you haven't given a lot of details, but it sounds to me like you may be overworked. The combination of home chores and "work" chores. What about hiring a cleaner. I mean the way I look at it, I go home to see my kids. But, when the time cmes that I am shortening my work day so I can go home and clean the house, there's something wrong with that picture. I mean going home to see the kids is lovely, but if I'm doing the house work I'mnot exactly spending quality time with them.

Pruni you say you enjoy your job a bit like me so I think from what you are saying that we are feeling somewhat similar to each other. Could you reduce your hours slightly at all? I find that finishing an hour or two earlier sometimes makes all the difference.

Gosh, I agree with Uwila! Completely! How unusual is that!

Pruni, I recognise that feeling of being troubled by two sets of people making demands on you - work demands and home demands. If you are the sort of person who craves some time for themselves - time to just be without someone on your case, then that can be hard. I know WOHM who get that time to themselves from work but I didn't - just felt like work was hassling me too. Although I didn't enjoy the job I was in at the time, so that's possibly the reason.

Can you a. get a cleaner. b. have a serious conversation with your dh/dp and get the chores shared right down the line, 50/50? That might help you not to feel so harassed all the time.

Uwila - spot on

I keep reading this as "A thread for WORMS..."

OK, a couple of thoughts and forgive me if I am wide of the mark.
If it is a question of having time for yourself (and you can't imagine how tempted I am to type me-time there ) then you could try scheduling that into the diary. By which I mean, make yourself some time, get some childcare and just switch off from the demands of blah blah blah and go and sit in a cafe and read a book or whatever it is. And do it regularly and absolutely do NOT allow yourself to feel guilty about it. because I think that might be the problem - because you are away from dd during the day you fell you "Ought To" want to spend time with her at the weekends or whenever your time off is. Well, if you need time to yourself, then having time to yourself will make you a better mother. for sure. but what won;t help if you spend your time doing one thing and wishing you were doing another. practice effective compartmentalisation.
pay someone to do the housework if you can or just say sod it. Cut corners wherever you can. don't cook. reheat. let everyone live on sandwiches. stop ironing. let everyone wear ther clothes for longer before washing. stop hoovering and see if anyone notices.
Pratice getting into the mind set of switching off from the demands of work the second you steo out of the door. I think this is what is causing you some angst (I may be wrong) - I found this too. Once I was a parent I couldn't be the effective dedicated employee I used to be. don't mean to be harsh but absolutely get over it. prioritise what you are doing right now and practice putting everything else out of your head.
I think you are saying that being a SAHM is not financially viable. but if it was, and if you were tempted to try it again, then I would say:

treat it like a job i.e. schedule your activities and give yourself some structure.
throw yourself into it with as much enthusiasm as you can at the beginning and don't even think about it for the first few months.
and structure in some time by yourself too - however you need to make it happen.
sorry if I have missed the point entirely.